what does this sound like to you?

[EdgeCrusher]

i havent been actually tested for any disorders or anything so id like to get opinions from people here.

i am and always have been a quiet person in the first place. based on what i have read online i am pretty sure that i am love-shy. i have never been able to talk to women as far as being romantically interested goes. i am 29 and have never had a girl friend as an adult and am still a virgin. i had a girlfriend for a short time in high school but it never quite made it to the point of having sex. i never wanted to push it for fear of upsetting her.

i also do not like large groups, especially if i dont know most of the people. partially because i feel like i am kind of boring and dont have much to talk about. i usually dont initiate conversation with people. but if you start talking about the right thing i will hold a conversation. i have an overactive mind that wont shut the hell up when i want to go to sleep.

i am also pretty sure i have some form of OCD. i am a neat person as far as my surroundings go. everything in my room has a place and i always put it there. at work i always did things a certain way and kept my area neat for the most part. i used to bit my nails when i was in high school. i managed to stop but now i bite skin from the inside of my mouth. i also grind my teeth sometimes.

its not always that i am so shy that i dont want to participate in social gatherings. i actually legitimately dont want to sometimes. but i dont really like the atmosphere of parties where everyone is getting drunk. i am uncomfortable around marijuana even though i have no clue why it is illegal where i live. i feel like maybe if it was legal like alcohol i wouldnt be so uncomfortable around it. either way, i dont really like smoking or being around it. i dont understand the appeal of getting drunk often like most people seem to in my area. it just doesnt really do anything for me.

i have been told that im a "nice guy" which seems to be the opposite of what most women go for. despite being a virgin i have no desire to have random sex with a random girl. being a virgin has maybe gotten me partially addicted to porn. i have periods where i look at it for more than what i am sure is normal. these periods do not last very long though. other than that its just what i am sure is a normal amount for a guy my age. i do worry what more years of never being with a woman will do to me.

so what is my deal? and how can i potentially remedy any of my behavours. and how am i supposed to meet a girl that isnt into partying and getting drunk all the time. i dont know how i am supposed to meet someone who also probably doesnt go out much. i have tried MANY dating sites and never seem to really get any matches in my area. is there such a thing as a girl that likes shy guys? preferably one who isnt shy herself becasue i think i will need someone like that to help break me out of my shell.

sorry for the lenght of this, it turned out longer than i originally anticipated.

 

[GoBlue72]

Edgecrusher,

I feel your pain. I think I might've replied to your posts before, and find myself in a similar boat(but maybe 10 years ahead). I NEVER had a girlfriend, nor any close female friends until college. I've always struggled talking to women, although I've gotten better if they're: a)married and I know it, b) way older, or c)unattractive to me. I still struggle with women I'm interested in knowing. If I'm not sure, I struggle as well.

I don't have the OCD issues you mention, although self-image issues definitely ring true for me, with lifelong self-esteem problems. I got more into drinking alcohol in college, but then found myself either: a)getting wasted and forgetting about women, or b)still not feeling comfortable talking with them. I started to see porn as my "alternative" to being in relationships in college, and have stuck with it since then. It's so available nowadays, I guess I would see it as a problem when it costs too much money, takes up too much of your time, or interferes with you actually trying to do other things(i.e. work, sleep, go out).

I might've said this before, but based on your descriptions we sound similar. After stumbling upon this forum, another that I found to be very helpful in relating was the INFJs forum. Not sure that you fit that personality type, but when I found it I was like "were these people following me around for 20 years?" It definitely lends perspective and other experiences that you don't always see. It showed me that social anxiety wasn't the only issue, your personality could also affect your experiences and reactions. They even point out that some of the best partners for the introverted types are the extroverted ones, which leads to the question of how that can happen. I've often thought "I don't want a female version of myself." Although it would be calming in the empathy department, the awkwardness would be off the chart. Yes, I think women can find shy men attractive. It's just the problem of having them act on it without your help, that could be difficult.

If I have any more input, I'll try to get back to you.

