i first was bullied in primary school, in my third year... i think i must have been 7 or 8.. something like that..
the first time was at a party... i dont really remember it that well.. i just remember crying at some point.. and then there was no going back... at the time i called it the worst day of my life, and the next day people were making fun of me, and hitting me and throwing stuff at me.. you know.. generic bullying... at some point, i started insulting them all back... and i started to always fight back.. harder than they fought me.. and they didnt stop.. they just started telling me, and teachers never believed the person who was only responding... they just tar you with the same brush. teachers dont listen.. i never had a teacher that actually listened to anything. they just think all kids are the same.
in primary school, i finally stopped getting bullied after i tried to kill myself. when i had given up fighting back, because nobody gave a fuck about me.
in secondary school, i resolved i wasnt going to get bullied.. i ignored stuff for a while.. people bullied me more , like you said because i wasnt fighting back.. but they still carried on even if i didnt express any reaction... i dont really know why.. the thing is , every little remark i ignored i got more and more pissed off... and i started to fly into rages i couldn't remember where i chased people and wouldnt stop hitting them and smacked people with chairs and threw them into lockers even in classes because they pissed me off too much making fun of me.
they found it entertaining, and came at me in bigger groups, even people i didnt know joined in, so my fighting back became ineffectual amongst so many people.. like an animal, going after each new taunt, i couldnt get revenge on anyone, nevermind anyone.. and the teachers always told me off... never the people who made me fly into those rages.. im sure they never saw... they certainly never listened, unobservant bastards...
it stopped though when people started to grow up. i tried to commit suicide in secondary school too.. and the person who had driven me to it, was genuinely contrite. he stuck up for me after that... and i had enough peace to start to calm down..
and i made people that i could think of as real friends (for a time)... enough that random people taking the piss out of me didnt affect me as much anymore.. everything still hurt, but i didn't have to react... and then it stopped.
its not lacking the will to fight or confront that makes us targets. its lacking the confidence to be unaffected. and people can really tell..
feigned confidence is not really that much use in life..
impressions of me, insults from days past, bandied about.. they bother me even now, when they're not meant that way, because i typecast most humans... i suspect everyone as targeting me...
on the internet its safe to me. there is something fundamentally different between bullies and the bullied... some kind of characteristic.. but i dont think its just one.. theres a whole heap of factors, with some luck thrown in...
i have people now i trust and love. no girlfriend (and i dont swing the other way), and i dont need one. its like that muppets song.. if one person believes in you.. maybe somebody else will.. then maybe somebody else.. then maybe you can believe in yourself... to me other people are the only way i can change, for better or for worse. i am the product of my best friends.. and my bullies, and everything i have ever lived through.
with the right people its okay to speak freely. thats the best we can hope for... i avoid most people.. ,i only like interacting with about four people freely.. and i think thats okay.
if everything around you is shit, you feel everything is shit. and it works the other way.. and sometimes you can feel shit without everything around you being shit.
i idealize the few people who i dont look at as a misanthrope.. how much reality though do we really need? and theres nothing wrong with avoiding everybody.. its hard to let go of wanting approval, but its easier to be happy if you focus on what you have to be happy about.
I hope that doesn't read as aload of bullshit.
btw, this post is actually optimistic
