What is the root cause behind your social anxiety??

[Rick86]

That seems to be the million dollar question for all of us. What is causing this anxiety to occur. From what I have learned it results from habitual thinking when faced with the anxiety provoking situation. These thoughts of habit are automatic, and overlearned, habits. A person with social anxiety may be thinking, "I can't look good in front of others", "They won't like me", "I will make a fool of myself", "He thinks I am weird", "I am acting nervous."
So the trick is just to replace those thoughts, with more positive, objective thoughts, that aren't anxiety provoking. With enough effort, these "good" thoughts become habits, and you are cured! Sound simple eh?

Remember. Thoughts cause emotions. Anxiety is an emotion. To elliminate anxiety, one must elliminate the thoughts that cause it.

I think that my low self-esteem, has caused me to have the thought/belief "I can't look at all dignified in front of others when I talk to them", "they won't like me". So I have been telling myself " My self-expression is valuable, despite what others think". I am not really sure if its helping yet. It can be very hard to pin point the exact thoughts that are causing the anxiety.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Rick,
I agree with a lot of your post. Especially the comment: 'sounds simple eh?' ...It is the million dollar question and it would be great to hit the jackpot!

...I once asked my psychiatrist if there was one root thought behind it or more than one. She gave me a vague answer. I think that the answer is possibly something like, it is mostly one thought behind it but that there are related ones that go with it. When she suggested something like this (her answer was pretty vague) I sighed, thinking, 'great, there's more than one demon to exercise here!' (note: don't take that last sentence literally! :wink: ) ...But I have been thinking more on this, and it has occured to me that....

I could come-up with that my social phobia comes from my hightened sensitivity and the tendency therefore for me (since a child) to both react strongly to external stimuli as well as 'internalise it' and focus very strongly in an inward sense. From this, you could add my tendency to go into great detail and over-annalyse, also my self-conciousness in thinking that all emotions are about me just because I am so easily overwhelmed emotionally, then you could add on my status issues regarding extroversion being superior or inferior to introversion, and last but not least, my fear of being criticised and received badly by others which if you are very sensitive and in-tune will make you hypervigilant about what is going on around you and how you could be treated.

In short, the above may seem a bit daunting in the number of 'wrong' attitudes but all these 'different' thoughts are actually interlinked; you can see how they are related and similar. ...So maybe then, it could be seen as one or two linked and similar root thoughts; that a person could use a bit of flexibilty in applying them to what is going on in a certain situation.

I wish I understood more. At the moment, this is the best I can come-up with.

I really liked your understanding that all emotions are CAUSED by thoughts. ...although I was confused then when you stated that 'my low self-esteem has caused me to have the thought/belief....' -I was thinking that it was a need to have others like you and so forth (as I wrote in the above post) that then makes you think and worry too much about others like you. Then thinking 'they won't like me', may actually be a way of defending oneself against disapproval. ...that's my best guess: tell me though if you disagree and see it differently.

Muffet

 

[dzerklis]

its my fate.. but i will change it :!: and thus change the course of the world :!: :lol:

 

[Jack-B]

Muffet

Lovin ya work.

Although many of use different terminology in defining anxiety, our emotions, mental states, even what the mind is itself. We can all agree that it is completely internal, something we can have complete control over.

In its original state, mind is pure, but defiled by negative states like anxiety, anger and so on which appear to our mind through the force of habit. We can use an analogy of dirty water: Currently what appears to our mind is dirty, a sewerage of polluted thought in our mind. This dirt however can be removed, slowly and gradually until we experience more and more mental peace. Our mind becomes cleaner, clearer and lucid.

Familiarity is key. Our thoughts weave an elaborate tapestry of mistaken appearances to our mind which is why anxiety is almost drug like, things look and feel different, so we need to train gradually in knowing this. Giving our self small goals to focus on, gaining confidence.

As an example: I am out tonight, big works night out. I have 2 goals as anxiety has been appearing in my mind:


Not to over analyze anything
Enjoy myself beyond the mistaken appearance of my mind that tells me I am frightened.

If I reject the anxiety that appears, laugh it off, it’s not really very real, its only an appearance to my mind, then it disappears as if like a blushing bride he he

Jack

 

[J_]

too much thinking

I don't really see how finding the root cause will really solve it now, rather the only thing that might solve it is accepting that ;

1) people aren't judging you, and if they are, who cares

2) stop over-analysing, too much thinking might drive you mad

3) Working out the cause isn't always gonna help, finding a solution to your problems will.

4) get out more, and accept that whatever you worry about happening, won't happen

5) Take in your environment, it helps with "living for the moment" rather than spending to much of your time focusing on the past or possible future

The reason I say that finding the root cause won't help, is cause if u look around the forum, some have similar life experiences, but a lot don't. I don't think there is a common factor, but we're all just "built" like this. Over sensetive over worriers, nothing wrong with worrying or being sensetive, it's just that sometimes we have to realise when to let go and take some risks.

