Trying to understand

[MobiusX]

I am trying to understand whether or not I had OCD years ago when I was around 15-18. I do not know exactly how it started. I remember that I used to walk, and if the step I just took did not feel right(if I had a negative thought while taking that particular step), then I used to walk back and take that step again. I also washed my hands several times until I felt it was okay to leave the bathroom. I no longer do this anymore, but I do have to admit that I always check the kitchen stove at least five times before I leave the house or if something else is plugged in electrical outlets- I do not consider that type of behavior to be OCD, compared to my earlier years. Does anyone know what might have caused this? I was shy as a kid, probably starting around the age of 10 or so. I discovered social anxiety until I was around 18. According to a psychiatrist I spoke with (only for 5 sessions the most) and a college counselor (only attended 7 sessions), my social anxiety was caused by my past experiences as a child, which not matter what I do or say, cannot be fixed because it cannot be erased. There is no point of trying to solve anthing. It only makes things worse and causes more anger. I've heard people say, "It only gets worse in the beginning but better in the end." This is not true for me though. I can spent an entire year speaking about my childhood, and I will feel depressed, violent, etc... the whole time. Accoding to the college counselor, understanding my past will help me get rid of social anxiety. I really do not see how though.

Thanks

 

[YankeeBob]

" I don't want to talk about it".....

You know this quote is the name of a book. I have placed an order for it with my local bookstore here in Australia.

A friend of my step daughter, who is a school teacher brought it to my attention. She couldn't understand men/boys and stumbled onto this book which helped her.

Apparently there are some of us in life who are secretive. We keep our thoughts and feelings, and behavior to ourselves. Its a habit, and like most habits they get stronger as the years go by.

One night I was in my 12 Step meeting and I heard a man talk about his "emotional dashboard". This made me sit up and pay attention because I didn't know what he meant.

He went on to say that when we drive a car we go get gas ( petrol ) if one light comes on, put the handbrake down if another light comes on, put on the safety belt, and so on.

He then went on to say that for him in his life as an adult he never understood why he was angry, or tired, or lazy, or obsessing. He just was.

in other words he didn't understand himself because his eyes were always looking at other people.

by the way he never had a close friend in his life... just like myself at that time.

he went on to say that he started to change by working with a therapist, and asking others for help.

now three years later i remember that sharing. it was one of those light bulb moments for me.

i went to a therapist and worked with him for six months. he had met other men like myself.....sons of work aholics, who used work as a friend, and grew up to be a work aholic just like my father.

started to read at my therapists direction books on love, relationships, feelings.....

then one day a man i was working with said something like "i have decided i need people in my life".....

that thought rattled around in my head for a couple of days. you know like "where did that come from...why did he say that....and so on".

then it occured to me i needed people in my life.

yet all my life i didn't know who to trust....who to let in.

anyhow, had my 58th birthday party on Friday night. we had 16 guests...actually new friends there. some neighbours, most friends from the last four years , and one couple whom my wife and i have known for about 10 years now.

my life has changed. my values, my feelings, and my behaviour has changed.

it didn't have to....but i was so unhappy living the old way that i wanted to.

so there is HOPE.

be well