What SA people do - they suck

[madeup]

What SA people do:

1. SA people suck.

2. SA people secretly try to control everybody so that people won't think they suck.

A. They do this by being self-conscious, super aware of themselves, so that they can control themselves and how they appear to others so that they can control how others perceive them.

B. So self-consciousness is really about controlling other people. Controlling them to think a certain way about us.

3. SA people fail to control everybody

A. Because THAT... IS... IMPOSSIBLE... - although SA people are pretty good at it sometimes from lots of practice.

4. SA people feel anxious because thats what everyone IN THE ENTIRE WORLD feels when they try to control something and start losing a grip on it AND because now their solution to sucking (controlling everybody) has failed and they go back to sucking with all that energy wasted.


What I did to get through SA.

STEP 1

SA people don't %@$ing suck. It's an illusion we created out of frustration. Maybe our parents were bad role models, maybe kids at school made fun of us, whatever it was... Our perfection was challenged at some point and in frustration with ourselves that we could not be perfect, we labeled ourselves with judgments, perhaps at first to motivate ourselves to strive for perfection but alas we began to believe these things.

So stop hating yourself... and accomplish this feat the LAZY way. Listen to self-esteem tapes at night. You can turn the volume on them down until they're just barely audible. I'm proof that they work. It takes a few months but it's worth it. I recommend anything by Bob Griswold - cause thats what I used.

Why? Because believing that you suck is a cop-out. It's justifying giving up and letting everyone down. And if you don't care? Then do it because it'll take your anxiety away.


STEP 2

Controlling people is a waste of time and energy. I doubt your ideal world is you enslaving humanity and forcing them to do everything you want them to do. That would get boring quick.

STOP controlling people. Let them be however they are. If they hate you, judge you, love you, like you, whatever... just let them do their thing. Walk into a room and think to yourself - I'm going to stop controlling everything and just let everything be... That means try to stop judging people too. You don't really need to decode everybody's "weaknesses." It wastes your time and energy and you need those things to get what you really want out of life.

Why? Because secretly you want people to love you and the world is your mirror. If you hate people, people will hate you back. If you love people, people will love you back. And if you don't care about that? Then once again, do it because it'll kill your anxiety.

CONCLUSION

Step 1, love yourself. Step 2, STOP controlling everybody.

Here's how this will play out for you.

When you start listening to self-esteem tapes, you're going to disagree with a majority of the stuff on the tape and its going to make you feel uncomfortable. After a few months, you'll get used to it and you'll be okay with it. After a few more months, you'll start to believe what the tape is telling you.

When you start trying to walk into a room and NOT control everything, you'll be afraid. You think that controlling everything is how you manage to survive and make it home at the end of the day. After a few months you'll realize on a deep level that the reason you survive and make it home at the end of the day is because your not really in danger. After awhile you'll start to be more calm than people who never had SA to begin with because a lot of people try to control things around themselves and you'll be one up on them.

One last thing and I regret putting this at the bottom because I think it's really important...

On top of the self-esteem tapes that you listen to at night, record yourself an affirmation that states your goal (IN DETAIL) and why you want it and play it with the self esteem tapes.

"I want a girlfriend whose kind, attractive, intelligent, and fun because I know that she will bring happiness into my life."

or

"I want to be able to feel calm and focused around my co-workers and clients at work because this will allow me to have more energy to get my work done and give me greater piece of mind."

or whatever and the reason I suggest this is that it's quite probable that you don't have enough DESIRE to push yourself outside your mental box and into the unknown ...

a life that's completely free of social anxiety...




Oh and I know this is two topics in a row that share a lot of similarity from me but I love talking about this stuff. If one person here can gain something from my experience, I would be %#$ing ecstatic that all my pain manifested something positive.

 

[noblame4]

Alright Dr. Frued. You've cured me of my ills. Now you can stop.

 

[Chod77]

You can curse on this forum. Go ahead say the word "fuck" There is no need for the "*&$%" lol. Anyways I kinda understand what your trying to so say but I just don't know how to stop hating myself. It's pretty much impossible.

 

[noblame4]

You can curse on this forum. Go ahead say the word "fuck" There is no need for the "*&$%" lol. Anyways I kinda understand what your trying to so say but I just don't know how to stop hating myself. It's pretty much impossible.