 

[thequietone]

I just want to say that many of you are very courageous, dealing with abuse both mental and emotional...You are very brave!

I don't like to complain about my parents because...well, they could have been a lot worse. No one is perfect and if you are a sensitive child (like I was) no matter where you are you're going to get hurt by the world.
I was diagnosed with OCD and Gen. anxiety early on, about eight years old or so, which is when our brains do a major growth spurt. It's when kids stop believing in magic and santa claus and start understanding death, loss, disease, all the bad things in the world. This sudden understanding was overwhelming to me, devastating, and I developed these "supersitions" as I used to call them, to control the world around me.
So I was labeled and medicated early on, which I'm grateful for, but it also made me feel like a freak. My father would get angry and frightened by my behavior and my mother told me this was our secret and that other people don't have to know about it.
Their intentions weren't bad. But as children, we don't see the whole picture.
So I think the older I got, the more avoidant and shy I became. Deep down I believe that when people get to know "the real me" they won't like it. So I reject them before they can reject me.

I don't really see how finding the root cause will really solve it now

Dwelling on the past won't help. But knowing yourself inside and out makes it easier to untie the non realistic pathways you've carved out in your brain over time. It's always good to notice what you're doing to yourself and WHY so you can stop it.

 

[styrka]

too much thinking

1) people aren't judging you, and if they are, who cares

2) stop over-analysing, too much thinking might drive you mad

I agree with this!!!!!

 

[Ems]

My parents really care and love me, but kept me wrapped in cotton wool. I think that because I never knew life of having to compete for attention (as I was an only child) life was really scary to me. I never had any responsibilty of anything as I was not given any and I was a sensitive child, but when I got home from school my poor parents got it in the neck from me. Abusive parental upbringing is not just the cause of SA or SP but a sensitivity we have in ourselves. I always thought that I was different from other people as I cared more about people and things than they did. I was obviously not prepared for the abuse I got from peers even if it was only a joke. Now I have hardened to life and I am slowly learning not to be defensive or so sensitive. It was my extra sensitive side that suffered. Probably because I was an only child I did not have that brother/sister struggle for affection or arguments or social peer experience. I took it all to heart. I took it personally. Now I realise that if I relax in company I feel so much better. I always felt that I would be hurt by people but I was giving off a real defensive vibe. I have learned to toughen up and face my fears. Hiding at home does not do you any favours. Getting out in the real world and realising that you can cope with society makes you stronger in yourself. If you knew what I was like a few years ago you would be very surprised at my progression. There will be progression in your life. You' re always learning and as you get older you get more tough more wise and more relaxed about life. You have to get out there though, as tempting as it is to stay at home, the only way to get better is to face the world. Sorry to jabber, but I just want people that still suffer what I used to to know and that it can and will get better although it is hard to believe at the moment. I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH IN LIFE BY BEING EXPOSED TO HARSH SOCIAL ENVIRONMENTS AND IT TOUGHENS YOU UP. HONESTLY...IT WORKS...IT TAKES TIME THOUGH. PLEASE BELIEVE ME AND DONT GET DEFENSIVE AT MY COMMENTS AS SOME PEOPLE DO. I AM HERE TO HELP YOU AND FOR YOU TO SUPPORT ME. IT WOULD BE NICE FOR FEEDBACK.

 

[Chrysta]

I think it started by moving from a small elementary school that I had been at for 7 years to a much larger school. Then switching to a smaller school that I still hated. Losing my friends ( not in the nicest way either ) . Not fiting in. Just overall not being happy with school or my peers or people in general.

 

[Jack-B]

J

Thanks for your post. It gives me a chance to address the analyzing mind. In general, i agree with your advice.

What i find with speaking to people with anxiety or hearing about their problems that they encounter is that they over think things all the time. Most of the people who come here are very smart with great analytical ability to investigate things deeply, there's nothing wrong with this, its actually beneficial. The problem arises when we dont realise when to stop over thinking things. Time for reflection and so forth isnt say when we are out at a party.

Trouble is, our analytical minds will tell us we need to think about these things, so we enter social situations with some degree of doubt about our self and confusion with regards to what others think of us. If we enter situations where we understand this we can save our self a lot of hassle.

J:
" Working out the cause isn't always gonna help, finding a solution to your problems will."

Jack:

I understand what you are saying because there is a tendency to search and search and go crazy trying to find out what the cause really is. You cannot properly apply an antidote or solution if you do not properly identify the cause and that comes from the mind itself. When you see the relationship between mind and how anxiety arises in the mind, you will see how identifying the cause will solve the problem. The solution and problem arise from the same place, the mind. You are then in a position to apply the correct solution not just one you 'think' will work. Either way, whatever works for you then great.

