What's wrong with me? I'm territorial.

[cwby]

Hi. First post here.

My story in a nutshell: smart kid, painfully shy, crybaby. BAD at sports and other boy things. Have overcome some shyness, happily married and a middle school teacher, but I'm having a lot of trouble with a particular social issue: being overly protective of personal space, especially our yard.

We live in a village and our neighbors are quiet people. I HATE HATE HATE having neighbors. There is nothing really wrong with them, honestly. They are all quiet - we did have some boys in their 20's who rented a house kitty-corner from us that were nothing but noise and trouble, and all of the rest of us ran them out of town. Real doofuses. Anyway: the rest of the neighbors are fine people, but I am always worried about what they are doing, where they are going, and if I see one of them outside, I feel an overwhelming urge to go outside and "protect" my land from their presence. I don't say anything to them, just feel the need to be outside. This territorial behavior is much worse if they play their radio so I can hear it, or decide to have a party after my kids have gone to bed (that only happened once.) Or when their dog decided to bark at me. My response in those situations is to yell at them, get the police involved and basically go overboard.

I don't understand why I do this. Maybe it's because I was run over a lot when I was a kid and was bullied, so now I am overcompensating by being passive-aggressive. I want to stop this behavior. I want to be friendly to my neighbors, but at the same time want to have nothing to do with them. I just don't care about the people around us. It just seems like I don't have anything in common with them. I just feel fenced in, and I am starting to hate even going outside when I am at home. It is worse in the spring when the weather starts to become warm and people come out of their houses after winter. I feel like I am being threatened by their presence, even if they are in their yards and I am in my own. They aren't doing anything wrong or illegal. (Well, the doofuses were another story.) But I just don't know how to cope with having "strangers" around me. Again, they seem to be decent people. Because of my past behaviors towards different neighbors, I don't see me at this point going up to them and saying, "Hi!" I think I am seen as the village troll. You know, that guy under the bridge...

Do you see me as suffering from SA or agoraphobia or what? If I could put a name to it, it would make me feel better.

Any ideas how to cope? If you have any issues like this, what did you do to overcome? Moving is the obvious choice, but is NOT possible.

 

[Hoppy]

I've got a six foot high solid wall around my property with electric fence on top, and I feel it is too low. I understand your problem.

If you feel threatened by them, I recommend you get to know them a bit better. It is easier to deal with a danger once you can get closer to it. There is also no rule that says you have to like your neighbours, but a little bit of civility can go a long way. If you're uncomfortable about your past behaviour, just act as if it never happened.

And I really got a wall with a electric fence, no joking.

 

[cwby]

Thanks for the reply. Part of me wants to be friendly, but I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. And a bigger part of me just wants to live in my own world and to pretend that these people just don't exist, even though they do. Unfortunately, they won't go away. I know I am being wacko. I know this. I just don't know how to change, or if I should change. But it's really affecting life. I even look forward to the weekend if they predict rain, because it means that I won't have to interact with people around me. If they predict a nice long sunny weekend with warmth, I get depressed because then everyone will be outside (not just neighbors). I need some coping strategies.

The fence idea has crossed my mind - but not with the electric component.

 

[halmat]

No man, you're like the opposite of agoraphobics - because we would love to have friendly neighbors to distract us from our panic attack problems. I think you should get into therapy soonest, because you are not enjoying yourself. But this is also a common suburb prob. Fenced patios can be nice. Please take good care of yourself, okay? Hal

 

[theslowesthand]

