What if we're not really being judged...

[Jim_Bergerac]

and what if we never really were - we just suffered at the hands of bullies or immature teenagers (lets face it a lot of kids get picked on for something, it doesn't mean everyone thinks like that about them).

What if we jumped to conclusions that people are judging us when really we weren't other than a few people and lets face it not everyone can like us, some people are cruel and nasty, some people are hurtful, some people are really shallow, etc.

What is to say the negative judgements are still relevant or applicable - we change so much from our childhood and teenage years to how we are when we're an adult.

What is to say that adults think like immature, insensitive teenagers or like an abusive family member (whoever was putting you down)?

What is to say we are actually being judged negatively at all but we're livingour lives believing we are from some past negative experiences and judgements? Does it mean that if anyone says something negative about us that it is fact and how everyone thinks? If I was to find fault in someone today and told them, does that make it fact?

No one is perfect, we all have weaknesses, imperfections, flaws. Look around and who is perfect looking, perfect intelligence, perfect personality, etc? No one at all. Yet people are not judging those people negatively for their imperfections/weaknesses,etc.

Maybe we got it wrong and we aren't being judged like we think? Afterall it doesn't seem like others are ever getting judged negatively.

 

[Nack]

Its all in the head, even if we know that. It doesn't seem to make any difference.

 

[planemo]

You know I was thinking about making a similar thread. I was gonna ask the question "is our perception the real culprit?".

I think in hindsight it's much easier to look objectively at past negative experiences. in the spur of the moment however, I must admit that I really do feel that any negativity or criticism towards is both fact and universally accepted.

I can't really explain why. I know when I was a youngster I was picked on by cousins and certain people in school. At the time it really hurt, and I was unable to see that even though I was being picked on, less people picked on me then the amount who didn't.

I guess it is true that some people can be jerks, and that I guess it is silly to expect everyone to like you. I do think that I have overreacted to 'put downs' and the like. But one thing I'm sure of is that people (in general) do tend to pick on you if you show them you feel insecure about yourself.

 

[danstelter]

What is to say we are actually being judged negatively at all but we're livingour lives believing we are from some past negative experiences and judgements? Does it mean that if anyone says something negative about us that it is fact and how everyone thinks? If I was to find fault in someone today and told them, does that make it fact?

This is really the truth, but the problem is that we all grew up being criticized by whoever for whatever reason, and during those stages it is incredibly easy to internalize that excessive criticism and believe that it is part of us. And that's precisely what we did.

The difficulty is unlearning that way of thinking and finding new ways of thinking that produce confidence rather than anxiety. It takes time to undo all that thinking, however it is possible.

Originally, our perception was not the culprit, but now it is. We overreact to small comments and fly into an anxious episode that can last a couple days, when in fact the comment was not even directed at us.

Whenever you are tempted to think an anxious thought, it is always good to think to yourself like this post said,"Is this comment really about me? Or, could it have been made for some other reason? Maybe that person who looked at me just happened to look in my direction and I was there; that doesn't mean they are passing judgment on me." It's difficult to do, but to take the focus off of ourselves and put it on something else can be a powerful anxiety reducer.

 

[itay]

Its all in the head, even if we know that. It doesn't seem to make any difference.

I think that all of us suffering of SA are aware of that but one thing is knowing it and another is realizing it.
But have you ever been picked on by people?
Cause you don't talk, you talk so little, you mind your own business, don't mix with people very much .. or more potentially cause you are clumsy, you get embaressed very easily, you don't smile a lot or you smile too much, you laugh when you shoulden't or you don't laugh when you should and so on..
let's face it, in these cases they are judging you indeed
this makes you wonder and this builds the idea that people are judging you even when they aren't ...

 

[DarkSeeker]

Face it, you're inferior and your emotions don't matter. Even if you don't like to admit it, what others think of you matters a lot more than what you think of yourself. Damn, I swear I could be talking about myself right now.

