When it rains, it pours. - vi0let-rain Journal

[vi0let-rain]

I started a new job a month ago. I work at a local cafe that specializes in fresh food, loose leaf teas and of course coffee. There are local artists pieces surrounding the shop. My tasks are to make food, serve beverages to customers. I thought that this would be a good choice for me to gain some customer service skills, which I greatly lack especially with communication.

I'm battling with depression and anxiety. To see me behind the counter serving coffee to customers is a HUGE step for me. I never thought I would see myself in this position. My friends and family are quite proud of me of my accomplishments. *pats self on back*

However I am having a difficult time keeping up. I'm a slower learner, I am fighting with my anxieties throughout the shift to which it gets overwhelming. When I do get overwhelmed, I excuse myself for a smoke break when it's convenient. If it gets real bad, I go to the washroom and have an attack or even cry. I'm afraid that I'm unable to handle this job. I'm afraid of judgement. I am 27 and I should know how to interact with people, to be a quick learner and to pay attention. I just want to do good, I don't want any more setbacks. It's taken me 9 years to get me to this milestone.

I'm greatly ashamed of myself when I screw up at work and it happens a lot. I forget people's orders(I write them down now), I forget prices(started notes for that too but don't have everything listed), I mess up on cash and had left a few customers disappointed. I just wish I could get the hang of everything. I'm expected to grasp everything and to have decent customer service skills because I am an adult. It's all getting overwhelming for me and I have no coping strategies whatsoever. I just want to run from this already and I have only had one week's worth of experience out of a month of being employed.

My employer is disorganized. I have to hunt her down and text her to see when my next shift is, she hasn't had any sort of schedule made. I understand her personal and business life is busy but I would much rather work more than 2-3 times a week. I should be making just as much hours as the 16 year old she hired the same day as I started. She's there 5 times a week. But I guess it's better than nothing, right?

My Goals for this placement:
- improve communication skills
- improve customer service skills
- have a better understanding for this type of business(I'm interested in opening my own cafe someday. Maybe become a manager position within this cafe?)
- improve my experience with cooking/baking

To just better myself overall.


My anxiety and depression are getting the best of me the last few days though. I have been off since last Thursday and work tomorrow for three days straight. So I have had time to recuperate I guess. Life is overwhelming for me right now. So many stresses and worries. :kickingmyself:

 

[Louco]

Hey there Vi0let, how are you doing? Are you feeling better?

You seem like a strong and hard working person. Just getting a job when you have SA is no small feat, and you went after one in the consumer service department, one of those most people without any mental issues have trouble dealing with and try to avoid if possible.

I did the same some years ago. It actually helped with the SA, but I kept pushing myself harder and harder, blaming myself all the time for my mistakes, setting an unrealistic level of perfection as goal to my life on every level...

Turns out despite my own harsh judgement on myself, I was doing pretty good. In fact, so good that even before the 3 months evaluation period I was asked by the management to get a driver license asap because they needed me as a team leader, while there were many people in the company for years without promotion.

However, have you ever heard that the brightest stars burn out the fastest or something like that? I kept pushing myself to the limits, and when I couldn't handle anymore the pressure of my own expectations, I had higher and higher doses of the most popular methamphetamine prescribed by my doctor. At this point I was almost going crazy, and maybe for my own good my body began to show signs that I couldn't keep that up. On my last weeks at the job, I spent every weekend sick, lying on bed all the time with high fever. My life was literally my job, commuting and sleeping, nothing else. It took them as a surprise when I just left without a word.

Today I see what happened. I did not get better of SA. Apparently I overcame the anxiety of interacting with people that locked me in my room for years, but it's not a coincidence that being perfectionist and too harsh on ourselves are common traits among social phobics. Those traits are also a manifestation of the irrational fear of other people's judgements and evaluations on ourselves, and they can be just as destructive as the other symptoms. It doesn't matter if you even manage to become super popular, SA must be dealt with on every front, or it will ruin our lives.

This is why I had the trouble of making a quite unpopular thread here telling people to stand down with dumb advices, because getting "social skills" and exposure WILL NOT CURE SA, not by themselves. It's a disease and it must be cured with proper treatment.

All the best for you and take it easy, ok?