What was I thinking!!!!

[Vonnie]

Hey I'm smiling, I'm happy and now I'll give everyone a big hug...yeah, right! At times I feel good like that but not now. I also have laryngitis and a chest cold that feels like an infection. But...I refuse to see a doctor now. I thought about seeing my doc but forget it because they don't care about anyone. Believe me, I've had my share of doctors making me feel like I'm a hypochondriac and when I was finally diagnosed with having an auto immune disease, I said...ha! I was really sick you idiots!!! Emotionally, I feel like crap okay! Tired of my emotions going up and down, up and down like I'm on a roller coaster and can't get off no matter what I do. My emotions go from being happy, sad, angry, back to happy then irritated for no reason to feeling like I want to scream at anyone near me. I hate emotions. I hate feeling anything. What is the point of me talking to anyone? Forget about the share crap. Forget it!!! Everytime I share what feel, I feel vulnerable and I don't like that. I feel like I'm making an absolute fool out of myself. Tell me something, do you think anyone cares about how you 'really' feel? Even on the internet, I get anxiety...afraid I'm not saying the right thing in what I post...afraid it's not witty enough...afraid I don't fit in...damn, I'm sick of my thoughts! I'm a boring, stupid African-American woman. That's right, I'm African-American and I also get sick of the isolation from some people because of my race. I've been on groups where I've posted my pic and after that, I suddenly lost the friends I thought I had. Trust? Well, right now I don't, not even with anyone who has SA like me. I also feel like I'm a phony and I'm sure you all noticed that in my posts. How can I be positive or helpful to anyone if I'm trying hard to be positive? Do I sound paranoid? Yeah, because I have a little of that along with OCD, Agoraphobia and so many other phobias that I won't even bother to list. Oh, I also had anorexia and still have to be careful I don't go back to starving myself. Crazy enough for ya? Well, maybe now you'll avoid me because I'm tired of reaching out to people saying, hey, I want to get to know you and sound like an idiot. Now, because of the reason I'm feeling this way, my therapist suggested I take a medication called Zyprexa. It's an anti-psychotic drug, hmm...now I'm psychotic. Okay, what other stuff should I add to my 'Vonnie is crazy' list. When will the isolation stop? When will I be accepted by someone for who I am and not because I'm popular, witty, gregarious and all the other stuff that people love and accept you into their so called 'popular crowd' I'm sick of it!!!!!!!!!! Eveyone, I'm trying. I'm trying very hard to connect with members here, but understand something, I'm from a family who believe in keeping stuff to yourself and then you're strong. I was told, don't tell your business and now that I've shared my business...I don't feel right. Sorry to vent like this but I'm just so tired

 

[triceratops]

u go girl...

 

[shy_miss_fly]

Dont be sorry. If you feel like venting then vent! Nobody is here to judge. I know what you mean about not feeling like your fitting in. I never feel like I fit in, whether its at work, with friends or any social gathering. And I too suffered from anorexia, for about 2 years. I thought I would feel better about myself and have better confidence if I was super model thin. But really those were the years I felt the worst about myslef and have told myself never to go back too that, its hard though sometimes. When i first signed up too this site, my goal wasnt too make friends, just because I figured that would be too much pressure for me and its hard for me too make friends even if its just online. Instead I told myself Im just going to try to open it up and talk about my problems and ask for help and advice and so far its helping alot.

 

[spikefan777]

I’m sorry that you’re feeling like crap right now. I can totally relate. I hate my emotions too; I wish I could just stop caring about what other people think of me. I feel like a minority myself; I’m half Japanese and am always being mistaken for Mexican. Oh but today though, this girl in my English class confessed that she was convinced that I was Hawiian. :?

 

[renegade]

Do not worry Vonnie, i've read some of your posts and you don't sound phony at all. And I'm not saying this just to cheer you up, it's what I think, you're as normal as you can be.

You're not making an absolute fool of yourself, your just telling us how you feel, and we can relate to that, you're not being vulnerable, but I bet you just want understanding and a friendly advice.

And belive me, once someone gets atached to you, he really cares for your feelings.

You don't sound like a paranoid, it's perfectly normal for someone with SP to feel like that. But I'm glad that you've shared your problems with us, let it all out. That is very brave of you :wink: .

