ABunkerHere
Active member
Hey everybody, I've found a place that I hope can help me out a bit here. 
I guess I should give some background information, then explain the problem. Sorry for the huge amount of info, but I want to make sure it's all covered. This is so important to me.
I am a 19 year old, currently a freshman in college. My dad died in a car accident 7 months before I was born. I was raised by my mother alone. I've got a brother who is 7 years older. I am not the typical 19 year old male. Ever since I hit 14 or so, I've been very mature. In 2000 when I was 13, I cared more about the presidential election and the debates than I did about the high school football games. Not only that, but I was a supporter of Bush! (Not so any more) I've always been a conservative thinker. I believe people should be responsible for their own actions, and for that reason, I've always done my best to be good. I know that nobody can be perfect; but I still try my hardest to be as close as possible. I've never given my mother any trouble. I've got a perfect driving record, I was a good student in high school, finishing with a 3.8 GPA, I've never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, and I never drink excessively.
Why? I have my reasons. Why am I cautious when I drive? Why do I always wear my seatbelt, and require whoever is in my car to wear theirs as well? I know what a car can do. My dad was killed in an accident, and my life is vastly different because of it. I never knew the guy. Why do I not smoke, not as a minor or even now? As a minor, because it was illegal, as an adult, because it's unhealthy and it's expensive... DUH... It's common sense, right? Why do I not do drugs? Because they are illegal... again, duh. I am a goody-goody. I was raised to right, not wrong, I was raised to fear trouble, and I was raised to be responsible for myself.
I like being right. My philosophy is this: I will believe and defend my views. I will always debate with people as long as I have “my leg to stand on.” The second that I can not defend my views or myself, I realize change needs to be made. I never experimented with drugs, or cigarettes, or anything else, because I was given my warnings. If I had done those things and gotten caught... How do I defend myself? When my Mother asks me “What the hell were you thinking?” What do I answer? That's right, I can't. I've got no leg to stand on, because I KNEW it was wrong.
Now that you know my mentality, I can explain the situation that is SERIOUSLY harming me. I need help so bad, but I don't know where or how to start. Just a bit more background info for this... It involves a girl... Let's call her “K.” Her mother and father actually went to high school with my mother and were/are still good friends. We have in theory “known”each other since we were both really young. (She is about 5 months younger than me.) They live/d about 40 miles away from us, so we didn't see each other that often. The first time I really took notice of her... is where the problems began. My brother got married in June of 2002 and I was in the Grooms party. My mom invited “K's” Mother, Father, and sister to the wedding reception, along with “K” of course. I probably hadn't seen her in a few years, and my Mom told me to go around and say “hi” to everyone. So, I did so... and I was in for the surprise of my life. There was the family, which of course I was familiar with as a whole... but there was “K”... Beautiful brown/red hair, a smile that could stop my heart. I couldn't believe it was her. The “seed” of this problem plant was started right then. Back to this in a second.
I explained that I am a goody-goody type; I am not social outside of school. When in my first high school, (9th and 1st half of 10th grade) I was with the people I had grown up with. (I lived in that area for 12 years.) I was known by people IN class. I actually have a sense of humor that a lot of people enjoy. I was the “class clown who DID know when to quit.” I always was able to feel comfortable in that school district because I had known everyone so long. It was an upscale area, and very comforting. In April of 2003, 4 days after my 16th birthday, we moved from our house of 12 years to a new house... in the same city that K's family lived in. And this is where things start going crazy.
It's an inner city school system. CULTURE SHOCK! My first day was SO scary for me. I kept quite, avoided people, tried to close my eyes and pretend it was a dream. I didn't want to move in the first place, but it was even worse that I had to go to such a horribly notorious school. (2nd worst school in the state academically). I was lost at lunch time. I went into the cafeteria where about 250 students were, and I sat at the only vacant table I could find. I closed my eyes, and just counted the seconds until the period would end. I felt like everyone was looking at me; I felt AWFUL. Then, a beautiful young girl whom I haven't seen in 10 months comes out of the crowd, TOWARDS me, up to the table and sits down. It's K, and my heart instantly starts pounding, my mouth drying, my arms shaking. She asked how I was, how my day was going, you know, typical stuff. Then... the moment I've regretted for 3.5 years now... “Do you wanna hang out this weekend?” she asked me. Folks... I've had no experience... WHATSOEVER. Even now, I still don't. Had a GF? Nope. Been on a date? No. Kiss? No. Hug? No. I guess I wouldn't need to tell you I'm a virgin. So, I told her I can't because I have boxes to unpack. Now, that was true... I still had two boxes to unpack. The funny thing is, it was Wednesday, and the weekend starts Friday night... So I am pretty sure I had enough time. The fact is, I wanted to say yes, but was way to shy and nervous to say it. Perhaps having a father through that tough time of puberty would have helped? Instead, I learned everything off the Internet, and had nobody to talk to.