Same here. And that is why I think all this self-help junk is snake oil. If getting better were as easy as listening to a few tapes and giving ourselves a hug in the mirror, none of us would have a problem.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Actually, you got me on the controlling part. I've realized it before (I even mentioned it to my thread) but I haven't thought that it might be connected somehow with SA.
So thanks! Another self-awareness for me!

 

[madeup]

You can curse on this forum. Go ahead say the word "fuck" There is no need for the "*&$%" lol. Anyways I kinda understand what your trying to so say but I just don't know how to stop hating myself. It's pretty much impossible.

Same here. And that is why I think all this self-help junk is snake oil. If getting better were as easy as listening to a few tapes and giving ourselves a hug in the mirror, none of us would have a problem.

Look at what you're saying here though. You don't know how to stop hating yourself...

Hating yourself is basically judging yourself negatively. To stop, you could simply judge yourself positively.

Instead of thinking "I hate myself" you switch it up to "I love myself."

If you simply changed up your strategy to always saying loving things towards yourself instead of hateful ones, you would have self-esteem.

and that might seem hard but I'll address that at the bottom of this post...

I don't think it's a matter of not knowing how to stop... I think it's a matter of motivation.


HATING yourself is more important to you than loving yourself.

I can give an example on how this makes sense.

Whenever you are faced with a choice, you are capable of partially favoring both choices.

When theres ice cream in front of you, you can both want the ice cream and not want it at the same time. It's like theres two of you and one of you wants the ice cream and the other doesn't. The version of you whose desire is stronger wins.

If the part of you that hates ice cream is stronger than the part of you that loves ice cream, you will NOT eat ice cream.

So why would the part of you that hates yourself be stronger than the part of you that loves yourself?

Because you found a reason to hate yourself thats stronger than a reason to love yourself.

I'm telling you right here and now that the reason you hate yourself is crap logic.

Most likely it was created when you were much younger and more gullible.
Most likely it was created to excuse yourself for some perceived failure of yours.

Maybe you couldn't date that beautiful girl you always wanted or you weren't the fastest on the track team, or maybe your parents were abusive... and to make sense of this world in which you couldn't have what you really wanted, you created a self-image of yourself.

A self-image of you being this pathetic human being who fucks everything up.

I couldn't date that beautiful girl because I'm ugly.
I couldn't run as fast as the other kids because I'm weak.
I couldn't get love from my parents because I'm bad.

In each of these cases, you wanted something that would have made you happy. Maybe it was attention, praise, or love and when you didn't get it, you gave yourself an excuse for not continuing to pursue these things.

That excuse was basically "I can't do it because I suck."

It's a simple behavior.

1. You want something.
2. You don't get it.
3. You excuse yourself from continuing to try to get it with "I suck too much to get it."

Take this mentality to the extreme. You're thirsty and there's no glass of water in front of you so you say "I can't get some more water because I'm so stupid and weak." Then you die of dehydration after flailing around your room for 36 hours in self-pity.

It's comical because it's stupid logic.


"If it was so easy, we all wouldn't have a problem."

Unless you subconsciously want social anxiety because it gives you an excuse to not solve the problems that really matter to you and the part of you that doesn't want social anxiety is smaller and only willing to half ass attempts to cure it.

What best way to half ass an attempt at something than to look around for solutions and then to judge them as inadequate.

It gives you hope of finding some cure all solution and at the same time allows you to continue doing what your doing without any real change.

I'm telling you right now and here that it is worth it to face the big problems in your life and to take baby steps towards solving them. It's worth it to overcome low-self esteem and NOT taking responsibility for yourself.

Social anxiety is a cruel bitch and its WORTH it to take action and actually change yourself.

And I'm telling you from experience that listening to tapes at night works because it's so FUCKING EASY (even if the only reason it works is because it requires so little of you). You don't have to do any of the work, it just reprograms your subconscious mind for you... instead of having to spend all day fighting your thoughts consciously.

Personally I don't care if you pirate it off the internet if your worried about wasting your money or find some affirmations online and record them yourself... What do you have to lose?