I've also had some very major issues with my nearest neighbours, and have on a few occasions gone WAY overboard with my reactions, and the police & noise police have been involved a few times in our "conflicts". I seem to have a thing about not wanting to see or hear them at all, and when i do, i usually at least feel slightly bad in some way. It's mainly just their noises which can easily "get my goat" (i have noise-sensitivity issues). And it's also probably a "control" thing - i seem have a need to be in COMPLETE CONTROL of my activities & environment, else my anxiety kicks-in big-time (i'm a bit of a control-freak, and HATE being controlled by others).
It's true that i do probably "hate" them & certainly having them as neigbours, and having neighbours so close. So i have never wanted anything to do with them. We are "polar opposites" - extroverted/introvert, sociable/unsociable, outdoorsy/indoorsy, doers/thinker, normal/abnormal, etc. So maybe when i hear them, i experience it as like a THREAT to my well-being (as they are like "wierd aliens" to me), and i'm reminded that they are in nearby vicinity. I just "don't like" when i hear them, and i can't feel "at ease" until the noises cease (& usually takes some time to "recover" from).

Do you see me as suffering from SA or agoraphobia or what? If I could put a name to it, it would make me feel better

• It's possible you have at least a bit of SA (as like me, you were painfully shy as a child .. & shyness tends to go along with SA)
• You could possibly be heading towards developing Agoraphobia
• You certainly seem to have significant Neurosis (neurotic/irrational thoughts), verging on Paranoia (at times); this neurosis in turn causes major anxiety problems
• Maybe you have an inate &/or devloped need (personality trait) to be in complete control of your environment? (in order to not feel anxious, to compensate for inner chaos, etc)

Any ideas how to cope? If you have any issues like this, what did you do to overcome? Moving is the obvious choice, but is NOT possible

The way i've learnt to cope, is a combination of trying to turn my negative thoughts (when eg hear neighbour) into something positive (eg 'thankyou neighbour, for providing me with this experience, which i will learn and grow from'). And "nipping things in the bud" at a much ealier point than years gone by (ie so it doesn't "escalate" in my head into something major, like rage; how you do this is basically to CHANGE what currently thinking & doing). And i usually start humming loudly the moment i hear a noise, and maybe put earplugs in, so then don't hear them (or can barely hear), and so don't FEEL "at their mercy" (i'm NEVER really "at their mercy" but sometimes my neuroses/paranoia TELLS me i am, so i FEEL it).

Basically it's the A-B-C process: A = Event --> B = Thoughts --> C = Reaction (Feelings -> [Action]). Recently (due to some major arguments/drama) i have started to regularly remind myself whenever i might be prone to "reacting", to "THINK before you ACT, and THINK before you REACT" (& have also added today "THINK before you THINK" .. which makes sense, as most of the trouble starts with our THINKING of what has happened)

I know it's a "very testing" situation to be in, day-in-day-out. And it will take time to learn coping techniques that work. Maybe some therapy could help with this?.

I hope this has helped you somewhat..

 

[cwby]

Thanks to the previous replier.

I'm glad I'm not alone. There is actually someone else like me. Phew. Even reading that someone else goes through the same struggles is a big relief to me.

Some further thoughts on yesterday's posts:

I am slowly discovering that I have (like a lot of classically-trained musicians) pretty severe noise sensitivity issues. I have been wearing earplugs when it's noisy outside and it helps a great deal! The first warm day this spring, when EVERYONE was outside and enjoying their motorcycles (nothing wrong with bikers, mind you) and kids outside and neighbors, and a VERY LOUD RADIO blasting in someone's yard down the street, I thought I was about to go nuts and have a breakdown. I put my earplugs in and I was able to function outside. Funny: it would have been a lot easier to go inside where it was quiet, but I feel like I can't observe or be in control of what is going on outside if I am sitting inside. Thus, I stayed outside so I could be in charge of the world. So, yes, I think I have control issues. If I can be in control of those around me (those who are a "threat") I can carry on with life. I feel that other people's noise invades my space, and I want it to stop and will do what it takes to stop it. I'm a quiet person, so therefore everyone else must be quiet people too. Illogical, I know, but that is how my brain works. At least now I am realizing that I need to do something about my issues.

