Articulate
Banned
Dear SocialPhobiaWorld community.
I've finally decided to start searching for help, and answers, to my problems through the internet. I don't know if others have suddenly reached this point in their lives or not? All I know is I feel a stresful urgency to connect in some way. (I think this is in part due to the fact that I will be going to prison in January for a while. If anyone wants to know about it they can ask me privately)
I hope I'm not posting in the wrong section, or under the wrong heading. I'm completely new to this site, and it has taken alot of courage for me to finally talk about my loneliness even if it's online. All I want to do is express my problems to someone, and ask what they think I should try to do in terms of initial small steps. Right now I'm afraid that my life is about to pass me by for good. I also hope people are not aversive to this post because of the size.
I honestly believe excuding illness, disability or bereavement that loneliness and alienation is the worst experience known to man/woman. I mean even in the case of bereavement, I can't possibly imagine that losing your wife of thirty years whom you loved, adored and enjoyed is as painful as going through your life never experiencing any form of romantic contact.
I think there are a considerable amount of people who to a large degree simply have no concept of what true isolation is because it's just inconceivable to them. Therefore they talk about having no friends thinking of it as periods in your life where you don't know people because you: moved, had a falling out, changed schools etc. I think it's exceptionally difficult to explain to alot of people what it truly means to have never connected, even superficially, with anyone else. We are so social that it's far too alien a form of existence.
I've lived pretty much my entire life without friends, and I'm convinced it has been my downfall. I had generic school friends up until I was 12/13 and then I just hit a wall. I just couldn't connect anymore, and didn't feel connected to anyone around me. This was impossible to explain or articulate, and as I got older it became increasingly shameful to me, and ultimately more painful.
I was never bullied or abused, but for whatever reason I just couldn't click with anyone. There were obviously some practical causal factors at play. For instance I was very wordy and into history/literature within a school that was in a rough, economically struggling area. I was also very overweight and couldn't play sports, and I had a family which although unemotional was very restrictive and almost suffocatingly close. Nevertheless, I can't say that any of this felt like enough of an explanation to me for why I really was so alone. I was the perennial school loner I suppose.
This I think is what led me to suicide attempts at 17, though I deduced at the time it was because I felt so excluded from girls/women. I remember my first suicide attempt very well. It was summer at college and I was walking around the association area. It was a beautiful day and my vision felt almost hazy. I remember just watching everyone around me interacting; laughing, joking, sitting together, holding hands. For whatever reason this routinely painful experience was just sharpened, and out of nowhere I just mentally said 'I'm not living this life anymore' and I went home and tried to cut my wrists. My parents (father worked at a hospital) intervened. There was alot of negative pressure put on me by my family after this, and they wouldn't let me express why I had done it, considering any explanation to be a 'pathetic excuse.'
I truly tried to change things when I turned 18 that year. I got healthy, exercised rigorously (am an ugly man, but was a very overweight child/teenager until then) and for the first time, and put effort into my appearance. I really thought I could change things at university but I consistently failed. My family couldn't afford for me to live on campus but I was convinced I was going to become a new man. I also got my labrador that year, my first pet who became my 'best' and only friend. We would, and still, run together every morning before class.
However despite my efforts I was rejected by every girl I asked out (sometimes very politely othertimes a little harshly) and despite always being popular in the classroom was rebuffed everytime I asked to accompany people (this really baffled me). I didn't understand how classmates could say they loved my comments in the seminars but then not want to see me for coffee after? I rationalized that it came accross as weird because I didn't know anyone. These years wore me down and I started to feel cursed.
Seeing friends, and especially couples, started to break my heart everyday. I fell into huge drug abuse at 21, and became increasingly paranoid about my youth dissapearing. (I'm sure there are lots of people here who can relate to that panic) Things just got worse, and each rejection more painful. I continued study until 23 and just kept declining mentally, it felt like the last rounds of a losing fight, like I was running out of time. I think when people get to that point (24 now) their past is so painful/shameful that they can't function properly, and it's so hard to change things.