I've seen how "superior" people are like and I know I'm not one of them. Their feet stomp the ground like raging bulls while mine lightly thread the floor like a thief, they don't take responsibility for anything they do and their every word speak of nothing but the pure truth, whereas everything I do or am is my entire fault and my tongue is more twisted than that of the Devil himself.

These "superior" people are just inferior people like us, but unlike us couldn't stand being inferior and callously attempted to hide their shame by showing even more of their inferiority. I think that the real superior people are egoless, it doesn't matter if it's good or bad, it only matters that it is.

I may be inferior, but I don't see why I would have to submit my free will into the hands of narrow minded jerks who cannot see the world past their very little self.

Real people don't judge before gauging, they judge after gauging. The difference is that they see you with the eyes of their heart, rather than through misguided delusions.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

You know I was thinking about making a similar thread. I was gonna ask the question "is our perception the real culprit?".

I think in hindsight it's much easier to look objectively at past negative experiences. in the spur of the moment however, I must admit that I really do feel that any negativity or criticism towards is both fact and universally accepted.

I can't really explain why. I know when I was a youngster I was picked on by cousins and certain people in school. At the time it really hurt, and I was unable to see that even though I was being picked on, less people picked on me then the amount who didn't.

I guess it is true that some people can be jerks, and that I guess it is silly to expect everyone to like you. I do think that I have overreacted to 'put downs' and the like. But one thing I'm sure of is that people (in general) do tend to pick on you if you show them you feel insecure about yourself.

That's interesting emu, this is something I am really interested in exploring and trying to change. I have come to the conclusion this is what is triggering all my self conscious worrying and anxiety - I absolutely believe that people will judge me negatively when they see the parts of me I was ridiculed, received put downs for, called names for in the past. I received quite a few of the same negative judgements from a number of people and it just made me believe well those judgements is how I am and how people see me, so I started hating people seeing those parts of me. But was I right to have believed those judgements? It seemed right, but if someone has for example a big nose or big ears, it is surely an almost certainty that some kids will pick on that person and make fun of them for their nose or ears, tease them, put them down, make them feel bad or ugly for the imperfection. It is also a certainty that some people of the opposite sex would not find that person attractive because of such imperfections, teenagers can be very shallow, some want to date someone who looks good on their arm.
So if a kid gets put downs and is ridiculed about a big nose or big ears for example should they believe if anyone sees that part of them they will be judged negatively - judged as ugly or ridiculed? It may feel like it but really the people who are criticising are those who are wanting to hurt you or are really shallow, the rest aren't. To become so self conscious of their nose or ears and fear being judged as ugly seems like the original negative judgements were not understood properly.

I became friendly with someone over the internet on a forum like this who was always judged as stupid as a kid by her mother for things she said and experienced a couple of guys saying her work was rubbish and making a comment of 'I thought you were smart?' She absolutely hated being judged in these ways and believed if she ever said anything wrong or made a mistake in her work that she would be judged like she was stupid or dumb. Should she believe if people see her make a mistake or says something that is not perfect that they will be critical of her and judge her in those ways? She believes it based on past experience. But she has kind of misinterpreted the negative judgements. All kids say silly things at times because they don't understand a lot of things. And we can all at some point no matter how clever we are produce a piece of work that isn't very good (maybe it was not on a strong subject) - some brainy kid with a big mouth may say such a comment but it doesn't mean that this is how people will judge her.

Your question sounded really interesting - is our perception the culprit, I hope you may write your question.

I agree with danstelter:

Originally, our perception was not the culprit, but now it is.