Anyway, no big deal, right? WRONG! We didn't really talk the rest of that school year again. Sure, had I went up to her and talked to her, we would have. But I played the stupid shy game and ruined it. But... The lord blessed me with another chance. In October, new school year, but still 2003; I receive a phone call. It's her, and she asks me if I'd like to take her to HOMECOMING! Answer??? Hell yeah. What did I say? No; except this time I didn't even have a semi-legit reason. Instead I said, “Please don't take this as me turning you down.” and she said, “You're turning me down?” in a joking way... I did it again. I let shyness ruin me. SHE WANTED ME! I had no fear of rejection. It was simple, “Yes”. I regret this crap so much because simply changing “No” to “Yes” in either or both of these cases could/would have drastically changed my life, I swear.
How would it? Because I am not the typical guy. I am a 19 year old healthy heterosexual male... Sex has most certainly crossed my mind. The key is, I have self control, and also good priorities. I'd rather be with someone I love, just talking, than having sex with the hottest woman in the world, who I care nothing about. I want affection, I want to love, and be loved... That's where the predicament lies now...
Fast forward to now... K and I have crossed paths since. After all, our parents are friends, and hell, we were/are still friends, just, she thought I didn't like her other than “knowing” her. The fact is... I am in love with her; and I have been for so long. She is such an amazing person. Her personality is incredible, she's generous, she's kind (she didn't have to be nice to me), she's athletic, she speaks her mind. And the icing on the cake happens to be that she is the most beautiful girl I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Her smile makes me feel good. Simply TALKING to her, makes my heart pound. Seeing her face... I am in LOVE. BUT, there is a problem. Through my stupid inactivity, my keeping this within my mind, my secrecy, she moved on. In fact, she never considered those two moments a big deal. I essentially rejected her, and she didn't let it bother her. Me on the other hand... They are two decisions I regret most in life, they are two things that have haunted me for 3 years... I think about them, and her EVERYDAY! Many days, especially nowadays, for hours and hours. She is always on my mind.
In June of this year, I finally got the balls to contact her. Of course, she lived less than a mile away, I could have called or went over there... but I am too damn chicken. So I found her on myspace, and kinda did a mini-confession. Basically, I told her I was sorry that I “rejected” her, and if I made her feel bad. I also thanked her for helping me through that difficult transition. She said it was no problem, and invited me to her open house that was going to be on July 1st.
This is how anxious I get with this stuff... When July 1st finally came around, it took me 45 MINUTES to get out of my car and walk to her house. I literally got out, and walked around the neighborhood talking to myself because I was so nervous. I finally stepped up to the plate and rang her doorbell... Mind you, I haven't seen her in about a year... She greets me at the door, and I am in shock. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen managed to get more beautiful. Again, my mouth starts to get dry, my arms and legs tingly, and my heart pounding. I handed her the envelope with her gift check I was giving her, and said, “I gotta run, family is eating out tonight. I'll try and make it back later though.” She said, “Okay, I can't wait for you to get back.”
I left and was shaking like crazy. I got in my car, headed home, and played my piano for 2 hours because I was so damn anxious. I couldn't believe the girl, nor could I believe what I had done. So I “had dinner with the family”, aka played my piano, then went back. I was there till 2AM talking... And I had an incredible time. I felt anxious the whole time, nervous, uncomfortable... But she is something else. Talking to her is FUN for me. It's so enjoyable. One thing she mentioned was where she was going to school, and how they had a program there that I would probably be interested in. (I love music) So, I looked into.
