Trouble with my life

[Princess Daisy]

Hello everyone!

I've been having a problem when it comes to my sexuality. It all started with a homosexual dream that I had. I can't really say what it was about because it was one of those "you can't see" type of dreams. I woke up the following morning and decided to research on why I was having dreams like this. Most of the information I came across said to ignore it. However, for some reason I decided to look into the topic just out of curiosity. I then saw an article which contained homosexual pictures that I wasn't expecting. Right away I had that tingly feeling "down there", but afterwards I immediately felt horrible and disgusted at myself to a point where I really regret doing that.

Ever since then, I've been panicking of whether or not I lost my attraction to men. This past week I was on the verge of having a mental breakdown because I thought I should be either committed or that I should see a therapist. I don't like women that way and I would never have sex with them either. Nor would I want to start a relationship with them. Its just not me. During my entire life I've always felt attracted to men both in real life and on TV. I've always daydreamed of what my husband would be like and stuff. I don't hate any homosexuals; its just that when it comes to my life I would rather be with a man. Anyway, I think somethings wrong because ever since that day it seems like I can't look at women anymore especially on TV. I sometimes even have thoughts saying that certain people are attractive and it feels like a small punch has been hitting my gut. I feel upset. This has been turning into an obsession; meaning that I've been researching about HOCD nonstop for months. What do you guys think? Honest opinions too please. Any help would be appreciated!

By the way I haven't been properly diagnosed with OCD, so I'm somewhat sure I have it. Out of nowhere I've been engaging with my daily "exercises" of rechecking things, and I've also been counting a lot too which is horrible. This has been going on for about 3+ years.

 

[Kat]

It’s probably not as odd as you think it is probably mainly seeing the two people having sex that is sparking your interests. Heterosexuals can find their own gender attractive you can get sexual energy from things that seem a bit unusual but ultimately it’s the conscious choices you make that decide your life style preferences. I have thought women have looked hot but the idea of kissing them or doing anything like that with them would be a definite no but I wouldn’t be surprised by just thinking that there may be a certain stimulus that builds up.

 

[Thelema]

Doesn't sound strange at all. Recognizing that other girls/guys are attractive is pretty normal.

 

[Thelema]

And welcome!! Have a nice time here.

 

[SAYC]

Hi,

To me, the fact that you can so clearly say that you don't want to have sex with a woman, that is who you are. You are not a homosexual (and that is OK too!).

There are around 100 documented types/categories of obsessions out there. I still have a hard time admitting that I have/had? an obsession with violence, sexual violence, homosexuality. It did not make it easy that I was hit on by a female professor at university. But I know that I want to have sex with my husband! Before I knew what the OCD was though, these incessant thoughts accusing me of other things made life really hard. It was hard to be alone with others and hard to look at women because I felt guilty. I would force myself to look at women though and to build relationships, to prove to myself that I was OK. Now that I know that it is OCD, I don't have to prove anything to myself. It doesn't mean it is all really easy now-I still can slip into old fears, but I force myself to do things I used to fear-like getting close to people, being alone with women and kids.

Although it was relatively easy to tell my therapist about the violent images/phrases rushing through my head, it took me months to share the even more tortuous thoughts/images of sexual violence towards other women and towards kids. I had two small children at the time of diagnosis and I had decided to leave and go into isolation because I was so scared that I would hurt my kids-OCD likes you to believe this crap.

When I was diagnosed and finally able to talk to someone about the torture I was going through and all my fears, it was such a relief to know that this stuff was OCD and not my fault. Now, 6 years later, my relationships are deeper, my sex life is a lot better (now that scary images no longer pop up as I approach orgasm), I am more relaxed and I am a great mom and health care professional. I still struggle from time to time but I just try not to give OCD any credibility in my life. I don't get stuck on these thoughts but let them fall through a trap door in my mind.