Jack

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

too much thinking

I don't really see how finding the root cause will really solve it now, rather the only thing that might solve it is accepting that ;

1) people aren't judging you, and if they are, who cares

2) stop over-analysing, too much thinking might drive you mad

3) Working out the cause isn't always gonna help, finding a solution to your problems will.

4) get out more, and accept that whatever you worry about happening, won't happen

5) Take in your environment, it helps with "living for the moment" rather than spending to much of your time focusing on the past or possible future

The reason I say that finding the root cause won't help, is cause if u look around the forum, some have similar life experiences, but a lot don't. I don't think there is a common factor, but we're all just "built" like this. Over sensetive over worriers, nothing wrong with worrying or being sensetive, it's just that sometimes we have to realise when to let go and take some risks.

Hi J and everyone,

I've taken my time replying to your post because certain things that you said in it struck a chord with me and I wanted to give my self time to just let what you said sink in.

It's fairly apparent, even to me, that I am very analytical and I definetly see this as part of the cause of my anxiety. But more than that, it occurs to me that what I was doing in my above posts was trying to establish how several different wrong attitudes/little problems that I experience are all simply different versions of each other. ...In this way, I was trying to get to the 'root cause' however I may not have really emotionally, and therefore in my mind, accepted it.

...there is a saying in Leo Tolstoy's book that goes:- "A simple man makes things complicated, but a complicated man makes things simple". ...Not being an expert on the mind, my thoughts are however, that 'getting the message' of why one has a problem (in this case, anxiety) means that all the little details of one's difficulties are understood and (your word-) accepted in a person's mind. I am thinking that this means that it's easier to see and accept (that's a good word, I believe) what the fundamental cause of anxiety is. (I was in my own labored, beating-around-the-bush kind of way, actually trying to do this; and it must be said that some degree of analysing may be a good tool to help a person simplify what is happening. Although, it is only good to go round in circles if it helps you to see that this is in fact what you are doing...or, as Jack put it: the problem and solution are found in the same place)

Much like this, I was going over how in several different ways I am sensitized to likewise little things (around me) and in a sense this makes me very self-centred and focussed largely on how I feel and think. Yet, here is the irony, and the simple sophistication of what you want to convey: to examine my feelings and thoughts in order to establish that my problem is that i am self-centred regarding my feelings and thoughts, is really a bit of a contradiction. ...and a sort of joke on my self in a way :lol:

Then another quote comes to mind, Jesus said: "Some people get the message as soon as they hear it, but it does not sink in deep enough. So when the time of testing comes, because of the message, they fall away. ...Other people are like seeds that fall in good soil. They hear the message and receive it gladly. It sinks in deep and they retain it in a good and obedient heart and they persist until they bear fruit."

There is also the saying that 'God is hidden by God's light'. ...and to me this means that it can be very hard to step outside your own mind and thoughts and feelings to actually clearly establish and accept (good word) something within one's nature that is so innate and strong that because it is so central within one's nature is therefore hard to be aware of.

And anxiety (like many problems) is a vicious circle. A person is already very inward focussed, sensitive and also (in this sense) self-centred; so they're already stuck within a pattern of reacting strongly to others, to focussing on what they are doing (perhaps to self-criticism, and also analysis of themself) , then when they get anything from a slightly bad to really bad reaction from those around them they only go back to thinking even more about themself, even if this is 'what am I doing wrong'. ...And if I know one thing, it is that a person should never make the mistake of understimating how much they are stuck within behaviour/thinking that because they are so 'stuck' within this they are not fully aware that they are.

...So yeah, Tolstoy said that "A simple man makes things complicated but a complicated man makes things simple". Just like a person who has simplified and understood a problem has made something complicated now simplified. God is said to be the mind, and God is the Alpha and Omega; so I think to call God 'perspective' is correct. And there is an irony in that when a person is truly sure of who they are, like the 'weakness' of inward-focus, emotional self-absortption and analysis, admitting to this innate fault by saying "I just can't change it no matter what I do" is actually when a person can start to change it.

...That part may seem really odd; but, until a person accepts something so much a part of themself that it is likewise near impossible- if not impossible- to change, they can't really see what they do 'wrong' properly enough to actually stop doing it and act/think more by way of the opposite to this.

...In any case, you don't have to get all that. I just wanted to say that I appreciate your stepping-in to say something of importance; and that also I think that truly changing one's mind about anything is often quite hard.

I can even add on thoughts and feelings that I've experienced over the last few days that are about my feeling dissilusioned at having still not really 'gotten the message'. But I'd best not add more information than is needed at this stage, right?! 8)