racheH
Well-known member
There are many people in this discussion I could quote because I felt the same as how most of you seem to describe, and think I should offer some advice:
Don't assume that it's your fault you can't make conversation yet. It doesn't mean you're boring and certainly isn't a reason to hate yourself. Before you start working on how to interact with others, you need to work on how you feel about and around others. When I'm completely relaxed around someone, which is most of the time now (unless I've developed a separate phobia just for that individual, which complicates things) conversation comes easily because I'm not trying so hard to meet their expectations. If you honestly don't care what someone thinks of you, you can totally relax and thoughts will flow naturally as if you were alone. Then just say what you're thinking.
For example, if you're on train with someone you know and you get anxious to fill a silence, you'll never think of anything decent other than what you think that person might want to hear, or would say themselves. However if you've accepted consciously and subconsciously (that's the tricky bit, but it's worth it if you stick at it - took me two years but I know it's been worth the effort) that it doesn't matter what they think, then you'll actually remember things, notice things out the window, wonder about things of interest to you just as if you were alone. Then, don't say anything just for the sake of pleasing them. If you beat your fear of others' opinions of you, you'll probably realise how fun talking can be. If you associate socialising with fear, then any socialising you do is for the wrong reasons. Depending on your genes etc, you might end up finding that without a phobia, you naturally find people boring. Boring's better than scary, though! However, most people get a lot of pleasure out of getting to know people and sharing their own experiences, and later just talking about problems. That's why we have friends. Talking with them shouldn't be something that causes anxiety.
The point of casual communication is that it's supposed to be enjoyable or informative to those involved. We form opinions about others while doing it, but that's not why we do it; we just can't help it - human nature is to form an opinion about everything. The reason others seem more talkative is not that they've anything more worthwhile to say than you might have, but because they aren't anxious or stressed about impressing others, unless of course for rational reasons like in a job interview or in any situation where the person's opinion might actually serve as some significance to you. However most of the time others' opinions should have no impact on us whatsoever. It's like any other phobia. We might 'know' spiders can't hurt us directly, but 'feel' something unpleasant happening to us emotionally and even physically when around them. I ‘knew’ that a stranger giving me a funny look in the street couldn’t do me harm, but still lost sleep over it, because it ‘felt’ like something terrible.
The difference between SP and the arachnophobia analogy is that, in my case anyway, I didn't know that everybody else didn't get the same feeling, so I thought that was how it was supposed to feel. My self-esteem suffered because I thought that if everyone else could put up with being judged and still seem happy and confident, I must be somehow weaker and socially inept for it to only seem to affect me so badly. Reading some people's messages I wonder if that's a common misconception of social phobes. If you are blaming yourself for your problems communicating, just remember that what you're dealing with is not something most others are, so you can't compare your ability to deal with it with people who don't have it in the first place! I talk with much more ease now and people who've met me since I've improved seem to want to have me around - but it hasn't made me a ‘better’ person. I'm the same essentially as I ever was, it's just that I'm seen as socially acceptable now because I'm not too scared to be myself.
Hope that’s been a help to at least someone.
Rachel
PS, IamJack, I used to occasionally 'make an ass of myself in front of others' on purpose just because I couldn't bare them talking to me anymore, and I was sure they'd judge me for something even if I didn't, so just to get it over with I'd say something really stupid that made them go away to laugh about it with their friends. You don't get much more avoidant than that. Each time, the thought of how it must have made them judge me still haunted me for weeks, but at the time it seemed better than having them talk to me for any longer than necessary - it was done in sheer panic. I must advise against this. The long-term effects may be that those individuals will make their mind up never to take you seriously, and that might affect others' behaviour to you also. Although I've said that others' disapproval shouldn't harm you in itself, lots of people being unwilling giving you a chance may leave you lonely if you beat the fear and realise just how enjoyable having them as friends could be. That's what happened to me. My choice of friends at school is now sadly limited to those who only met me recently and weren't influenced by people who knew me at my worst. It's not the end of the world, as I won't just be around these people for much longer, but it's a shame to be sat on my own most of the time when I know I don't have fear holding me back anymore.