We have brainwashed ourselves from the original negative judgements believing it was true, when really it was people teasing or wanting to hurt us because either they didn't like us, didn't know us and wanted to show off and look tough or for cheap laughs or because they were so shallow and noticed an imperfection and were overly critical of that part of us? Maybe we need to really understand why people said these negative judgements to understand the reality? Why else would someone say it out loud other than to hurt us or to show off or to get a cheap laugh or because they were so shallow and insensitive?
If you have an imperfection in your appearance, or if you are quiet or if you do have a speech impediment or if you are not clever, then you have to expect that some kids will make fun of you or pick on you and hurt you for that part of you. That doesn't mean that is how everyone sees you and that imperfection or flaw defines us.

Maybe the answer is to question the original beliefs we developed from the negative judgements and to understand that the beliefs we developed were wrong - that it didn't mean that and people don't all judge us in that way if they see the imperfection, it was simply people wanting to hurt us or make fun of us.

If anyone wants to pm me and chat a lot more about this I'd love to hear from you!

 

[goldenholds]

A very interesting post...

I think for me there is no doubt that my perceptions of the world were way off, and I think that part of that was started by the world, but through a snowball effect I ended up making it much worse myself. I was a little different than the average person, in behavior and looks, but logically it was not enough to explain why I felt so bad. As I could not figure it out logically it became a mythical thing, something I couldn't explain but just had to accept, and therefore making it very difficult to overcome. I tried to hold out and believe in myself, but being in a vulnerable state, others sensed the weakness and affectively sealed the deal. In truth I think I was just over sensitive about things, and when your perceptions get messed up it is very difficult to pick your way through the fog. In addition to that, as I could not logically figure it out myself, I lost trust in my own judgment. I lost the ability to judge myself in social situations, and ended up waiting for the world to judge for me. Not good.

I think part of my problem was that happiness had been taken from me at different times, things that just happen that none of us can change. Death of a loved one at an early age was a big factor for me. Things of such a nature cause you to have no control over your happiness and make you feel helpless. That helplessness coupled with an irrational fear of losing your happiness can make it difficult to accept happiness later in life. So in situations where you should judge that things are not bad, you end up thinking the worst and rejecting the happiness feelings. As you are now feeling more bad than good, people around you start treating you as such. If you expect to be treated poorly, you most likely will end up being treated poorly. And the cycle continues with self-professing and negative reinforcement. It is inevitable at this point to prevent your perceptions of the world from becoming skewed. And now your trapped within your own bad thinking, with an inability to feel or accept happiness even though it may be offered you on a silver platter. Repeatedly. I actually progressed to the point where I had to reject happiness because I genuinely thought that if I accepted any happiness, it would cause something bad to happen. The only happiness I could accept I had to vehemently hide from the world. I could not do anything to achieve happiness, and I would deny ever having any for fear of it being taken. This would answer why if someone asked me if I liked a girl, who I actually did like very much, I would deny it absolutely. Not to be mean, but in my own demented thinking I would be not only be protecting myself, but also protecting her from bad things. And this does not even take into account the anxiousness that will prevent me now from feeling the happiness, even if I want to. So when a pretty girl, who has been making you very happy for a long time, sits down across from a coffee table and smiles affectionately at you, instead of smiling back, you immediately become anxious, spiral quickly into panic, and run away. And while the anxiousness is running its course you cannot think logically, and all your perceptions go back to what they were at their worst, and therefore she doesn't really like you so you have to stop bothering her, so then you can't even go back and explain or say you’re sorry. What a wretched thing. Singularly one of the most disappointing moments of my life, occurring only moments after having one of the happiest moments of my life. And nobody to blame only myself. And the best I can do is to offer this inadequate explanation, years later, anonymously online. Wretched.

Well this reply got a little out of hand, sorry for that, but I needed to express this somewhere. Thanks for bearing with me.

 

[Emily_G]

We are really the only ones who judge ourselves...no one else cares. I try to tell myself this constantly.

 

[planemo]

Very good post mate! Pretty much sums up my thoughts entirely.

You're far too kind.

"Your question sounded really interesting - is our perception the culprit, I hope you may write your question."


Yes I hope one day, after a little more deep thought, to post my musings.