Flowers-Of-Bloom
Well-known member
WALL OF TEXT ><
Something like this hurts so much I cannot cope, don't know why I took the risk, it just always ends up hurting someone. I am usually someone who shies away from relationships, including friendships and any romantic advances because I am afraid of being hurt. I really wish I hadn't let myself be so vulnerable. I guess I let myself get too close and too comfortable, but he truly is the person that I have been waiting for and when we would talk I had the best of times but nothing was worth the horrible feeling that I have now. Rejection is my most terrifying fear, besides dismemberment or possession.
He broke my heart last Friday. I had felt like we were drifting apart for some time, maybe 2 months or so. The thing is our relationship is long distance, and we didn't even meet in person yet, even though I wanted to but I was so afraid, maybe he would think I wasn't pretty enough but he said that that didn't matter. Anyway, when things started going wrong I sensed his hesitance to talk to me, I had to do everything in the relationship like starting conversations or calling him, I felt like now he was avoiding me and I didn't understand why. He went from enjoying my company to avoiding me and then shutting me out even though I thought I had done nothing wrong or different than what I had done before. One day he hadn't messaged me back on Skype for hours and through our mutual friend I found out that one of his family members had just passed away that day (my friend thought he would've told me, and well, so did I). Now I knew for certain that he didn't trust me or like me as much anymore and something, somewhere in the relationship had gone horribly wrong. I eventually asked him why he was so distant from me and he told me it was because he was afraid of me. :crying:
He said I was scary because sometimes I would react to certain things in a certain way, usually with intense anger and swearing (not at him, but I guess maybe I snapped a few times, I told him I was sorry and I cried, I was so worried he wouldn't like me anymore because I had anger issues and I was right). You see we play video games together sometimes and I guess I get too worked up sometimes, I mean it's just a game, but now he doesn't want me anymore because he says I'm scary and doesn't want to deal with my anger which only happens on occasion. So he told me he doesn't like spending time with me anymore because of that, but I'm not an angry person I'm usually just calm or shy and yes I have a lot of emotions, my psychologist says I have emotional dysregulation and most likely borderline personality disorder so I feel emotions what seems like x10 than what it should be. I hate it so much, he and I are so good together and we had such a good thing going, he means the world to me and he was also my best friend, besides him I only have one other good friend.
I love him so much and he says he loved me, it breaks my heart so much. He stopped talking to me the day he said we should break up, he's been away all that time avoiding me as well as our mutual friend to whom he was close with. I love him so much and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep because I just keep thinking about it so I stay awake until I can't any longer. Last night was so awful, the feelings I had hurt so much and my eyes become so red, even now shivers keep running up and down my spine and I can't stop shaking. I don't want to lose him I love him so much I just wish he would talk to me again and maybe we could work something out, but he's been off Skype for two days and I'm so afraid he will never come back. I wouldn't want anyone in the whole world to feel like this, it really does feel like my heart is broken and like someone took a giant spear and drove it into my chest. I am worried he feels guilty because I told him how I felt before he disappeared and he seemed pretty upset and tried to tell me not to feel that bad, I think he was crying. But I can't stop it, my mind can't take this, it's just so painful, I want us to be together I can't bare living without him. We're so a like in so many ways and he made me so happy when he wasn't trying to avoid me and he says he enjoyed my company but now I scared him away.
:kickingmyself:
I wrote this to calm myself and get out my thoughts and it has helped so much. I don't know if anyone will read this but thank you if you did. I think I will have to write again soon, this is quite actually therapeutic and I don't want to have that feeling again. For the moment it's become bearable.
Something like this hurts so much I cannot cope, don't know why I took the risk, it just always ends up hurting someone. I am usually someone who shies away from relationships, including friendships and any romantic advances because I am afraid of being hurt. I really wish I hadn't let myself be so vulnerable. I guess I let myself get too close and too comfortable, but he truly is the person that I have been waiting for and when we would talk I had the best of times but nothing was worth the horrible feeling that I have now. Rejection is my most terrifying fear, besides dismemberment or possession.
He broke my heart last Friday. I had felt like we were drifting apart for some time, maybe 2 months or so. The thing is our relationship is long distance, and we didn't even meet in person yet, even though I wanted to but I was so afraid, maybe he would think I wasn't pretty enough but he said that that didn't matter. Anyway, when things started going wrong I sensed his hesitance to talk to me, I had to do everything in the relationship like starting conversations or calling him, I felt like now he was avoiding me and I didn't understand why. He went from enjoying my company to avoiding me and then shutting me out even though I thought I had done nothing wrong or different than what I had done before. One day he hadn't messaged me back on Skype for hours and through our mutual friend I found out that one of his family members had just passed away that day (my friend thought he would've told me, and well, so did I). Now I knew for certain that he didn't trust me or like me as much anymore and something, somewhere in the relationship had gone horribly wrong. I eventually asked him why he was so distant from me and he told me it was because he was afraid of me. :crying:
He said I was scary because sometimes I would react to certain things in a certain way, usually with intense anger and swearing (not at him, but I guess maybe I snapped a few times, I told him I was sorry and I cried, I was so worried he wouldn't like me anymore because I had anger issues and I was right). You see we play video games together sometimes and I guess I get too worked up sometimes, I mean it's just a game, but now he doesn't want me anymore because he says I'm scary and doesn't want to deal with my anger which only happens on occasion. So he told me he doesn't like spending time with me anymore because of that, but I'm not an angry person I'm usually just calm or shy and yes I have a lot of emotions, my psychologist says I have emotional dysregulation and most likely borderline personality disorder so I feel emotions what seems like x10 than what it should be. I hate it so much, he and I are so good together and we had such a good thing going, he means the world to me and he was also my best friend, besides him I only have one other good friend.
I love him so much and he says he loved me, it breaks my heart so much. He stopped talking to me the day he said we should break up, he's been away all that time avoiding me as well as our mutual friend to whom he was close with. I love him so much and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep because I just keep thinking about it so I stay awake until I can't any longer. Last night was so awful, the feelings I had hurt so much and my eyes become so red, even now shivers keep running up and down my spine and I can't stop shaking. I don't want to lose him I love him so much I just wish he would talk to me again and maybe we could work something out, but he's been off Skype for two days and I'm so afraid he will never come back. I wouldn't want anyone in the whole world to feel like this, it really does feel like my heart is broken and like someone took a giant spear and drove it into my chest. I am worried he feels guilty because I told him how I felt before he disappeared and he seemed pretty upset and tried to tell me not to feel that bad, I think he was crying. But I can't stop it, my mind can't take this, it's just so painful, I want us to be together I can't bare living without him. We're so a like in so many ways and he made me so happy when he wasn't trying to avoid me and he says he enjoyed my company but now I scared him away.
:kickingmyself:
I wrote this to calm myself and get out my thoughts and it has helped so much. I don't know if anyone will read this but thank you if you did. I think I will have to write again soon, this is quite actually therapeutic and I don't want to have that feeling again. For the moment it's become bearable.