I truly believe years and years spent alone has a disastrous effect on your way of thinking, so when you want to change you can't think and feel like a normal person. Right now I feel like a ghost, like I don't exist. There have been NO pictures taken of me in 12 years, (besides 3 I did myself and my uni/work cards) I've never known someone well enough to call them up or be called on the phone, I've never been to the cinema with other people, I've never been on a date, never kissed a girl or hugged a girl or even held hands. (I was also never hugged by my family but I don't know if this is connected at all) I don't know what it feels like to be cared for or desired by someone, and I just can't seem to overcome it.
I've also lost my career/livelihood (and am going to prison) because of heavy clandestine drug and alcohol abuse all to help me forget my loneliness. I mean right now I'm resigned to never having a real life, but I still can't accept all of it, and desperately want to experience SOMETHING.
I'm reaching the point where I may have to accept never having any form of sexual contact, never being loved, never being part of a group. However, I don't think I can ever accept never having ANY emotional connection with a woman I find attractive. Is that so much to ask? All I want is to spend time with a pretty girl and have meaningful conversations, and maybe talk about books, read together, run together, someone I can give advice to and feel respected by, someone to make me feel human. I don't have to sleep with her or ask for much, but it probably wont happen. So I'm sorry this is so long, but truly having no friends as opposed to temporary seperation is a truly horrible, and misunderstood phenomenom. When I walk around the streets, or sit alone in a coffee shop and look at other people (especially women or couples) I feel like a different 'type' of person, like I'm something other than they are. It's so horrible. Maybe it's all my fault but just writing this because I've kept it secret for so long.
I don't know if anyone here will read all of this, and I abhor the idea of coming accross as self indulgent or selfish. I just want people to know that I currently have no friends, or acquaintances, and I'm desperately trying to find ways to make those first small steps to a connection. Be it online or in a shop or something. If anyone wants to know more about me to answer (appearance/demeanout/confidence level) I'll explain in the thread. If aynone read this: From the bottom of my heart thankyou!x
I've finally decided to start searching for help, and answers, to my problems through the internet. I don't know if others have suddenly reached this point in their lives or not? All I know is I feel a stresful urgency to connect in some way. (I think this is in part due to the fact that I will be going to prison in January for a while. If anyone wants to know about it they can ask me privately)
I hope I'm not posting in the wrong section, or under the wrong heading. I'm completely new to this site, and it has taken alot of courage for me to finally talk about my loneliness even if it's online. All I want to do is express my problems to someone, and ask what they think I should try to do in terms of initial small steps. Right now I'm afraid that my life is about to pass me by for good. I also hope people are not aversive to this post because of the size.
I honestly believe excuding illness, disability or bereavement that loneliness and alienation is the worst experience known to man/woman. I mean even in the case of bereavement, I can't possibly imagine that losing your wife of thirty years whom you loved, adored and enjoyed is as painful as going through your life never experiencing any form of romantic contact.
I think there are a considerable amount of people who to a large degree simply have no concept of what true isolation is because it's just inconceivable to them. Therefore they talk about having no friends thinking of it as periods in your life where you don't know people because you: moved, had a falling out, changed schools etc. I think it's exceptionally difficult to explain to alot of people what it truly means to have never connected, even superficially, with anyone else. We are so social that it's far too alien a form of existence.
I've lived pretty much my entire life without friends, and I'm convinced it has been my downfall. I had generic school friends up until I was 12/13 and then I just hit a wall. I just couldn't connect anymore, and didn't feel connected to anyone around me. This was impossible to explain or articulate, and as I got older it became increasingly shameful to me, and ultimately more painful.
I was never bullied or abused, but for whatever reason I just couldn't click with anyone. There were obviously some practical causal factors at play. For instance I was very wordy and into history/literature within a school that was in a rough, economically struggling area. I was also very overweight and couldn't play sports, and I had a family which although unemotional was very restrictive and almost suffocatingly close. Nevertheless, I can't say that any of this felt like enough of an explanation to me for why I really was so alone. I was the perennial school loner I suppose.