I appreciate the time it took you to write your thoughts, and to express them so clearly. I have never thought of my behaviors as neurotic before, but that makes so much sense to me. I am just trying to figure out why I act the way I do. I was rejected by a lot of my peers when I was little and I still suffer from that, I think. Maybe my yelling at the neighbors is my way at getting back at those who rejected me when I was a school kid. It's the angry little boy in me that is suffering still. Mind you, I grew up in a very happy, stable home with a functional family, so I don't have any of that baggage.

I also appreciate your coping tactics that you mentioned. I know that it will take a lot of hard work on my part, but I am willing for the sake of myself and my dear family to embark on a voyage to get out of this darkness.

 

[cwby]

I've noticed yesterday some triggers of anxiety.

Long story short: I work at a school. One of our student teachers put her video recorder in "my space." It was like she had put a snake there. Then I told myself that it wasn't a threat to me. No one was going to invade my space.

Later I took my sons for a ride in the car. Went by the house where the landlord of the house next door lives. His garage door was open. Fine. Two minutes later I saw a backhoe being driven by a guy that LOOKED like the landlord. Instantly, my heart went into overdrive, because I thought that he was going to drive over to the house next door and create a new driveway in the yard between our houses and connect it somehow to our driveway (and thus invade my space again). Then I realized how irrational I was being.

It's stuff like this that drives me nuts! I don't want to act like this, but I do. Why?

 

[cwby]

Journaling continues...

I am starting to see a pattern here.

Neighbor yesterday walks his dogs behind his house and then behind our house. Our properties adjoin a railroad. The land is technically not ours; it is eased to us by the RR. Boy, my guard got up. I wanted to snap at him as to why he was trespassing on RR property. I felt threatened, big time.

Later, I was thinking it through. He has a dog yard for his dogs on the side of his house (next to our yard). He is very considerate with not letting his dogs bark, especially at my kids. It dawned on me that most likely he was walking them rather than letting them outside and cause trouble for my kids.

Slowly, I am starting to see things in a different light.

 

[cwby]

Continuing story. It's Friday. I hate the weekends when the weather is going to be nice. It makes me really stressed that there might be lots of people outside. I don't know what worries me so much about it. It's not like someone is going to assault me. Lawnmowers drive me crazy. One guy mows and then the neighborhood lawn olympics start. All weekend long. I think I am realizing that I might need to just get away with my family during the weekend times. I want to be at home and work in the garden, but being outside when there are other people in close proximity to me is very hard for me. At least we have an event to go to tomorrow morning. I am sick of feeling the way I do. Any ideas of ways to get away to where it is quiet without driving 2 hours and spending money? I could sure use them.

 

[Hoppy]

Have you considered using white noise to drown out the noises outside?

And you could have a look at this.

 

[cwby]

I use earplugs and they work really well, but I resent the fact that I need them. I just get so disgusted with myself. I will look into the HS stuff.

 

[cwby]

The Highly Sensitive Person profile fits me to a "T".

Hmmm....

 

[cwby]

The journal continues...

Well, the weekend is over. I did it. This is always the hardest time of the year for me, going from nice quiet winter to loud, busy spring.

My older son had a sports thing (lots of commotion and people, so I was wired Saturday morning. Then of course, there is a U-Haul moving van in the neighbors' driveway. AAAAAAHHHHH! New people! NO. I can't deal. I don't need any more change. No. No. NOOOO. Please God, no new people. I am so glad that we had to go to the event so I wouldn't be staring out the window all day. Turns out one of the neighbors (it's a duplex up and down stairs) probably got something moved in like a bed or big piece of furniture. My mind was in major overdrive. Then as we were leaving I saw that someone next door had driven through the little side yard between our houses and used our driveway as an escape route. I HATE THAT! You never asked me to use my driveway. Stop doing that. I have been parking my car more at the edge of the driveway lately so that they will stop doing that and the one night I forgot to do that...

Anyway, made it through the sports thing. Other than sunburn, I did OK. I did find myself getting anxious at one point, though, when we were waiting for the award for my son's event. Too many people, too much chaos. But we did it.

