A_Void_Ant
Well-known member
maybe somebody will read this and reply to make me feel better, to make me feel like someone cares...well here goes. i'm 18. i'm not like normal guys. this isn't fair. i don't like sports. what is so wrong with that?? no i like sports i just don't play them because i'd be too embarassed to play them because i don't look like someone who would play sports so i don't belong in the category of 'someone who plays sports'. i guess i'm too damn skinny. i appreciate sports and stuff but i hate the porsonality of it gives off like on tv how it's so popular. i can't explain. no i do hate sports. well i dont hate them i just can't like them because i know i'll never play them so i don't want to put myself in a situation where someone will say "hey let's play" when i would look like an idiot because i don't look like someone who plays sports. i don't like screaming music either! so what. i prefer harmony i like muuusic not noise. beethoven and motzart is nice. i like a swedish rock band called kent because their music is soft and not screamy and it sounds nice. no i'm not a homosexual if that's what you believe this far into reading my post (not that i have anything against homosexual people, i don't at all). one of the worst things about me is my stiffness! i look so stiff and skinny like a skeleton. it's like i have to act to be normal when in public but i make it look worse. it's like... a self-fulfilling prophecy because i try so hard to walk normal (or any movement for that matter) that you can tell im trying too hard and it makes me act stiff and i always feel ashamed in public. it's like it starts as a thought, 'okay, now i have to do THIS to look normal' then it becomes an action of me trying that movement then another thought, 'what if i look like im trying too hard?' then another action of me looking like im trying too hard. i'm so damn shy. i can say yes, no, okay, thanks, your welcome (in some cases) and other one words replies. the only people i talk a lot around are my mom and little brother (who i hate sooo much) but my older siblings, my father (who is divorced since i was 3) my distant relatives and any stranger for that metter all i say is yes, no, okay, thanks, your welcome, ect. everyone nags about me getting a job!! it's not that i don't want one you idiots!! i would love to be a normal person with a normal job like a normal 18-year-old, but im not normal you see!! im too damn shy. but then i get to thinking: shyness is not a physical disability is it? it's all in the mind? for me, shyness is self-fulfilling prophecy, because i am adjusted to living in the shy world, i am expecting myself to be that way all the time. i also think i have minor case of OCD, and maybe in the back of my mind i feel that to not act shy in certain situations would be breaking my bubble. i believe i have minor OCD because i just know it. i can't explain. it's like, minor, but i know it...i just do these things automatically without thinking. ill keep adjusting my glasses, thake them off, adjust my shaggy hair so it's not annoying me, and all kinds of crazy shit, over and over, and over, and it always ends of the same way in the end. or like, when i sit down at a table, i automatically feel discomfort around me by various objectc on the table being in areas i don;t want them in, or even not aligned correctly. or right now even, i have tile floor, and theres two tiles under my feet, i never let my feet touch the grout in the middle automatically, i just automatically have my feet in the dead center of both tiles without thinking. sure, i can force myself to put my feet on the grout line, but without thinking i automatically readjust them inside the tiles, because it feels most comfortable there (comfortable in my mind that is). i have a lot more to type but you know what im done here im sitting here at my comp typing a long post about how miserable i am this isnt gonna help any. i need a gun. thatll help. wtf i feel kind of dizzy now for some reason. well there's a fuckin surprise. probably something else wrong with me along with all this other crap.