Skip ahead to NOW. October 3rd, 2006. I am going to school, the same school as her. The reason I am going here... Her. I want to make up for my past. I think about her and those days 3 years ago all the time. Every time I go to sleep, every time I awaken, she's on my mind. I pray for her health, her safe travels (Our school is about 5 hours away from our town, and she's go back home fairly often). She means the world to me, and I'd give my life for her without regret. The problem is; it's unrequited, or at least so far. She has a boyfriend, they've been together for 10 months. They started dating in High school, and I was already out of school at that time. (I am one grade ahead, but I took a year off after high school, again because of her. I couldn't leave). The problem is, this stuff has taken over my life, for years now. It's the ONLY thing on my mind. HER. Questions, “Why didn't you say yes”, “Why don't you just get over it.” I based my life over the past 3 years on her. I am at this school, sitting in my dorm right now, because she is here. I like this school and all, but if she were not here, I wouldn't be. She doesn't know, THESE details, and I want to tell her. Last Wednesday I got the courage to ask her if she'd like to have dinner with me at a restaurant. I said it could be a birthday present, as her birthday was the week before. She said she'd think about it because she wouldn't want to “upset the Mr.” She called me the next day and said yes, and I we did it. Folks, as pathetic as it is, that was my first “date.” It wasn't really a date, as it was completely innocent, no romance type stuff. I was hoping to take a nice walk with her afterwards and basically tell her ALL of this stuff. Sadly, it was raining and about 45 degrees, so no chance of that. Then, yesterday I asked if she'd want to talk after she ate dinner, and she said sure. But sadly she became a little under the weather. So now I am aiming for tomorrow, Wednesday.
Folks... What is wrong with me? I am a good person, I do my best to treat others well. I am a good Samaritan, I do things I don't HAVE to do. I am not a selfish person, but here I am essentially hoping to jam myself into her life, HOPING she may still have feelings for me. I am totally ignoring the fact she and her boyfriend are happy. So now I argue with myself about what's right and what's wrong. The problem is that I can't just “let go” or “get over” her. This isn't infatuation, this isn't about looks, it's not a “crush”. It's love. I LOVE her. I'd do any and everything for her, and I'd consider it an honor to have the duty of putting a smile on her face... Which oddly enough I do a lot. She finds my humor amusing. That smile then makes me feel incredible. I love her. But do I do something selfish and inject a bunch of MY emotion into something that doesn't involve me? If not, what do I do? How do I get over her. I know plenty of girls. I knew plenty in high school, I know plenty in college. They are either just “friends”, or they're the type I find “hot” I don't truly care about, and my good self control handles things.
I don't know what to do. I wake to, I live through, and I fall asleep to, thoughts of her. Thoughts of just talking to her. I want to be with her ALL of the time. I want to see her face, I want to make her smile. I want to laugh with her. It's so strong, I can't explain it. I've never cared about anybody this much. I've got family who I care about; but not in the same way. It's love, it has to be, right?
Sorry for so many words. 2746 words is a lot, and I appreciate anybody taking the time to read it and help me. I am so lost and I just need guidance. Thank you so much! God Bless all of you!
I guess I should give some background information, then explain the problem. Sorry for the huge amount of info, but I want to make sure it's all covered. This is so important to me.
I am a 19 year old, currently a freshman in college. My dad died in a car accident 7 months before I was born. I was raised by my mother alone. I've got a brother who is 7 years older. I am not the typical 19 year old male. Ever since I hit 14 or so, I've been very mature. In 2000 when I was 13, I cared more about the presidential election and the debates than I did about the high school football games. Not only that, but I was a supporter of Bush! (Not so any more) I've always been a conservative thinker. I believe people should be responsible for their own actions, and for that reason, I've always done my best to be good. I know that nobody can be perfect; but I still try my hardest to be as close as possible. I've never given my mother any trouble. I've got a perfect driving record, I was a good student in high school, finishing with a 3.8 GPA, I've never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, and I never drink excessively.
Why? I have my reasons. Why am I cautious when I drive? Why do I always wear my seatbelt, and require whoever is in my car to wear theirs as well? I know what a car can do. My dad was killed in an accident, and my life is vastly different because of it. I never knew the guy. Why do I not smoke, not as a minor or even now? As a minor, because it was illegal, as an adult, because it's unhealthy and it's expensive... DUH... It's common sense, right? Why do I not do drugs? Because they are illegal... again, duh. I am a goody-goody. I was raised to right, not wrong, I was raised to fear trouble, and I was raised to be responsible for myself.
I like being right. My philosophy is this: I will believe and defend my views. I will always debate with people as long as I have “my leg to stand on.” The second that I can not defend my views or myself, I realize change needs to be made. I never experimented with drugs, or cigarettes, or anything else, because I was given my warnings. If I had done those things and gotten caught... How do I defend myself? When my Mother asks me “What the hell were you thinking?” What do I answer? That's right, I can't. I've got no leg to stand on, because I KNEW it was wrong.
