When people let you down

[Luckiecharm]

Hi all,
There's alot of change going on in my life right now and this has triggered my anxiety, making me extra sensitive and vulnerable. So, when my closest friend chose this moment to tell me how hard it is to put up with my inability to make plans or stick to them, I got really upset. It's bad enough that I have to live with this, but when the people you trust and love say it's an effort to be around you, well it's really hurtful. I know there's nothing anyone can say to make me feel better, but I just wanted to vent anyway. Maybe it was just a stupid argument and we both said things we didn't mean, but I'm really pissed off about it. Aren't people supposed to accept you for who you are, warts and all?

 

[Bearly]

Aren't people supposed to accept you for who you are, warts and all?

Sorry, but no, who ever promised you that? For example, I know I can be difficult to be around after and anxiety experience, because I am extra sensitive, sometimes depressed, and extra irritable. Plus, when I'm anxious, other people can sometimes sense this, and that in turn makes them anxious.

Sometimes it is a friend's self appointed duty to point out your flaws in the hopes you will become a better person or easier to be around.

If you were in their shoes, and someone kept on backing out on plans, would this annoy you? Does your friend know your having anxiety problems?

A lot of people really don't understand what it like to have these problems, so maybe you should explain that your anxiety really is causing problems for you and that you would appreciate her understanding the situation, as good friends should.

Sorry, this is probably not the response you wanted, but it is more productive than in me telling you that you have a lousy friend.

On the other hand, maybe this person is too self centered to be supportive in this difficult time for you and is a lousy friend. I wouldn't know, that's up for you to decide. But before you break up a friendship, try explaining your situation and apologize for not being able to live up to plans like you normally would.

That's my two cents worth, hope it helps.

 

[Jack-B]

Luckiecharm,

Your friend finds it an effort to be around you because they want you to make them happy. Most people opperate this way even if you are very kind to them and look out for them. Your friend cant accept the fact that you are having a hard time.

If your friend was thinking about your welfare and was finding it tough to be around you, there are other ways of distancing but still being there for you without being unfair or harming you. Of course, there are two sides to this story and we dont know what your friend was thinking, either way, you feel you need support and you are not getting it.

It may be your friend is frustrated and wants the 'old' you back and so is expressing their anger they feel to you, explain to them that they would benefit by being patient with you because you yourself are a good friend and would get better sooner if they helped you out by being more supportive.

I hope things work out

Jack

 

[Ems]

Hi Luckiecharm,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I sometimes promise people to go out but when it comes to it I don't want to go out or meet people. I think with an anxiety disorder it makes you want to opt out of things more often. It is what frame of mind I am in as to whether I will go out. I have let people down in the past and they have not been happy with me. I'm afraid it is a fact of life that people will be honest with you and tell you how they feel.
Remember this is your closest friend so he/she is not going to desert you. She is just venting something that annoys her about you which I am sure you vent things about her that annoy you. In my experience it is better to be honest between friends. It is not vindictive, but to have a friendship you must be open and tell the truth...whether you like it or not.
Your best friend must love you to tell you that. A lot of people back stab and don't tell you to your face. Don't get too upset. Bite the bullet and let them know why you have not been sticking to your plans. Be honest with them and they will understand.
Tell them...
xxx

 

[Luckiecharm]

Thanks Jack-B, you hit the nail on the head! I'm still loathe to let people down and that's what creates the conflict in me of whether I should be making other people happy or myself. And yes EMS, this friend is aware of my SA, which makes it all the more hurtful. We patched things up since, so hopefully we'll be more understanding of each other in the future.

 

[pjam76]

never understood this theory

While having SA or SP is no picnic or fun, I never understood the theory where people should bow down and kiss my feet cause I have it.

It sucks at what's happening and I understand the need to "cancel" plans cause maybe you just didn't feel like seeing people that night.

But on that same note, you say you've canceled or just didn't show up to plans in the past. Maybe your friend went out of their way to plan some great night and you just didn't show up.. SA or no SA that is never something people like.

People on here complain all the time about friends backing out of plans, well it seems you admit you back out of plans all the time.

Maybe the person shouldn't have said certain things, but maybe they grew tired of the excuses.. I mean SA is one thing, but constantly making excuses and leaning on SA as the main culprit becomes old fast.

It's the same with anything.

Doing whatever once in awhile is one thing. People might not like it, but they'll deal with it. But if you do this all the time, it's no longer just bothering you.

While this friend should accept you for who you are, it doesn't mean they have to like it.. If you make plans with this person and consistently back out of them all the time, that's not something anybody likes.