We will not avoid you now, you've opened your soul to us, by the way, do you have a msn adress ? , I would like to talk to you.

 

[Angie_05]

I wish that everyone would be a lot more open about the way they are feeling. I'm tired of hiding things also and I'm tired of others pretending they are fine when they are not. Don't feel bad for telling us what's going on in your life. I feel like this is the only place where I can just let things out and say what's on my mind.

I'm an emotional roller coaster also. The happy moments are great, but they are short and rare. One event can totally change my day. Since my boyfriend moved across the country my self esteem is lower than ever and I spend most of my days crying and worrying that he doesn't want me. I know this is all in my head too. My emotions are so strong sometimes that I can't escape them. So I know how you feel in that respect.

It sucks that people stopped talking to you when they saw that you were African American. Doesn't really make sense to me. We have all kinds of people on this forum; from all different countries. I love it. Helps me to connect to people that would normally seem so different.

 

[Vonnie]

Hey...thank you for the replies, though I feel kind of embarrassed for getting upset like that I was never comfortable expressing my feelings because like I've mentioned, I grew up in a family that's not emotional at all. My sister has a family and even when she's stressed, she's able to function mentally. Me, forget it. Even if I'm somewhat stressed, I have a panic attack. My mom was always in control despite her experiences. The good thing is, now I can talk to her about what I'm feeling but my sister, forget it. She's very cold and always made me feel like I'm weird if I was emotional about something. My aunts and cousins are the same way. Anger is something I feared greatly. It's an emotion I felt was bad and shouldn't be expressed. Once one of my teachers told me, 'Yvonne, I'm surprised at you for getting upset' after that, I felt like I had to be miss perfect. I saw my family were in control of their feelings so I kept everything to myself, to feel strong, to feel normal. I joined this forum so that I can open up and yet I've noticed it's really tough for me. Memories come back of what my mom told me not to do...don't say this or that to anyone and then I get so scared. This forum is definitely a challenge for me, I'll say that. I'm finally facing my fears of opening up to people and it's very scary.

Shy_miss_fly, what you mentioned about anorexia, it's the same reason why it happened to me. I wanted to be be a model, thinking it'll give me confidence. Then I started obsessing about losing weight even though I was already thin. I lost so much weight down to 76 pounds. The doctor told me, 'do you want to die because if you keep losing weight, you can have a heart attack' That really scared me and then I realized my obsession with wanting to be model thin was dangerous. I thought about something else you said. Yeah, it's great to meet people but it's not good to put pressure on yourself either. I have a habit of putting pressure on everything I do, even when I'm writing. So I'm gonna take it easy here.

Scyth...

Spikefan777, I'm feeling better now after calming myself down the rest of the day. I hate when a panic attack happens like that out of the blue. That's been happening a lot and my therapist told me it's because I'm dealing with stuff I never wanted to talk about. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's afraid of expressing their emotions. And about feeling like a minority, I've tried to ignore issues like racism or anything that would cause anxiety( I agree with you Angie_05, it doesn't make sense). So after a few experiences I've had recently on other forums, I realized I can't ignore that either and have to deal with it positively. It's tough, especially if you have SA. There are so many things I'm dealing with that I've avoided before.

Renegade, I should let myself be human huh? LOL...*shakes head* Being a perfectionist is a tough job and I don't think I can do it anymore. Thanks for caring and helping me feel I'm not crazy. Appreciate it! Having SA, it's so tough to think someone actually cares or wants to be your friend. About MSN, do you mean messenger because I don't have that. You can send me an e-mail, which is in my profile. I would love to chat!

Angie_05, you're right and I'm tired of holding things inside, too and pretending, which is why I blew up like that. I just never thought anyone would be interested in what I had to say. Usually I'll just listen to someone and not talk about how I'm feeling. And if I vented, I would be afraid someone would think I'm weak or making a big deal over something...what my sister told me a lot. What you said about your boyfriend, I understand why you would feel a flood of emotions since he moved across the country. Are you in contact with him frequently?

Everyone, thanks again for your wonderful support and allowing me to be myself! (((hugs))) :mrgreen: