What's the best shyness advice you ever got?

[socialhelp]

Hi. I would love for all of us to share what has helped us with our shyness.

I'll start by telling you about a book called Don't Call Me Shy by Laurie Adelman. I've read a lot of books on shyness but this one is by far the best I've read. It's different from all the others because it helped me understand how my thinking and my beliefs about myself keep me shy. I was always trying to act social but deep down I knew I was shy and only thought that I could be shy.

I learned a whole new way of thinking and I've made so much progress from this book, my confidence is really good, and I'm more social and comfortable around others than I ever thought I could be. I sure hope this book helps everyone even half as much as it has helped me!

Okay, now write about what you have found helpful...and let me know how much this book helps you.

 

[Bekkzy]

Heyy there Thanks for that ill defo find that book xD I guess shyness is in everyone but its proper annoying when ur like it nearly all the time innit My english teacher noticed that im really quiet and she told my mum in parents evening "/ She said i should read outloud to myself in ma bedroom to get used to my own voice :S Not sure if it works, dont really want to sit in my room doing that id feel like a freak And i also read that talking to a complete stranger once a day would help. Hello? Im shy i can't do that without having a heart attack jeez The thing thats worked the most for me is talking to people over msn first actually xD Its soo much easier getting to know people, and you just feel like you can tell them more when u type it. Ya know like warning them ur one of them "quiet people". Then atleast they understand and talking to em at school is easier Tis what i usually do anyways. So yeehh Must now go find that book on ebay babyy. 8)

 

[abcyesn]

best advise I got was when you feel shy, think about something fun... or imagine the person you are talking to naked.

 

[AuroraSky]

I was helped a little by books, but a lot more by attending meets of shyness/ social anxiety groups in the big city where I live. I appreciate there might not be groups available for people in smaller places but they are worth investigating if there is one near you.

I wrote about my experiences in a little web page which is at

www.geocities.com/nelconsult

 

[theman]

Advice/threat

For me, change came hard, because of all the steps along the way to screw up and go back to your old, shy self.

For example, changing your choice of ice-cream flavors is easy: You order a new flavor, and when it arrives, the only way you can screw up is not to eat it. Not hard to get that right and delve into the new flavor.

Changing shyness/socializing/dating practices is more difficult, because there are so many different decisions you need to make along the way in order to wind up with a new set of habits.

My father used to play a game with me. We would get in the car and start driving. At every intersection he would ask me which way to go. I would direct him until we became bored or truly lost, then we would find our way back home. It was hard to get lost because we knew the neighborhood so well. We would inevitably wind up somewhere we had been before.

Circular navigation is programmed into your DNA. Unaided by tools, techniques, or geography, the average human attempting to walk in a straight line will complete a circle within 6 hours. Most human beings resist change and return to the comfort of their old patterns.

My changes started to happen when I got the advice that there are some things you can do to make yourself less resistant to new habits. Here are the six effective strategies I was taught:

1) Eliminate clutter. Crosstalk. Noise. Clutter is everything that comes up in your interactions with people that doesn’t need to be there. Clutter shows up emotionally, and in your approach. Have you ever been talking to a girl and been suddenly reminded of your mother, your ex-girlfriend, your sheep? This is clutter.

Exercise
What conversations, phrases, or behaviors do you repeat even though they rarely get you useful results? Do you have ineffective conversational skills? Lack initiative when it comes to making the first move? Present yourself poorly?

2) Start small – set REASONABLE goals. Thinking of your overall goal can be overwhelming. So manage your resistance by choosing one small part of it and attacking it today. Let’s say your goal is to be a mega player pickup artist. That can seem like an impossible thing to accomplish. It will seem more achievable if you promise yourself to talk to one new woman this week.

3) Disprove your disempowering beliefs. In “Reinventing Your Life,” authors Young and Klosko suggest that you identify the beliefs that keep you from succeeding. They offer a way to dispute those beliefs by asking “Is there really evidence today that this belief is true?”

Exercise
List all the beliefs you have about yourself that keep you from succeeding with women. Find evidence that contradicts your assumptions. For example:
Hypothesis: Women don’t like bald guys.
Contrary evidence: women love Michael Jordan.
Hypothesis: Women only like rich guys.
Contrary evidence: women flock to broke musicians.
Hypothesis: I can’t just walk up to a woman and start talking.
Contrary evidence: Go to a bar – you’ll see people doing just that.

4) Remind yourself of all of your available options. You always have alternatives and the power to choose among them.

5) Take responsibility for what you want. Look for signs that you are blaming your situation on others or not admitting past mistakes. You won’t become James Bond by wishing you were him. Nobody is going to do this for you. You need to become the man you want to be.

Exercise
If you were cool, collected, and confident as you wanted to be, how would you behave? What would the blazingly successful with women version of you look like? How would he dress? What would be his philosophy of life? How would he approach women?

6) Visualize the future. Imagine what you would be like if you were doing all the right things to bring women into your life.

Exercise
Write an imaginary press release about yourself. The date is today’s date, two years in the future. The press release is announcing the most extraordinary event you can think of. It doesn’t matter whether this event seems only vaguely possible to you. The important thing is that it is exciting to imagine.

AND a therapist actually told me he wanted to kick my a** because I wasn't doing anything to change my situation. On that day, my change began.

 

[zeke24]

abycesn that advice wont help because getting a boner is very anxiety producing. and i mean talking to girls. if i thot about guys naked i would get extremely anxious becuase its disgusting.

 

[tommydog]

Thanks for the book recomendation it sounds good i'll see if I can order it online. Wouldnt want to purchase it in person, too shy to be seen buying a book on shyness :lol:

Iv heard lots of good advice, heres one I like, Nelson Mandela said it during one of his speeches.

Theres nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

That is useful for me because I think I often used to (and still do) in an effort to fit in better, but really, others would respect me more if I was myself.

Also

Its useful because if I were to have any feeling of resentment to others, along the lines of "well im shy they should accomodate me" i'm reminded that no, thats not how the world works, they are not doing anything wrong, and im the one that needs to rise to the occasion, not them come down.

 

[jamez]

I really like the "Who gives a fuck?" mentality. I use to be painfully shy and still am in certain situations but I think this does help in revealing your true self. So if you got something to say then speak up because nothing catastrophic can happen by some small words. So really...who gives a flying shit?