Why do I do this to myself?

[Toad]

This is probably best not to read...it's just something that I need to get off my chest.


This week has been absolute hell for me...I don't even know where to begin. Somewhere during the course of this week I've completely stopped caring about anything and all I have done is push people away from me. All I'm able to do is isolate myself from everything, and all I can think about is how much I just want to sleep and cry, but I keep pushing myself harder to get stuff done.

It seems I have finally pushed myself to far and completely lost it. The result of pushing myself to far has been that I have started to harm myself physically as opposed to my usual mental abuse. Right now it's not that bad...mainly because I don't have anything sharp enough in my room to cause any major harm (I've always seen this as a real possibility for me so I have made a concious effort to keep dangerous stuff out of my reach), but I know that if I don't stop it will get worse....when you are desperate...you get creative.

It's hard to stop doing something that gives temporary relief though...for some reason doing this gets rid of the headaches that I get every day...kinda clears my mind. I dunno...hopefully next week will be better...it better be or else someone is going to start noticing this and that is the last thing I want to happen.

For right now I'm going to sleep some...maybe I'll get some dinner..I dunno, I just really don't care anymore. I've been very moody this week so when I wake up I'll probably be real happy...least I hope I am.

 

[Toad]

Thanks guys...I'm feeling better than I was last week, but still not great. Unfortunately there is no one I am comfortable talking about this with. I still have a strong desire to hurt myself which I'm trying to resist, but what's the point?

Next week I will have a much needed break from it all (spring break), so at least I have something to look forward to now. I just hope I get there without doing much else.

Glad you like my old av Masterpiece2...ill probably put it back up or make another one soon...i kinda like that one as well....this one just seemed to fit my mood well.

 

[Kalima]

Hey Toad,

Hang in there buddy!!!!! You'll make it- just keep on keeping sharp dangerous objects out of your direct reach so that you won't be tempted to hurt yourself with them. You're life is worth living without physical scars in addition to SA so plz keep hanging in there buddy. I don't even know you but it kinda my heart goes out to you after reading your original post. If you can't find someone to talk to, just remember that we're here for you. I'm not on here everyday b/c I'm a busy student but there are tons of pple here who can help you.

 

[black_mamba]

Toady!! Hang in there, us engineering students gotta stick together, plus I need you to help me with my maths.

I sincerely hope you're feeling better now, if not, I'll have to send over my elite squadren of spies that hunt down the "victim" and will relentlessly try and cheer them up. So, you've been warned!

 

[Toad]

Thanks black_mamba, I'm feeling much better now than I was those couple of weeks. Fortunatly for me there are few visible signs left of that. I just hope that the next time depression starts creeping up on me I don't turn my anger and frustrations back on myself.