I think it is AVPD? But I am pretty outgoing and fit in pretty well into most groups but often times there is a voice in my head monitoring my appearance and judging my words or thought, or whispering what other people may be thinking about me. This also makes me feel uncomfortable when meeting people for the first time, or being the focal point in groups. Often, I convince myself of failure before trying a particular thing, whether it is rock-climbing or something at work.
I rarely get to the point of sweats, or butterflies in the stomach or trouble breathing. It is more of a nagging yet debilitating persona which keeps me from living my life as I should. Does this ring a bell for anyone? Am I just suffering from low self esteem or is it AVPD? I thought it might help if I shared a journal of sorts, that I have been keeping.
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1)Reading people's glances and deciding they are thinking unpleasant about me
2)Feeling awkward in elevators, as if people are looking at me.
3)In group situations at work, feeling as if I have said the wrong thing and everyone is thinking how inept I am.
4)Overly sensitive with people's: facial expressions, even when they express slight frustrations
5)Overly concerned with appearance: clothing must look exactly like mental image of how I think it should look. Always worrying that something is wrong enough to where people will look at me and laugh inwardly
6)Afraid to try new things which involve any kind of physical activity: I feel that I am not coordinated enough to succeed and decide I will fail before trying.
7)Anxious / nervous when sitting around in groups – people are looking at me and judging my appearance somehow
8)Walking down a hallway – anxious moment about meeting the other person's eyes and saying hi. Should I look straight ahead or look at them?
9)Dont want to meet date while she invites me over, too comfortable in bed. Don't want to drive there, dont want to be pressed for overly physical contact. I feel while I am there, there is always the stress of having to watch myself and act accordingly
10)While at her house, my mind racing with thoughts of what will happen if I sleep with her. It will be so embarassing and I will feel inadequate, weird, outcast? These thoughts keep repeating over and over as I make out with her and keeps me from relaxing, I am tense, and keep thinking about ending it and leaving, running away to the safety, comfortableness of my apartment.
11)Completely uninterested in doing things. Today, I meant to go to the bookstore and target or wal-mart. But I didn't I felt like it was too much work to drive out there, I just wanted to get comfort food, come back home and get into bed. I feel a bit lonely, but am comfortable.
12)I began thinking that co-worker had taken offense (he responded with a comment) to a light hearted comment I had made over email and began to dwell on his response and even develop anomosity towards him in my imagination.
13)I was wary about contacting my boss about certain things on Friday, for fear or? Of requesting something that would sound stupid, or making myself look inept.
14)I always seek to make people laugh at my jokes to give me a sense of being liked, or try to appear 'cool' and that gives me a sense of respect.
I rarely get to the point of sweats, or butterflies in the stomach or trouble breathing. It is more of a nagging yet debilitating persona which keeps me from living my life as I should. Does this ring a bell for anyone? Am I just suffering from low self esteem or is it AVPD? I thought it might help if I shared a journal of sorts, that I have been keeping.
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1)Reading people's glances and deciding they are thinking unpleasant about me
2)Feeling awkward in elevators, as if people are looking at me.
3)In group situations at work, feeling as if I have said the wrong thing and everyone is thinking how inept I am.
4)Overly sensitive with people's: facial expressions, even when they express slight frustrations
5)Overly concerned with appearance: clothing must look exactly like mental image of how I think it should look. Always worrying that something is wrong enough to where people will look at me and laugh inwardly
6)Afraid to try new things which involve any kind of physical activity: I feel that I am not coordinated enough to succeed and decide I will fail before trying.
7)Anxious / nervous when sitting around in groups – people are looking at me and judging my appearance somehow
8)Walking down a hallway – anxious moment about meeting the other person's eyes and saying hi. Should I look straight ahead or look at them?
9)Dont want to meet date while she invites me over, too comfortable in bed. Don't want to drive there, dont want to be pressed for overly physical contact. I feel while I am there, there is always the stress of having to watch myself and act accordingly
10)While at her house, my mind racing with thoughts of what will happen if I sleep with her. It will be so embarassing and I will feel inadequate, weird, outcast? These thoughts keep repeating over and over as I make out with her and keeps me from relaxing, I am tense, and keep thinking about ending it and leaving, running away to the safety, comfortableness of my apartment.
11)Completely uninterested in doing things. Today, I meant to go to the bookstore and target or wal-mart. But I didn't I felt like it was too much work to drive out there, I just wanted to get comfort food, come back home and get into bed. I feel a bit lonely, but am comfortable.
12)I began thinking that co-worker had taken offense (he responded with a comment) to a light hearted comment I had made over email and began to dwell on his response and even develop anomosity towards him in my imagination.
13)I was wary about contacting my boss about certain things on Friday, for fear or? Of requesting something that would sound stupid, or making myself look inept.
14)I always seek to make people laugh at my jokes to give me a sense of being liked, or try to appear 'cool' and that gives me a sense of respect.