Now that you know my mentality, I can explain the situation that is SERIOUSLY harming me. I need help so bad, but I don't know where or how to start. Just a bit more background info for this... It involves a girl... Let's call her “K.” Her mother and father actually went to high school with my mother and were/are still good friends. We have in theory “known”each other since we were both really young. (She is about 5 months younger than me.) They live/d about 40 miles away from us, so we didn't see each other that often. The first time I really took notice of her... is where the problems began. My brother got married in June of 2002 and I was in the Grooms party. My mom invited “K's” Mother, Father, and sister to the wedding reception, along with “K” of course. I probably hadn't seen her in a few years, and my Mom told me to go around and say “hi” to everyone. So, I did so... and I was in for the surprise of my life. There was the family, which of course I was familiar with as a whole... but there was “K”... Beautiful brown/red hair, a smile that could stop my heart. I couldn't believe it was her. The “seed” of this problem plant was started right then. Back to this in a second.
I explained that I am a goody-goody type; I am not social outside of school. When in my first high school, (9th and 1st half of 10th grade) I was with the people I had grown up with. (I lived in that area for 12 years.) I was known by people IN class. I actually have a sense of humor that a lot of people enjoy. I was the “class clown who DID know when to quit.” I always was able to feel comfortable in that school district because I had known everyone so long. It was an upscale area, and very comforting. In April of 2003, 4 days after my 16th birthday, we moved from our house of 12 years to a new house... in the same city that K's family lived in. And this is where things start going crazy.
It's an inner city school system. CULTURE SHOCK! My first day was SO scary for me. I kept quite, avoided people, tried to close my eyes and pretend it was a dream. I didn't want to move in the first place, but it was even worse that I had to go to such a horribly notorious school. (2nd worst school in the state academically). I was lost at lunch time. I went into the cafeteria where about 250 students were, and I sat at the only vacant table I could find. I closed my eyes, and just counted the seconds until the period would end. I felt like everyone was looking at me; I felt AWFUL. Then, a beautiful young girl whom I haven't seen in 10 months comes out of the crowd, TOWARDS me, up to the table and sits down. It's K, and my heart instantly starts pounding, my mouth drying, my arms shaking. She asked how I was, how my day was going, you know, typical stuff. Then... the moment I've regretted for 3.5 years now... “Do you wanna hang out this weekend?” she asked me. Folks... I've had no experience... WHATSOEVER. Even now, I still don't. Had a GF? Nope. Been on a date? No. Kiss? No. Hug? No. I guess I wouldn't need to tell you I'm a virgin. So, I told her I can't because I have boxes to unpack. Now, that was true... I still had two boxes to unpack. The funny thing is, it was Wednesday, and the weekend starts Friday night... So I am pretty sure I had enough time. The fact is, I wanted to say yes, but was way to shy and nervous to say it. Perhaps having a father through that tough time of puberty would have helped? Instead, I learned everything off the Internet, and had nobody to talk to.
Anyway, no big deal, right? WRONG! We didn't really talk the rest of that school year again. Sure, had I went up to her and talked to her, we would have. But I played the stupid shy game and ruined it. But... The lord blessed me with another chance. In October, new school year, but still 2003; I receive a phone call. It's her, and she asks me if I'd like to take her to HOMECOMING! Answer??? Hell yeah. What did I say? No; except this time I didn't even have a semi-legit reason. Instead I said, “Please don't take this as me turning you down.” and she said, “You're turning me down?” in a joking way... I did it again. I let shyness ruin me. SHE WANTED ME! I had no fear of rejection. It was simple, “Yes”. I regret this crap so much because simply changing “No” to “Yes” in either or both of these cases could/would have drastically changed my life, I swear.
How would it? Because I am not the typical guy. I am a 19 year old healthy heterosexual male... Sex has most certainly crossed my mind. The key is, I have self control, and also good priorities. I'd rather be with someone I love, just talking, than having sex with the hottest woman in the world, who I care nothing about. I want affection, I want to love, and be loved... That's where the predicament lies now...
Fast forward to now... K and I have crossed paths since. After all, our parents are friends, and hell, we were/are still friends, just, she thought I didn't like her other than “knowing” her. The fact is... I am in love with her; and I have been for so long. She is such an amazing person. Her personality is incredible, she's generous, she's kind (she didn't have to be nice to me), she's athletic, she speaks her mind. And the icing on the cake happens to be that she is the most beautiful girl I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Her smile makes me feel good. Simply TALKING to her, makes my heart pound. Seeing her face... I am in LOVE. BUT, there is a problem. Through my stupid inactivity, my keeping this within my mind, my secrecy, she moved on. In fact, she never considered those two moments a big deal. I essentially rejected her, and she didn't let it bother her. Me on the other hand... They are two decisions I regret most in life, they are two things that have haunted me for 3 years... I think about them, and her EVERYDAY! Many days, especially nowadays, for hours and hours. She is always on my mind.
