when and how to say to the person you like about this?

[livia]

Hi!! how are you all!!!...
Well i have some "little" problems with men when i get a bit close and wonder if you have the same problems or how you deal with it? I am not an ugly person i reckon and that'ts great to attact other people especialy the opposite sex, i had a few boyfriends and it's great at first, i can be happy and have conversations, but later i feel like i am "hidding" something, i start to feel silent, as i am lying to him and to myself, and have some panic attacks, then they ask me "what's happening? do u feel okay?" and never know how to answer...i just say, i'm okay, i feel tired ...or anything..when i am really feeling scared about something i really don't understand what is it. and then run away of the relationship when gets to close.but why?? am I scared to intimate?, to be so close to a person that has to know everything about yourself and you have to tell him about your life, but how to do it? when you feel you life sucks, and how to explain you felt so sad you couldn't move on and do anything?? i don't want him to know i feel sad? cos how do you explain the reason why??how?? it's so confusing...See,now i met a guy i liked and he seems he likes me a lot and wants to know me, but I feel soo scared...Dont' know how to act, help!! i just know him for two weeks so i think is too soon to talk about it...he may think i am a Freak. Does this happen to anybody of you???? Do the persons you like/love know about you anxiety?? thanks! and hello to everyone!

 

[astrid29]

Hi there,

I totally share your feelings. In my case I am sooo scared that I avoid any contact with guys. The idea of having to disclose this 'secret' is too painful. I have female friends and they do not know about this and I also feel like I am 'hiding' something to people I care about. I am sure these feelings are my fault because my friends act like I am a normal person and not a freak (as I usually feel) but I cannot shake this feeling. I also think that any guy would be like this towards me if he knew about my problem... So not much of help over here but just wanted to let you know I feel pretty much like you (get help if you can though!). It is making a difference for me little by little.

 

[LION]

Do the persons you like/love know about you anxiety?? thanks! and hello to everyone!

i've told a few, more like im not interested, even though i reckon is anxiety.
talking here makes me anxious. when you got loads of secrets or you get anxious you make people anxious, it's normal, it's a self.defence mechanism
so i'm less anxious talking with non anxious people. maybe i haven't eat and im i'm anxious as hell. pft. food helps.

anyways, just tell'em that you're uncomfortable. (even though is still self-serving guilt) being self.consciouss can be such a drag, having non-consciouss believe me is worse (total boredom) every mental illness is 'nurture' IMO. the mind is an automatic self-defence mechanism, and sometimes our mind is our very very very own ID.

when you feel you life sucks, and how to explain you felt so sad you couldn't move on and do anything?? i don't want him to know i feel sad? i have told'em that im so fucking sad, i'm no good. actually even if i can socialize (i can) i'm so fucking sad that talking with someone would be a let-down, just tell'em. 'yep, im fucking shy, what the fuck', anyfways.
i say tell'em, it's notlike your self.image will go down (i mean it does) but why do you care what they think if you're still sad.

btw: the logo of this site is so fucking big. wtf. and what the hell is with such people thumbing up?? it's annoying as hell. the site should be 'shy by nurture' fix your life, you'll perhaps feel happier and then you'll be such ok IMO.

but later i feel like i am "hidding" something YES. you're all hidding something, you're ashamed that you're not as good IMO. it makes other people's anxious as hell. so tell your secrets IMO. like wtf i dont like that movie- just tell'em, YES i'm shy, it might mitigate something, even though i haven't tried it, (not with gf's) SA is the 'secrets disease' you might feel you're leading a triple life right? i speak the way i speak in here and in every god damned place, i don't have a damn mask, not anymore.

