Shant
Well-known member
Things are significantly different than what they were when I first registered on this forum, over three years ago. Let's see...
I don't know what I'm expecting with this, I'm just... venting. Yeah, venting. You don't have to read all of this if you don't want to.
In High School, which I had graduated a year before, I was on the school's football team - eventually the varsity one. I kind of majorly sucked at it, but, the funny thing about motivation is that when you don't have it, you don't really get better at it. I joined the team to escape bullying - which, eventually worked, but by then all the bullying from primary school already scarred me a lot. I also had emotionally abusive parents - sure, sometimes they'd compliment me and be encouraging, but more often they were just irritated with me and would call me names and basically emotionally invalidate me most of the time. A month before graduating high school, my father had a particularly bad day at work, came home, figured that my depression was because my faith in God wasn't high enough, and that I trusted the "atheist science" psychology instead, and was annoyed by it enough to tell me to kill myself; after almost forcing me to join the army.
It was kind of hellish, high school. I attempted suicide near the end, and eventually found myself in a psych ward. After 10 days I figured I wouldn't get better in the psych ward, so I lied to them saying I was fine, so I got out of it. Then I began college - and social anxiety went full force. I was still living with my parents.
My first year of college was kind of awful. I still had my parents using religion as a weapon against me even when they still thought I was Christian, and convinced I was autistic, did whatever they could to control me and tell me I couldn't make my own choices. I couldn't make any friends because I was scared speechless of everyone and could barely form coherent sentences. My depression was also in full force; I wanted to kill myself every day. I can't know what career field to pick for the future, I didn't want a career, I wanted to be dead. But nobody would let me die. I hate people. Near spring, after applying for literally everything I could, I found a food service job I was accepted into. This isn't exactly a social anxiety person's favorite environment, and I was a fish out of water for a few months, but slowly started to get better at talking to people. It was too stressful to put into words, my anxiety was off the charts, but I managed with hard enough work.
My second year, I snapped. I dropped Christianity, picked up a second job, and decided do-or-die, my parents are probably the cause of my depression. If I can't make enough money to move out after this year, I'll kill myself. By nothing short of a miracle, doing full-time work on top of full-time classes, I made it. I learned to completely dissociate to workaround social anxiety. I didn't make friends or anything, but could talk to people for basic purposes. Half-way through this year I figured I could manage life with that level of social anxiety, so I left these forums.
My third year, I finally got out of my parents' place. My depression lessened significantly for the first half. All was well, I no longer had daily abuse of any kind. I was happy for once. I even made a few friends, which was a miracle to me because I never really had more than one at a time before. And finally switched to a committed degree, computer science. But then in the second half of the year, I kind of realized then was the time to actually pay attention to that issue I marked a low-priority for a decade or so: I'm transgender. So I was more depressed and sleep-deprived than ever before that half of the year; but, silver linings, the following summer was kind of nice and laid-back, for once in my life, and I made the decision to begin transitioning from male to female. Also kind of acknowledged the fact I was bisexual, somehow conveniently ignoring all the guy crushes I'd had before.
My fourth year, I spent the whole time transitioning physically/medically and gradually socially; so this really tested whatever social anxiety I had left. To manage myself, I still had to work 30 hours per week on top of school, as usual; I was getting used to it, but slowly crashing.
The following summer, finalized transitioning and started living as female instead. I was lucky in that the whole process went a lot better than for most people, and the following year I passed as female and was treated as such; kind of all I'd wanted my entire life. That summer however, I met someone special on 4chan, of all places. I never dated, kissed, had sex, with anyone before, social anxiety and "being too busy" was a convenient excuse for turning others down. So my fifth year of college was largely adjusting to being in a relationship for the first time in my life. I met someone who "was" a guy; but, a few months later they wanted to transition to female too. Long story short, I'm kind of as gay as you can get at this point. Our relationship's perfect, though, we rarely if ever get into any fights, and had similarly awful backgrounds and parents. Also poverty, there was so much aggravating poverty and having to sell all of my belongings again to pay rent because of my unsupportive parents.
So here I am, the summer after that fifth year; one more semester until graduation. I'm transgender, and soon at the point where that's all behind me; even though I guess I'll appear lesbian to everyone from now on. I'm, to my own amazement, actually in a relationship. My social anxiety levels are reasonably fair now - I can just call myself "shy" or "awkward", so any social mishaps are somewhat excused, and it's at manageable levels. I have an internship paying high, living wages. Things finally seem to be looking up. I have several friends I can talk to.
The reason I'm back here is, besides just revisiting the past awkwardly, realizing I care too much about what others think - and getting panic attacks, almost, out of it. I'm ashamed of my relationship, because I worry what bullies and my parents would have think. They're probably ashamed of me - I could've been a straight, successful son, and found a nice wife; but instead, I wanted to be a girl, and transitioned (which doesn't make me a real girl, just... a guy that looks like a girl.) and dated a trans girl; my love for her is like any other kind of love and we actively discuss marriage - but I worry about what others think and end up thinking of all of this as a massive failure because I'm not like everyone else. I'm "abnormal" and "subhuman". I'm confusing and really hard to really understand at all. I'm a weirdo, and feel like I need to hide everything that makes me different.
I don't know. After years of struggling to talk to people, I can finally do that with relative ease now - but I still think people hate me and I still worry far too much about what they think about me. And **** if I can't give up that habit...