 

[EdgeCrusher]

i have always said that i want a female version of myself as far as interests go. but as far as socially, definitely not. i feel like 2 overly shy people will never do anything or really get anywhere.

the thing that i always think about with this is, is the type of person i would be looking for even real? someone who is not shy and is outgoing most likely will not share many of my interests. or atleast not anywhere near the level of interest that i have. mostly because i think my interests(gaming, movies and tv shows) have developed as a result of me not being a very social person.

my idea of going out is to the movies, or a concert. i prefer not to go to social gatherings. i honestly get kind of bored just sitting around talking for too long. i feel like i am not doing anything or something. i feel like i need something like a game or movie to hold my interest.

the older i get the more i feel like the type of geeky/nerdy girl that i want is in the same situation as me.

 

[GoBlue72]

I'll let some other people chime in(hopefully?). But, since you responded, I'll let you know I've been doing more thinking about this stuff lately than I had in the last ten years or so. Not sure I have the answers, but today I was thinking I'd be fine with someone to go to the movies with me, talk about intelligent topics once in awhile, and fool around with. That might be a start for some people, but for me, that's where I'm at. I don't want someone who is just like me, likes everything I like, or is even more of a recluse. But I don't want the opposite in all areas either. Someone in the middle ground. It's like, the longer I spend without someone, the more my standards go higher rather than lower.

 

[EdgeCrusher]

i get what you mean. the one girl i tried to initiate something with on my own ended up not being interested in return. i think she was doing the whole "i claim to want a nice guy but i only date jerks" thing. thats a whole other topic. the only other girls that have possibly shown interest in me are outoging party girls. one of them that is actually really cool personality wise is VERY much a party girl. like several DUIs, get drunk at a random party in a city over an hour away with no way home kind of party girl. she also smokes pot. i just dont like to be around any of that. kind of wonder if i should have went for it anyway though.

 

[GoBlue72]

Yeah, I get what you mean. I think I mentioned in another thread how I lost my virginity to a younger "Lolita" type, which was probably a good thing for me. But a year or two later I turned down a "party girl" who was all over me. Since then.......nothing. But, I've learned that looking back at the past does no good. Doesn't mean we don't do it, especially when we've got a lot of time to think. I think I get very conservative and judgemental when it comes to just "getting laid", but if the circumstances made sense it would probably do more good than harm. It just wouldn't lead to anything substantial, but could temporarily build confidence or relieve guilt over being celibate for so long.

I've done the other thing of drinking to fit in, yet still seem to rationalize everything...i.e. these people are too desperate and I don't care that much about getting laid by some random chick. So, in a way I've kept myself in this position by turning down "not good enough" women and ruling out the "hotter women" by thinking I'm not good enough.

So, what I'm trying is to be more confident(or act that way), talk to more girls, put myself out there more, and not try to worry too much about the outcome. As a test, since I've never done this, I can figure out if not doing so saved me the trouble or not. See if I'm right or wrong.

 

[danstelter]

I think you are touching on a lot of the issues that bother most SA people, and that includes me too.

I did the partying scene for a while, but after some time got tired of it and had a hard time finding someone to whom that was not important. It seems like those people are definitely in the minority, but if you look in the right places - church, self-improvement groups, friends of friends that you respect, you will find someone.

I didn't and still don't care for large group settings, so I only really go to them if they are centered on something I really want to be a part of. Even then, I'm focused on the function of the gathering, and not mingling with other people. I try to find things that I can do with a small group of people, which aren't so stressful for me.

The porn only serves to separate you from other people, including women, and it's really quite a difficult thing to stop, but it's something you must stop if you want to connect with another person on a deep level. It's kind of a private thing so I won't go into details here, but if you'd like I can certainly talk further privately.

Anyway, hope this helps

 

[GoBlue72]

Dan, thanks for your input(on my part at least). I just saw your website and went there to check it out. Outstanding summary of the socially anxious guy and it related to me in almost every aspect. I also found your story encouraging, even if I'm 10+ years past you in the age department. I don't like to dwell too much on the negative(actually I do, but I know it's counterproductive), so I'm trying to gradually develop the positivity life seems to require. As you said on your website, bars are not the best environment in finding an appropriate partner. I agree for the most part. However, they do offer the easiest access to finding the most singles looking to date in one location, and are open every day of the week. I've searched on meetup.com after hearing about it, and am looking to join some groups on there as well.