What has it done to you?

[zoulaykha]

i cannot describe how happy i was when i first discovered this website, especially the sentence above, 'YOU ARE NOT ALONE'. at first i didn't believe it, i REALLY thought i was alone, i never found someone like me in my entourage, i opened my eyes, analysed every single detail, every single body language, and i got nothing, i was desperate, i was determined that i should die, that there's no point of me taking another breath, that i had no purpose in life, and i told my parents that i need help from a professional, and i said to myself, if they don't accept, i will immeditely kill myself,because i asked before and they declined saying that i had nothing and whatever it is, it'll go away. that was my last hope. And at my surprise, they accepted and after two weeks i visited a psychologist, he literally saved my life.i'm still getting the treatement, and so far it certainly prevented me from killing myself!and this website definetely helped me, thanks to this website, i almost didn't want to get rid of my social anxiety, WE have our own world! but we should blend in with the other world too i guess :/ i have such strong feelings towards all the members in here, I love you all unconditionnaly, i thank god i'm not alone, i am so grateful for the creator of this website, THANK YOU, Thank you so much. Tell me, what has SAD done to you, what's the worst thing you had to go through? I hope you consider this thread your personnal diary,write anything that crosses your mind, what has happend during your day, any improvements? any deceivements? .I wanna know every single symptom you get, because i think i have some 'special' ones, like not being able to walk in public, knowing that someone behind me is staring at me.Do not hesitate, maybe i can help you and you can help me in return.

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

i am happy there is this website too, so we can all connect and relate and not feel so alone. it's nice knowing there's hundreds of people out there that are experiencing the things i am, especially after years of neglect and misunderstanding from others.

my whole life there's been pretty much no one who has ever actually known me, for who i really am. i'm always the person who doesnt talk or the shy girl that's always so innocent or boring or stupid. there's been a few people who have gotten to know me pretty well, but i can never comletely open up to them. not even my parents know me that well. its like ive lost my identity.

also, people misunderstand me all the time. they may think im being rude or ignorant by not talking, or they may think im dumb because i dont speak up. they dont understand at all what im going through, and how much i really do want to talk to them, to make friends, to joke around, to be loud and outgoing. i wish so much that i could but i get so anxious i cant speak at all.

so this site is a relief for all of us, because we all understand each other, we've been in similar shoes; we can show sincere sympathy towards one another.

 

[zoulaykha]

when you say " i wish so much that i could but i get so anxious i cant speak at all", why can't you speak, what do you feel exactly before you let the words out of your mouth?

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

when you say " i wish so much that i could but i get so anxious i cant speak at all", why can't you speak, what do you feel exactly before you let the words out of your mouth?

nervous, shakey, tense, hot, nausious, light-headed... and sometimes i cant even open my mouth. it's hard to explain. i dont know why i cant speak, i just get that way sometimes. what are your symptoms like? what do you struggle with?

 

[upndwn]

I have mostly overcome the worst of my SA, I still get sweaty and nervous and my heartbeat goes up a bit when I'm out alone, but it's not a fraction as bad as it used to be.

When my SA was at it's worst was when I was at jr. high school. I would literally freeze up when someone singled me out in a crowd. I spent my days trying to avoid any sort of attention. I had very few friends and only one I would call a close friend. I ostracized myself from everyone else and became a loner. My antisocial behavior made me an outcast and target for ridicule and bullying, and the teacher's got concerned that something was very wrong at home. At that time my mother had taken to drinking heavily after a breakup with the guy that was my stepfather for four years. Me and my two year younger sister had to spend most of the time alone with no money. When the school learned about this child services got involved and my sister was moved to a foster home. My mother blamed me and to this day we don't speak.

When I became an adult and moved to my own place I developed severe agoraphobia and locked myself inside my apartment for weeks at a time even dreading to go out to get the mail. I was however forced to go to the store to buy food, but that was usually the extent of my social life at that time. After a while my friends realized that something was very wrong so they managed to get me out on a few occasions (usually by getting me drunk) and gradually my agoraphobia and SA lessened, but usually only when I had friends around me or when I was drunk.

I have lived in this hell for all of my adult life, and although years of therapy and medication has helped a lot, I still have relapses and my SA isn't completely gone, and probably never will be.

 

[zoulaykha]

nervous, shakey, tense, hot, nausious, light-headed... and sometimes i cant even open my mouth. it's hard to explain. i dont know why i cant speak, i just get that way sometimes. what are your symptoms like? what do you struggle with?

I struggle with panic attacks with everybody without any ecxeption, whether its my mom, my sister , my dad etc.. i have severe panic attacks at school, where i usually shake and blush and yell whatever comes up into my mind like 'let's go somewhere else i' bored' or something like that, when i see my crush i just freeze and feel a huge weight in my shoulders that makes them a lot lower and at the end of the day i always have a pain in my back, when i'm walking, and turn to see what's going on behind me, if i saw someone that is staring at me or just somebody popular or well known or beautiful, whether its a boy or a girl , whether i stop walking and pretend i'm tying my shoes and let them pass after me and then make sure that they're always in front of me, OR i will just walk like a complete retard and i hear them behind me laughing, and its chaos, it's hell. that's all i can remeber for the moment =D And you? any extra symptoms? ::

 

[zoulaykha]

I have lived in this hell for all of my adult life, and although years of therapy and medication has helped a lot, I still have relapses and my SA isn't completely gone, and probably never will be.

[/QUOTE]

I hate that state, where you're completely hopeless, but you're an adult, you have been through a lot and i'm pretty sure you know that nothing lasts forever, it'll go away, with time and with a little bit of help, make sure you visit a good psychologist, and by the way, when you said "After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." I hope it's a joke! :: and maybe you should try to talk to your mom, it has been a long time right? things have changed, it'll help you move on i think, and your sister , try to get in touch with her