Anyways, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
And thanks for bothering to waste time on me.
I don't know what I'm expecting with this, I'm just... venting. Yeah, venting. You don't have to read all of this if you don't want to.
In High School, which I had graduated a year before, I was on the school's football team - eventually the varsity one. I kind of majorly sucked at it, but, the funny thing about motivation is that when you don't have it, you don't really get better at it. I joined the team to escape bullying - which, eventually worked, but by then all the bullying from primary school already scarred me a lot. I also had emotionally abusive parents - sure, sometimes they'd compliment me and be encouraging, but more often they were just irritated with me and would call me names and basically emotionally invalidate me most of the time. A month before graduating high school, my father had a particularly bad day at work, came home, figured that my depression was because my faith in God wasn't high enough, and that I trusted the "atheist science" psychology instead, and was annoyed by it enough to tell me to kill myself; after almost forcing me to join the army.
It was kind of hellish, high school. I attempted suicide near the end, and eventually found myself in a psych ward. After 10 days I figured I wouldn't get better in the psych ward, so I lied to them saying I was fine, so I got out of it. Then I began college - and social anxiety went full force. I was still living with my parents.
My first year of college was kind of awful. I still had my parents using religion as a weapon against me even when they still thought I was Christian, and convinced I was autistic, did whatever they could to control me and tell me I couldn't make my own choices. I couldn't make any friends because I was scared speechless of everyone and could barely form coherent sentences. My depression was also in full force; I wanted to kill myself every day. I can't know what career field to pick for the future, I didn't want a career, I wanted to be dead. But nobody would let me die. I hate people. Near spring, after applying for literally everything I could, I found a food service job I was accepted into. This isn't exactly a social anxiety person's favorite environment, and I was a fish out of water for a few months, but slowly started to get better at talking to people. It was too stressful to put into words, my anxiety was off the charts, but I managed with hard enough work.
My second year, I snapped. I dropped Christianity, picked up a second job, and decided do-or-die, my parents are probably the cause of my depression. If I can't make enough money to move out after this year, I'll kill myself. By nothing short of a miracle, doing full-time work on top of full-time classes, I made it. I learned to completely dissociate to workaround social anxiety. I didn't make friends or anything, but could talk to people for basic purposes. Half-way through this year I figured I could manage life with that level of social anxiety, so I left these forums.
My third year, I finally got out of my parents' place. My depression lessened significantly for the first half. All was well, I no longer had daily abuse of any kind. I was happy for once. I even made a few friends, which was a miracle to me because I never really had more than one at a time before. And finally switched to a committed degree, computer science. But then in the second half of the year, I kind of realized then was the time to actually pay attention to that issue I marked a low-priority for a decade or so: I'm transgender. So I was more depressed and sleep-deprived than ever before that half of the year; but, silver linings, the following summer was kind of nice and laid-back, for once in my life, and I made the decision to begin transitioning from male to female. Also kind of acknowledged the fact I was bisexual, somehow conveniently ignoring all the guy crushes I'd had before.
My fourth year, I spent the whole time transitioning physically/medically and gradually socially; so this really tested whatever social anxiety I had left. To manage myself, I still had to work 30 hours per week on top of school, as usual; I was getting used to it, but slowly crashing.
The following summer, finalized transitioning and started living as female instead. I was lucky in that the whole process went a lot better than for most people, and the following year I passed as female and was treated as such; kind of all I'd wanted my entire life. That summer however, I met someone special on 4chan, of all places. I never dated, kissed, had sex, with anyone before, social anxiety and "being too busy" was a convenient excuse for turning others down. So my fifth year of college was largely adjusting to being in a relationship for the first time in my life. I met someone who "was" a guy; but, a few months later they wanted to transition to female too. Long story short, I'm kind of as gay as you can get at this point. Our relationship's perfect, though, we rarely if ever get into any fights, and had similarly awful backgrounds and parents. Also poverty, there was so much aggravating poverty and having to sell all of my belongings again to pay rent because of my unsupportive parents.
So here I am, the summer after that fifth year; one more semester until graduation. I'm transgender, and soon at the point where that's all behind me; even though I guess I'll appear lesbian to everyone from now on. I'm, to my own amazement, actually in a relationship. My social anxiety levels are reasonably fair now - I can just call myself "shy" or "awkward", so any social mishaps are somewhat excused, and it's at manageable levels. I have an internship paying high, living wages. Things finally seem to be looking up. I have several friends I can talk to.
The reason I'm back here is, besides just revisiting the past awkwardly, realizing I care too much about what others think - and getting panic attacks, almost, out of it. I'm ashamed of my relationship, because I worry what bullies and my parents would have think. They're probably ashamed of me - I could've been a straight, successful son, and found a nice wife; but instead, I wanted to be a girl, and transitioned (which doesn't make me a real girl, just... a guy that looks like a girl.) and dated a trans girl; my love for her is like any other kind of love and we actively discuss marriage - but I worry about what others think and end up thinking of all of this as a massive failure because I'm not like everyone else. I'm "abnormal" and "subhuman". I'm confusing and really hard to really understand at all. I'm a weirdo, and feel like I need to hide everything that makes me different.
I don't know. After years of struggling to talk to people, I can finally do that with relative ease now - but I still think people hate me and I still worry far too much about what they think about me. And **** if I can't give up that habit...
Anyways, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
And thanks for bothering to waste time on me.
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