of course i get fun now and then, but after being mentally ill, it got worse.
back then i got into a relationship, she used to cut and she wouldn't tell me and then i was crazy (Still i am) none of us told each other wtf, and the relationship crashed, it would have taken a 'yes, baby i'm shy as fucking hell' and then a ''yes i cut cause im depressed and i can't feel a god damned thing' then we would have either felt better, but who the fuck knows really. i do miss her now and then, and wonder what the hell she's doing. so IMO. TELL YOUR SHIT. IF it gets akward, there's some moments, on intimacy when it does gets akward. she could've helped me and i could've helped her, but we were just too wrapped on ourselves..so it sucked. anyways i'm still alive, so fuck the past. i'm also good-looking (wtf i know i am) i know that i'll reach 40 one day and i'll say, pft, what did i had to lose? 'just a gtfo' and then i'd say 'gtfo' )i feel 40y/0 anyways, sometimes i feel like a kid, but mainly im confused, im 25 anyways. well i've gtg.

 

[livia]

HII! THANKS

hI !! THANKS TO BOTH OF YOU for your answer!
Eii astrid are u spanish??i've seen you post that u are from Barcelona, it's that right cos me too.
Yea its great to see that somebody feels like me, i am also as you so shy and scared that i run out from guys...and i don't want to...but see..last night i dated with the boy i like, and we have seen eachother for some days...but then i don't know what happened cos i was feeling okay...i had like another pannik attack and i didnt know how to deal with it, i didnt control it, i couldn...is like i didn't know what to say...i was "in Blank". i think all started whten he said i wasnt a very talking person, and felt so ashaemed..he started to say tell me something some story...and didn't know what to say...he saw something was not okay..that he asked me what happened..i try to tell him...but i think he didnt understand...i try to be okay and forget that...but then i just started to get into my self more..he is a very sociable person, speaks a lot, and suppose he waits to be like this but i am not. He knows i am shy...and as i had to explain, i told him i had a little fear. But i think he didnt really understand. now i am scared next day we meet i will feel the same: ashamed, and with so much fear, i even can look to his eyes...i feel so stupid. and its a pity cos i know he's so kind with me, he says i am special..but i am afraid i cannot talk with him as i would like, that he will go away..i dont really know what to do...i think i need help right now, cos i m losing so much oportunities to live and meet people. I dont want him to go, or others to go, i want to be okay, feel confortable with a man. i really felt stupid last night. I really need help. i think i should go to doctor. And you astrid how are you right now?? kisess

 

[astrid29]

hI Livia!! Yes, I am spanish in the BCN area. I think that you were really brave to make the effort to even be with that guy. Nothing is easy and it sounds so familiar that you feel like this. Other people just take for granted so many difficult things for us that it's embarrassing even to try to tell it to someone. We feel stupid and like this person won't understand and leave us. Last year I reached a point where I needed to seek help(my worst nightmare), my advice is that you do the same (look for some therapist specializing in social phobia in BCN and not psychoanalists!). BCN has some good professionals. I feel like this is an uphill battle and that requires so much effort on our side My turning point was a bout of depression and I've been really bad until a few weeks ago. My problem is not that I am terribly shy (I can 'fake' being social) but I avoid any social event (dinners, dating, contact with guys...). I am trying to start doing these things but it's really hard. I don't imagine myself yet dating and I won't tell you my age here but it's quite embarrassing...if you want to email me:[email protected]

 

[LION]

just tell him that you're no experienced, if you say that you're afraid. he will just say, so afraid of what? and you'll say 'socializing' and it will make you feel worse IMO. tell him i'm unexperienced. or that you are 'afraid' of intimacy (it all gets to the point since you're unexperienced, so he'll try to be more calm. IMHO. IF in the middle of something you feel like kissing him, then wtf.

im shy myself so idk, you got to be relaxed, a lot of people use alcohol. even though of course shy people tend to get drunk as hell, so idk. there's two/three ways: 1.- either you feel ok with you. 2.- either you feel relaxed (alcohol, pills, even though you'll be slower and not 'you' IMO) or either you're happy. I mean if things get UGLY- IMO. i just think it should work, if you stand there acting like 'everything's alright' it will go as crap IMO (UNLESS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT- which it's not I GUESS? when to tell him? THAT IDK. I'm also a spanish type btw. though i'd like to go to barcelona one day, is just im cashless as hell. (one factor that makes not to fill the number three)

i think if people are happy, they confidence goes UP and suddenly there's no anxiety, since we've had such a drag of life. it's hard, but letting aside the past, which we can't change, IF we're happy, then we're ok. In such sense confidence is not 'not giving a crap' but rather, 'being ok' IMO.

