What now?

[Postphobia]

Okay, I have a long story, but I'll make it as short as I can. When I was growing up, I was painfully shy and couldn't talk to girls. Then, when I was 17, I started having panic attacks and it quickly turned into agoraphobia. By then, I had just given up on meeting someone. Then, eleven years later, I met someone online and we got married. I was so happy. She said she would help me with the agoraphobia and loved me for who I was. Then, a year and a half later, she cheated on me and left with the guy. Financially and emotionally destroyed, I had to move in with my parents. Little by little, I was able to build back my money. Then, I lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. Then, in 2007, I found my key to beating the agoraphobia and by 2009 I no longer had it. I started dating the first girl since I got divorced 10 years ago. 6 months later, I found out she was just using me to take her out and spend money on her. I hadn't dated since my divorce because I didn't trust anyone, and the first time out, she annihilates what little trust I had left. She betrayed me and lied to my friends then dumped me with the coldest eyes I've ever seen. Now, I feel like I've beaten my agoraphobia, but there is nothing good out there. I'm 38, alone, my trust is gone, and I'm severely depressed. I don't feel like there is anything good in life anymore. All I wanted in life was someone to share my life with and I think it's just too late now. I've been trying to go out with friends and try to meet new people, but I'm so guarded and I have so many walls up that I just use small talk. I realize too that I'm starting to isolate myself from friends and family because I don't trust their motives anymore. My parents keep telling me how wonderful my life is compared to my brother, who does have a lot of problems right now, but it's like my feeling shouldn't matter. They think I should just be happy, and I really wish I could, but there is nothing in my life right now. I haven't felt loved in over 10 years and I think we all need that to survive. Lately my depression is getting much worse and I keep wishing I just wasn't here anymore. I don't want to commit suicide, but I don't have any happiness or dreams anymore. Nothing interests me and I can't find any sparks any more. I want help, but I feel that if I go to a psychologist, they'll just push drugs in my face and won't help me solve my real problems. I just feel utterly alone anymore and I don't know how to stop it.

 

[kihira]

A psychologist will push therapy, not drugs. They aren't qualified to do that. Only Doctors and psychiatrists can

 

[Locke]

Nothing interests me and I can't find any sparks any more.

I would start here. I believe, at the very least, happiness can be found in the things we love to do, even if we do them without a significant other to share with. Invest some time in what you like to do, and if your serious about it, find others who do the same. Maybe you can find a woman who shares the same interest along the way. At the very least, you'll be happy with yourself. Do you have any interests that can involve a lot of people?

If I took my own advice, it would look like this. Writing--I would have to join some writing class or club. Art--the same, but no clubs (I would hate that). Mountain biking--some get together on a certain trail on a certain date with other bicycling weirdos. All sounds lame, but its a start. I personally am going to take art classes in the very near future. That's my vision for a brighter future. That's my starting point.

A little momentum is what you need.

 

[Postphobia]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't know that psychologists couldn't prescribe drugs. I may actually get an appointment then. I'm trying to get more involved with people. I've actually went to 2 gatherings at my church last week, and I tried to make better friends, but it's really hard for me to gauge how well I'm doing. I feel like I'm too uptight though, and that I'm keeping everything on a surface level. I've known some of these people a long time and I'm still conversing about the weather and such. It's like I don't want to let my walls down a really let anyone in.