Just watch out because the more you search and search and yet never really commit to a real solution (something published in a book or used by someone who overcame social anxiety) then you are FAKE TRYING.

And then you know... that you don't really want to get better and that the part of you that wants social anxiety is stronger.

Despite that being true the smaller part of you that wants to beat social anxiety is always going to be there, even if its just flickering in and out because YOU ALL logically understand that to create excuses and blame the world and yourself gets you nothing and to take action and responsibility does.

 

[A-UK-Lovely]

haha! why did u come here after i was banned? lol watch out, u might be banned to for this stuff, some people dont wanna hear it mate, but then alot of people to appreaciate the honest advice.
But you pretty much 'cured' ur problems how i did, which is interesting if you think about it. because this is obviously something that works! there was another guy on here called sikwitt who cured himself the same way. interesting.
i listened to hypnosis tapes, meditated, and when thought arose which were negative, i stopped. and made my mind go blank. say if i thought 'omg im such a loser!' and would stop and think 'hey so what if i am a loser? im a decent person, if that means im a loser, then go for it!' and after ages of doing this kinda thing, i found myself again, and now im comfortable with being me, it dont mean theres something i am sometimes, omg im not good enough, but i think its become more average now, coz everyone does it sometimes! its when its obsessional its a problem.
also. is to sorround yourself with nice people. yeh the cunts r more fun, but thats until they screw u over, nice normal people r ur friends for life. so distance urself from negative people in ur life, not ignore them, just take me with a pinch of salt.
but keep posting madeup, because i find it really interesting, esp as im doing a psychology degree.

 

[freestylemonster]

wow, I gotta say, you make A LOT of sence! I've noticed the last few days that when I'm invited to go out or whatever with my room mate (I just got into college) I for whatever reason want to spend my time reading about "ways to overcome SA or shyness" alone in my room on the computer instead of actually going out and trying to put what I've learned to practice.

But I think the reason is, like most people on this site who say "It's not that easy otherwise I'd be all better now", I'm a little scared. I'm so used to my own company, that when I'm hanging out with people even if I'm talking and having fun, in the back of my mind I just want to go to my room and be alone for a while. but when I'm alone, all I really want to do is go out and make some friends.

I think the problem we all have is that we all want sympathy. When we`re by ourselves we get sympathy...from ourselves. When we finally go out and try to talk, it`s a normal experience and there`s no sympathy from the other people because they don`t know that you`re depressed or hurting insidè.

The real truth is that the grass is always greener on the other side. Us shy people have built up `talking to people`and `being social`to the point where it`s really not as great as we think it`s going to be, so when we finally go to say hi so someone and all we get is a smile or they say hi back, it`s disapointing, because we were expecting more. Just remember: talking to people is a very average thing. It`s not always fun or exiting, it`s just relating to other people

 

[krs2snow]

Awesome post freestyle!

When we`re by ourselves we get sympathy...from ourselves.

Just remember: talking to people is a very average thing. It`s not always fun or exiting

So true!

 

[notepad]

an excellent post.

i'm so thankful to you for posting this information.

 

[Tbare]

hey,
just wanted to say- hi five! for getting better!
it's so awesome to hear. im still working on getting better, and i know it sounds ridiculous all this positive thinking shit when you feel terrible but to start with youve actually just got to say- actually- fuck you insecurities! get fucked your not real and stop paying attention to the depressive thoughts- give the power to you positive thoughts- if you really want to get better. what else has helped me is...
trying to view everyone as my equals- rather than judging (power playing). and actually observing other people more... when i go to the supermarket now i have started looking around at people when waiting in line- (rather than avoiding anything close to eye contact ) - and im amazed to see self consicousness everywhere! i used to feel like i would stand out in a crowd but im now starting to realise that truly extroverted, confident people are really hard to come by! look around next time your at the shop. just chill, go slowly and see what you can observe - i have found this really helpful. hmm.. i think i may be rambling a bit- sorry if you read that and it wasnt literary prize worthy- tis my first ever post... please dont hate me! ... sorry [in joke]

 

[Sacrament]

I'm surprised there wasn't an avalanche of people berating you for your post. Tough love, most of the times, is what people with SA need to get over their problems. You can't just expect someone to pet you on the head and go "it's okay, you don't have to go outside". You need to expose yourself. Bit by bit or all at once, you need to expose yourself. Even YOU know (and I've seen people mention this before on SPW) that when you spend too much time at home without having people around you, your body and mind get too used to it and when you try to go outside again, it's really really hard.

For more than a year, I couldn't even go downtown. The thought was laughable. My friends (thankfully, I have good friends - a few, but good friends) would ask me to do here or there, and I just wouldn't, and it would kill me inside every single time. It would depress me more and more and more. I can't have that. I have a lot of potential. I'm a decent writer, a decent photographer and I make decent music; I also give good advice and am always there for those who need me (those who matter, of course). I still have a LONG way to go, but I'm doing better than before.

Try.

Just give it a try. Start small. If you're too scared of simply walking out the door, then just walk out the door at first. Do it a few times a day and start small: 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, 15 minutes, etc; then, take a walk from end to end on your street; then, take a walk around the block; then, start jogging every morning and so on.

Start small, but please start. The world should know we're alive, that we matter, that we have a story to tell and that we deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be at peace.

 

[Walk]

I think to say that SA sufferers "suck" is too vague. It's inaccurate.

We do certain things that suck, but overall, I believe most of us are decent people who wouldn't mind helping others.

I can name several extroverted people with little or no SA who massively suck as fellow human beings.

Having SA is about having unbalanced emotions. It takes time to get over them or to control them, and medication may be needed, but we don't completely suck as people nor are we better than those without SA. Sure, we do fucked up things to others sometimes... who doesn't. We just have more personal problems than some.

Some people may need some of the tough love, but I rather see specific issues being tackled, not just "SA people suck".

 

[Jellybeans]

Alright Dr. Frued. You've cured me of my ills. Now you can stop.

lol. dude's out to cure the world... that's for sure. too bad he's got the wrong approach.

 

[A-UK-Lovelly]

out to save the world? no hes here to try and help YOU! dont complain about having an illness when your going to take the piss out of people who are trying to help you, wether it actualy helped you or not, becuase non the less its help.
have you got any helping suggestions for everyone noblame and jellybeans??
im assuming thats a no. enought said.

 

[phoenix1]

Interesting stuff.

I think its not so much the control of others as it is the need to control yourself in respect to others. Like the need to control every aspect of your looks and how you speak and what you say...

The thing about control is that you can't will yourself out of it for any extended period because its really just a symptom. People *need* control because they don't know what else to do. Believe it or not, its actually the only thing that keeps socially anxious people sane. The thought they if we just control one more thing, e.g. new clothes. how we say something. Sure its an illusion and a lie, but its the only thing we *believe* we can do when there's so much pain.

I certainly agree with the focus on positivity though. The more you can focus on your desire to be social and the good feelings associated with it, the more you will stop feeling the need to control the situation.

 

[Jellybeans]

out to save the world? no hes here to try and help YOU! dont complain about having an illness when your going to take the piss out of people who are trying to help you, wether it actualy helped you or not, becuase non the less its help.
have you got any helping suggestions for everyone noblame and jellybeans??
im assuming thats a no. enought said.

i can tell you have a second username... lol

i don't have an illness, unless you call anxiety an illness. and whenever i have advice, i share it. never force shit on others, bro...

keep on savin' the world though. don't mind me

 

[LostViking]

Got some points in there I reckon, some I disagree with as well, but can't be arsed to argue at this hour.

Two cents of semi-constructive criticism though; daring and edgy has its place, but not when you try to give people advice and explain them how you (supposedly) cured yourself. Didn't actually bother checking the topic until tonight because I instantly assumed it was just another troll bash-fest with bells and pitchforks after a glance at the title.

 

[Ursula]

It's good you're giving some constructive advice but I think it's a bit counterproductive and sensationalist to say that s.a. people 'suck'- as Walk points out, we've got plenty of good things about us just as more confident people have flaws. Having s.a. might 'suck' but it's a bit cheeky to say we suck as people! Also it's a bit ironic to say that s.a people are constantly trying to control situations/people when your post is quite precise and controlling itself.

 

[LostViking]

I don't think that was the point of what he was saying, but it proves that such phrasing is to ask for misinterpretation. And that serves no-one when it's a topic that can help people.