 

[livia]

Thanks lion and Astrid for your answers...Lion i agree with you i think better to say unexperienced than afraid...but just i felt that moment to be honest and say my real feelings, i knew him for not to long, but i had a little confidence with him, i think he is really interested on me, and i think he really had a crush on me. and thats reason why i don't want him to go cos i think he really deserves an explanation, and to be honest with him...but i know maybe is to soon to talk to much about it.so im kind to "try" to forget this the next time, and not to talk about it..i just hope not to have another of this "pannic atacks"!! we spoke later on phone and by text on the mobile and hes soo sweet....it's so much easy to write him than to speak in person...i could tell so many things just writing...but i suppose is one of the caracteristics of SP, doesnt happen to you?
Astrid I am also from BCN around,not city(but i work in BCN city, today was caotic buy the way)I will write u an email.Btw could you give me some advice of Therapists in BCN, i know there has to be very good ones specialized on Fobia social.
Eii lion, what does IMO mean? Sorry i am spanish so i don't get some stuff...

 

[livia]

Another thing...lion i think that get drunk or getting drugs is not the solution of SP, i never gone on that..well once i think i did..but not for too long, when i was younger i tried to have a little alcohol before a date or going out with other people...but then i thought, What r u doing? and i left it. i imagine ther's some people so anxious that they think they have to get drunk, take pills but i think definitly as time will tell you...its not the solution, you will feel worse. Cos i think alchol can make you happy, or more speaky person...but then you are NOT you...your losing yourself..so whats the point to do it...you living in unreality...
Well boys..night night...going to bed...so late..see ya!

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

Personaly I would just tell your boyfriend that your are shy and leave it at that for now. If you say you have anxiety and he is not familiar with the term he will just get confused.

Its very dificult to explain this to those who have never experienced it first hand.

As for improving your self; keep up the online chats. Its amazing how fast we can all get better just by knowing there are others like us. I use to feel so ashame and I am still a little scretetive on my social anxiety but now that I know I am not alone or even weird I feel more confidence during my social interaction.

 

[this-is-why-im-hot]

Hey ya kno what i kno exactly how u feel and i havnt got anxiety problems lol. this is a weird one for ya, i tend to get involved with blokes who i know r gonna muck me about, not ring for days etc, because i know what to expect from them, there no mistery, but yeh alot of heart ache, and when i meet a bloke who does ring me every day, sends me lil messages just to say night, i get really scared and want to bolt! i dont even know why! im scared of nice guys lol. But this time ive decided not to run, ive decided to do it the hard way and actualy do this even tho im as scared as hell, but im never gonna meet a good man if i keep running, linking into what u said, to be honest i wouldnt say anything inless he asks, you dont need to tell him this early in the relationship coz its all superficial atm if u get me your not a 'couple' ur two individuals, just like u wouldnt be compelled to tell a work colleuge u were fond off. i think when u 2 get strong feelings, then tell him if u want too. theres nuffin wrong with keeping somethings privet hun. i wouldnt tell my new man ive seen a shrink in a million years! lol not coz im embarresed, coz whats the point? he'll find out im abit nutts soon anyways lol
hope that helped x

 

[adorabiledude]

nooooooooooo

Hello i am Marco i am really really sad and really really alone for my s.a.I am shure there is an right moment for any one here (right place,right person............. any right question.Not worry just do.I know is hard,but the life is hard ,Who dont have your problem maybe have other problem to care about.Look lot people whith panic attack and s . anxiety do more of other person.Good luky.Sorry i m not from uk. :idea: