hughc
New member
im putting an end to this...i dont know what is wrong...all i know is i have been trying to quit drinking and smoking weed...
i had a bad trip on lsd in april of 2007..from there until january 08, 2008...everything was fine..then i started smoking weed
again which i think brought up the bad effects of the lsd again..now its like, i have voices inside of my head telling me what to do
one voices is my ex girlfriend, another voice is my dad, and then the other voice is me...im not sure if this is schizophrenia, ocd,
multiple personality, disassociative identity disorder, or just trauma from the terrible relationship i was in...oh yeah and everytime i do something good or i feel something good happens, i have to look up and say "thank you God" is this craziness or what.
i met an older woman online who was 25 years older then me (im 21 now)...and yes i kind of was attracted to her because she was a motherly
figure to me...however the relationship was hell...i ended up getting herpes, she made myspaces making fun of me..i know
i wasnt completely innocent either. she gave me herpes and ever since then i dont know...i just feel like
theres something "wrong" with me. i feel inferior, i feel like none of this ever happened, like im trying to hide that fact that anyone of this ever happened...im so afraid to talk about it...she made fun of me with all her daughters...made myspaces about me calling me gay
and that i was a paranoid schizophrenic, and invited all my friend on myspace for the laughing fest...
i feel like im afraid to talk about it, like everyone here will make fun of me...but i know not everyone is like that...i know i hate her, but i need to get things to stop in my head... shes isolated me from all my friends, convinced me that "they" were the problems in my life...but the
more i think about it, and the more i dont want to realize it, she isolated me so i could suffer her pain..she enjoys messing with me, with my head...she knows im still attached to her in an unhealthy way and still she flaunts her new boyfriends and the guys in her life...just to make me feel bad
, but why is she doing this...it makes me want to kill myself...her myspace status says she's excited about her new friends...or itll be like, geez i just broke up with this guy now im getting with another guy...just to throw it in my face...i feel like God torments me...all i do is think about her day and night, i cant stop...i hate her yet i love her, but she makes fun of me and uses me and just makes me feel like my life isnt worth living anymore...
now im afraid to talk to all of my friends, i've crashed my car, my life has downward spiraled since i met her...i feel distant and just disconnected from reality and everyone i know...i know they are my friends, but then again i feel like they're going to hurt me like she hurt me, but i know thats not possible or else they wouldnt be my friends...
i dont know if its the bad trip, the marijuana, me withdrawing from the drugs and alcohol or just being in a traumatic relationship..
but all of these, i feel like are multiple personalities of me, one minute i'll think i'm a drug addict, the next minute,
i'm an alcoholic..the next minute, i hate her, the next minute, i love her, the next minute, she screwed up my head, the next minute, she helped me...but i know she didnt help me!! i have never been like this before in my life....i cant stop these thoughts...its constantly driving me
nuts...i feel like im insane, im angry and pissed off on minute, the next minute, i feel emotionless, and just nothing,
i feel nothing. i don't even really know what i feel, just numb inside... then other times im happy and wonder where all of that came from...these thoughts start from the moment i wake up till the second i fall asleep...i cant work, i cant even walk around or be around people without thinking crazy thoughts, like "i'm going to attack them" even though i know i'm not going to...it makes me believe that i am going to...i dont know i cant stand it...i cant even be around my mom because i have fear that i will become attracted to her or i will want to have sex with her...the thought doesnt stop entering my brain...i was also in a mental hospital..where they believed i was psychotic and gave me risperdal..which made me feel really fucked up, just drugged and zombie like...they also prescribed me paxil but im too afraid to take meds..because then my mindset will be, i'm on medication, i'm on medication...i swear it doesn't stop, it never will.. i feel like part of it is i trusted the wrong person with my life...and she always said, "trust me, you know you can" and the whole thing just seemed really shady to me from the start, and i know i should have listened to my intuition from the start...
please help because ive been like this for almost a year now..alot of it i think was that i was in a really bad relationship and i am constantly questioning whats wrong with me, like i dont feel good enough for anyone...i dont know whats going on..i just need to talk about it...and
its funny, because the time i spent with her is like, "locked out in my head" i think from all the pain that has happened and all the stuff that i was put through for no reason...i did the best i could i really did, i just feel like i don't deserve any of this anymore, i deserve to be me!! and to live..without thinking, "what is wrong with me" can anyone please help
me or give me advice...
im so sick of suffering, its been years...im confused all the time, and just feel emotionless and just plain fed up, and im really sorry that this was so long...thank you all who read this, btw, my whole life was completely fine until i met this woman, now im afraid of all women even though i know its only her...thank you everyone for reading this and im sorry if im sending mixed messages i cant help it!!! arghhh god please help me...