In June of this year, I finally got the balls to contact her. Of course, she lived less than a mile away, I could have called or went over there... but I am too damn chicken. So I found her on myspace, and kinda did a mini-confession. Basically, I told her I was sorry that I “rejected” her, and if I made her feel bad. I also thanked her for helping me through that difficult transition. She said it was no problem, and invited me to her open house that was going to be on July 1st.
This is how anxious I get with this stuff... When July 1st finally came around, it took me 45 MINUTES to get out of my car and walk to her house. I literally got out, and walked around the neighborhood talking to myself because I was so nervous. I finally stepped up to the plate and rang her doorbell... Mind you, I haven't seen her in about a year... She greets me at the door, and I am in shock. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen managed to get more beautiful. Again, my mouth starts to get dry, my arms and legs tingly, and my heart pounding. I handed her the envelope with her gift check I was giving her, and said, “I gotta run, family is eating out tonight. I'll try and make it back later though.” She said, “Okay, I can't wait for you to get back.”
I left and was shaking like crazy. I got in my car, headed home, and played my piano for 2 hours because I was so damn anxious. I couldn't believe the girl, nor could I believe what I had done. So I “had dinner with the family”, aka played my piano, then went back. I was there till 2AM talking... And I had an incredible time. I felt anxious the whole time, nervous, uncomfortable... But she is something else. Talking to her is FUN for me. It's so enjoyable. One thing she mentioned was where she was going to school, and how they had a program there that I would probably be interested in. (I love music) So, I looked into.
Skip ahead to NOW. October 3rd, 2006. I am going to school, the same school as her. The reason I am going here... Her. I want to make up for my past. I think about her and those days 3 years ago all the time. Every time I go to sleep, every time I awaken, she's on my mind. I pray for her health, her safe travels (Our school is about 5 hours away from our town, and she's go back home fairly often). She means the world to me, and I'd give my life for her without regret. The problem is; it's unrequited, or at least so far. She has a boyfriend, they've been together for 10 months. They started dating in High school, and I was already out of school at that time. (I am one grade ahead, but I took a year off after high school, again because of her. I couldn't leave). The problem is, this stuff has taken over my life, for years now. It's the ONLY thing on my mind. HER. Questions, “Why didn't you say yes”, “Why don't you just get over it.” I based my life over the past 3 years on her. I am at this school, sitting in my dorm right now, because she is here. I like this school and all, but if she were not here, I wouldn't be. She doesn't know, THESE details, and I want to tell her. Last Wednesday I got the courage to ask her if she'd like to have dinner with me at a restaurant. I said it could be a birthday present, as her birthday was the week before. She said she'd think about it because she wouldn't want to “upset the Mr.” She called me the next day and said yes, and I we did it. Folks, as pathetic as it is, that was my first “date.” It wasn't really a date, as it was completely innocent, no romance type stuff. I was hoping to take a nice walk with her afterwards and basically tell her ALL of this stuff. Sadly, it was raining and about 45 degrees, so no chance of that. Then, yesterday I asked if she'd want to talk after she ate dinner, and she said sure. But sadly she became a little under the weather. So now I am aiming for tomorrow, Wednesday.
Folks... What is wrong with me? I am a good person, I do my best to treat others well. I am a good Samaritan, I do things I don't HAVE to do. I am not a selfish person, but here I am essentially hoping to jam myself into her life, HOPING she may still have feelings for me. I am totally ignoring the fact she and her boyfriend are happy. So now I argue with myself about what's right and what's wrong. The problem is that I can't just “let go” or “get over” her. This isn't infatuation, this isn't about looks, it's not a “crush”. It's love. I LOVE her. I'd do any and everything for her, and I'd consider it an honor to have the duty of putting a smile on her face... Which oddly enough I do a lot. She finds my humor amusing. That smile then makes me feel incredible. I love her. But do I do something selfish and inject a bunch of MY emotion into something that doesn't involve me? If not, what do I do? How do I get over her. I know plenty of girls. I knew plenty in high school, I know plenty in college. They are either just “friends”, or they're the type I find “hot” I don't truly care about, and my good self control handles things.
I don't know what to do. I wake to, I live through, and I fall asleep to, thoughts of her. Thoughts of just talking to her. I want to be with her ALL of the time. I want to see her face, I want to make her smile. I want to laugh with her. It's so strong, I can't explain it. I've never cared about anybody this much. I've got family who I care about; but not in the same way. It's love, it has to be, right?
Sorry for so many words. 2746 words is a lot, and I appreciate anybody taking the time to read it and help me. I am so lost and I just need guidance. Thank you so much! God Bless all of you!
