shredman
Active member
Im new here and thought I'd share something with you guys. I'm only starting to understand my thoughts & feeling as Ive only just found out about SA. I never really understood why I freaked out so much when posting stuff like this. But anyway, here I go...
Following is some writing & art that I did before I knew about SA. When I read the words I wrote, I think to myself "yeah cool just go and do it." Then this involuntry fear kicks in and I struggle to take that first 'simple' step... then I hate myself, then I get depressed.
Anyway, here is what I wrote. Somtimes I think it helps me to keep positive. I just need to remember not to be too hard on myself when it doesn't come as easily as I think it should. Hope you get something from it too.
The tallest walls cast the longest & deepest shadows but the darkest of shadows are spawn from the brightest of pure light.
Some walls we create ourselves and some are created by situations beyond our control. Regardless of how they are created, we are left with a choice on how we deal with them.
Due to the overwhelming oppressive shadow that a wall can cast, it may seem easier to succumb to the darkness and be imprisoned within the shadows; to fade away un-noticed, isolated and alone.
Emancipation is created in just one simple step out into the light. To summon the will to take that one small step can at times seems as though it’s a quest to traverse a mountain range. Sometimes a hand from another is required to get on ones feet but the first step must come from the will of the individual.
Only once it has been taken can it be seen for all it is… a simple step.
Following is some writing & art that I did before I knew about SA. When I read the words I wrote, I think to myself "yeah cool just go and do it." Then this involuntry fear kicks in and I struggle to take that first 'simple' step... then I hate myself, then I get depressed.
Anyway, here is what I wrote. Somtimes I think it helps me to keep positive. I just need to remember not to be too hard on myself when it doesn't come as easily as I think it should. Hope you get something from it too.
The tallest walls cast the longest & deepest shadows but the darkest of shadows are spawn from the brightest of pure light.
Some walls we create ourselves and some are created by situations beyond our control. Regardless of how they are created, we are left with a choice on how we deal with them.
Due to the overwhelming oppressive shadow that a wall can cast, it may seem easier to succumb to the darkness and be imprisoned within the shadows; to fade away un-noticed, isolated and alone.
Emancipation is created in just one simple step out into the light. To summon the will to take that one small step can at times seems as though it’s a quest to traverse a mountain range. Sometimes a hand from another is required to get on ones feet but the first step must come from the will of the individual.
Only once it has been taken can it be seen for all it is… a simple step.
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I love the part that says, "the first step must come from the will of the individual." I've noticed that's so true. My SA was a lot worse before, but some part of my subconscious mind wanted to get free, so about a year ago I signed up for a public speaking class. I was SO scared, more than I think I've ever been. The first speech was one minute long and horrifying, but afterwards I just felt relieved and free. Each speech after that still made me have a panic attack literally all day, but I did it anyway because I wanted to feel that relieved, free feeling again. And I kept going like that, through six months of a few speeches per week. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I passed the class with a really good grade, and I changed so much. After taking that class, me and everyone around me noticed that before the class I acted emotionless and cold, because I was scared to show emotion. I didn't smile or laugh or get angry or even act visibly scared. But afterwards I was so much more alive and happy. I still struggle every day to keep improving and to push myself a little bit harder, and I'm still really abnormally shy (depending on the situation) but it's a lot better now and I think I can keep improving until I'm completely free. What you wrote was beautiful, it reminded me so much of my experience and it described it so well. I'm always looking for poems and songs that apply to my life, and this is a good one. 