i had a bad trip on lsd in april of 2007..from there until january 08, 2008...everything was fine..then i started smoking weed
again which i think brought up the bad effects of the lsd again..now its like, i have voices inside of my head telling me what to do
one voices is my ex girlfriend, another voice is my dad, and then the other voice is me...im not sure if this is schizophrenia, ocd,
multiple personality, disassociative identity disorder, or just trauma from the terrible relationship i was in...oh yeah and everytime i do something good or i feel something good happens, i have to look up and say "thank you God" is this craziness or what.
i met an older woman online who was 25 years older then me (im 21 now)...and yes i kind of was attracted to her because she was a motherly
figure to me...however the relationship was hell...i ended up getting herpes, she made myspaces making fun of me..i know
i wasnt completely innocent either. she gave me herpes and ever since then i dont know...i just feel like
theres something "wrong" with me. i feel inferior, i feel like none of this ever happened, like im trying to hide that fact that anyone of this ever happened...im so afraid to talk about it...she made fun of me with all her daughters...made myspaces about me calling me gay
and that i was a paranoid schizophrenic, and invited all my friend on myspace for the laughing fest...
i feel like im afraid to talk about it, like everyone here will make fun of me...but i know not everyone is like that...i know i hate her, but i need to get things to stop in my head... shes isolated me from all my friends, convinced me that "they" were the problems in my life...but the
more i think about it, and the more i dont want to realize it, she isolated me so i could suffer her pain..she enjoys messing with me, with my head...she knows im still attached to her in an unhealthy way and still she flaunts her new boyfriends and the guys in her life...just to make me feel bad
, but why is she doing this...it makes me want to kill myself...her myspace status says she's excited about her new friends...or itll be like, geez i just broke up with this guy now im getting with another guy...just to throw it in my face...i feel like God torments me...all i do is think about her day and night, i cant stop...i hate her yet i love her, but she makes fun of me and uses me and just makes me feel like my life isnt worth living anymore...now im afraid to talk to all of my friends, i've crashed my car, my life has downward spiraled since i met her...i feel distant and just disconnected from reality and everyone i know...i know they are my friends, but then again i feel like they're going to hurt me like she hurt me, but i know thats not possible or else they wouldnt be my friends...
i dont know if its the bad trip, the marijuana, me withdrawing from the drugs and alcohol or just being in a traumatic relationship..
but all of these, i feel like are multiple personalities of me, one minute i'll think i'm a drug addict, the next minute,
i'm an alcoholic..the next minute, i hate her, the next minute, i love her, the next minute, she screwed up my head, the next minute, she helped me...but i know she didnt help me!! i have never been like this before in my life....i cant stop these thoughts...its constantly driving me
nuts...i feel like im insane, im angry and pissed off on minute, the next minute, i feel emotionless, and just nothing,
i feel nothing. i don't even really know what i feel, just numb inside...
then other times im happy and wonder where all of that came from...these thoughts start from the moment i wake up till the second i fall asleep...i cant work, i cant even walk around or be around people without thinking crazy thoughts, like "i'm going to attack them" even though i know i'm not going to...it makes me believe that i am going to...i dont know i cant stand it...i cant even be around my mom because i have fear that i will become attracted to her or i will want to have sex with her...the thought doesnt stop entering my brain...i was also in a mental hospital..where they believed i was psychotic and gave me risperdal..which made me feel really fucked up, just drugged and zombie like...they also prescribed me paxil but im too afraid to take meds..because then my mindset will be, i'm on medication, i'm on medication...i swear it doesn't stop, it never will.. i feel like part of it is i trusted the wrong person with my life...and she always said, "trust me, you know you can" and the whole thing just seemed really shady to me from the start, and i know i should have listened to my intuition from the start...please help because ive been like this for almost a year now..alot of it i think was that i was in a really bad relationship and i am constantly questioning whats wrong with me, like i dont feel good enough for anyone...i dont know whats going on..i just need to talk about it...and
its funny, because the time i spent with her is like, "locked out in my head" i think from all the pain that has happened and all the stuff that i was put through for no reason
...i did the best i could i really did, i just feel like i don't deserve any of this anymore, i deserve to be me!! and to live..without thinking, "what is wrong with me" can anyone please helpme or give me advice...
im so sick of suffering, its been years...im confused all the time, and just feel emotionless and just plain fed up, and im really sorry that this was so long...thank you all who read this, btw, my whole life was completely fine until i met this woman
, now im afraid of all women even though i know its only her...thank you everyone for reading this and im sorry if im sending mixed messages i cant help it!!! arghhh god please help me...