Yesterday, other neighbor decided to hang this big old punching bag thing from the tree that is close to the property line. Again, I felt very defensive (I was outside with my kids) and felt - irrationally - that he was somehow invading my space. I SO SO hate when I act like that. Just ridiculous. I know it. I need help.

Then last night, went to the first session of a small-group Bible study. Had no idea what topic the leader had chosen. Well, wouldn't you know it is about loving your neighbor and building community...

Stay tuned. The saga of my mind continues.

 

[cwby]

Well, it rained last night, so all was quiet. Today is my last day of having to take prednisone for bronchitis. I am very glad, because I think part of the problem was that I had "roid rage" from steroids and it was making me neurotic.

I have gotten in touch with a lady who deals with sensory processing issues. Hopefully, she will be able to help me some.

The neighbors' punching bag is driving me nuts. I can't avoid looking at it through our kitchen window. It is threatening to me. I'll get used to it, I hope.

 

[cwby]

I'm off of prednisone finally and my mood is improving. I'm noticing that I'm less neurotic and jumpy, less anxious.

Nothing really anxiety-causing yesterday, thank God.

 

[cwby]

Shenmue: I don't see your reply here, but got it through email.

I agree that bullying in the past does play a part in my life today. Part of the issue is that I am afraid of being rejected so I shut off people rather than attempting to build relationships.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I HATE HATE HATE having neighbors.

Me too!!!!! I live in a zero lot line house, which means that part of my neighbor's house is in my yard. I didn't realize how much I'd hate this when I bought the house! It wasn't too bad with the previous neighbors, who were a younger couple that had no kids and traveled a lot. But, the new neighbors kind of drive me insane! They're constantly doing home improvements which most of the time involves some construction worker being in my yard, which I hate!!!

Most of my neighborhood is married couples who have kids, and I'm the only singleton, so it's very awkward for me. I have zero in common with them and like you, I dread having to see them when I go outside! There's a super "busy-body" neighbor 2 doors down to who's always outside snooping around too - ugh!!! I'm just not very social and want peace and quiet when I'm home.

The next house I own will have LOTS of space between mine and the neighbors!

 

[cwby]

Yesterday was a quiet day, anxiety-wise.

Mowed the lawn. The punching bag in the backyard next door bothered me less than on previous days.

Last night, went for a walk around the block. Usually it is very quiet but last night there were a few people out. Wish they weren't out, but so be it, I guess. Don't know what I was afraid of. Maybe I thought the lady walking her dog was going to attack me, and the annoyingly loud ladies who were gabbing with each other were going to yell in my ears. I don't know. Got home and the neighbor lady and some guy (don't think it was her boyfriend with whom she lives) were talking -- f--- this, f--- that. Great... Thanks for sharing your expletives. But some how I managed to go in the house and not guard my territory. Of course, I "had" to go in the backyard for a minute before I went in the house! I crack me up sometimes. I am proud that I was able to walk in the house and didn't lose any sleep over the fact that people were out talking to each other.

 

[cwby]

Friday.

Trying to stay focused on what matters and not the stuff that this world says is important.

Weather should be ok this weekend, so I am preparing for noise outside. I hope and pray I am able to cope with it. Just want to get through the weekend without anxiety.

Sometimes I get so concerned over stuff I can't change... world affairs, and politics especially. My mind starts spinning and driving me crazy. Being on this stupid computer does NOT help. It is just a minefield of information overload. How do you all cope with information/stimulus overload?

I'll report back after the weekend is over. I am off stupid prednisone. My mood is better, but I am STILL full of snot.

Take care.

 

[cwby]

Tuesday. Good weekend overall. Took my kids hiking in solitude on Sat. morning and made the neighborhood/neighbors/people/noise of the afternoon more bearable.

I now firmly believe that I am HSP. I am thankful to Hoppy for leading me that way. So helpful. I am working on treatment at this time. I think a lot of my issues stem from :

HSP sensitivity to noise
fear of invasion/overtaking by strangers and others, due in part to being bullied in childhood