This I think is what led me to suicide attempts at 17, though I deduced at the time it was because I felt so excluded from girls/women. I remember my first suicide attempt very well. It was summer at college and I was walking around the association area. It was a beautiful day and my vision felt almost hazy. I remember just watching everyone around me interacting; laughing, joking, sitting together, holding hands. For whatever reason this routinely painful experience was just sharpened, and out of nowhere I just mentally said 'I'm not living this life anymore' and I went home and tried to cut my wrists. My parents (father worked at a hospital) intervened. There was alot of negative pressure put on me by my family after this, and they wouldn't let me express why I had done it, considering any explanation to be a 'pathetic excuse.'
I truly tried to change things when I turned 18 that year. I got healthy, exercised rigorously (am an ugly man, but was a very overweight child/teenager until then) and for the first time, and put effort into my appearance. I really thought I could change things at university but I consistently failed. My family couldn't afford for me to live on campus but I was convinced I was going to become a new man. I also got my labrador that year, my first pet who became my 'best' and only friend. We would, and still, run together every morning before class.
However despite my efforts I was rejected by every girl I asked out (sometimes very politely othertimes a little harshly) and despite always being popular in the classroom was rebuffed everytime I asked to accompany people (this really baffled me). I didn't understand how classmates could say they loved my comments in the seminars but then not want to see me for coffee after? I rationalized that it came accross as weird because I didn't know anyone. These years wore me down and I started to feel cursed.
Seeing friends, and especially couples, started to break my heart everyday. I fell into huge drug abuse at 21, and became increasingly paranoid about my youth dissapearing. (I'm sure there are lots of people here who can relate to that panic) Things just got worse, and each rejection more painful. I continued study until 23 and just kept declining mentally, it felt like the last rounds of a losing fight, like I was running out of time. I think when people get to that point (24 now) their past is so painful/shameful that they can't function properly, and it's so hard to change things.
I truly believe years and years spent alone has a disastrous effect on your way of thinking, so when you want to change you can't think and feel like a normal person. Right now I feel like a ghost, like I don't exist. There have been NO pictures taken of me in 12 years, (besides 3 I did myself and my uni/work cards) I've never known someone well enough to call them up or be called on the phone, I've never been to the cinema with other people, I've never been on a date, never kissed a girl or hugged a girl or even held hands. (I was also never hugged by my family but I don't know if this is connected at all) I don't know what it feels like to be cared for or desired by someone, and I just can't seem to overcome it.
I've also lost my career/livelihood (and am going to prison) because of heavy clandestine drug and alcohol abuse all to help me forget my loneliness. I mean right now I'm resigned to never having a real life, but I still can't accept all of it, and desperately want to experience SOMETHING.
I'm reaching the point where I may have to accept never having any form of sexual contact, never being loved, never being part of a group. However, I don't think I can ever accept never having ANY emotional connection with a woman I find attractive. Is that so much to ask? All I want is to spend time with a pretty girl and have meaningful conversations, and maybe talk about books, read together, run together, someone I can give advice to and feel respected by, someone to make me feel human. I don't have to sleep with her or ask for much, but it probably wont happen. So I'm sorry this is so long, but truly having no friends as opposed to temporary seperation is a truly horrible, and misunderstood phenomenom. When I walk around the streets, or sit alone in a coffee shop and look at other people (especially women or couples) I feel like a different 'type' of person, like I'm something other than they are. It's so horrible. Maybe it's all my fault but just writing this because I've kept it secret for so long.
I don't know if anyone here will read all of this, and I abhor the idea of coming accross as self indulgent or selfish. I just want people to know that I currently have no friends, or acquaintances, and I'm desperately trying to find ways to make those first small steps to a connection. Be it online or in a shop or something. If anyone wants to know more about me to answer (appearance/demeanout/confidence level) I'll explain in the thread. If aynone read this: From the bottom of my heart thankyou!x
