Trapped.

[lillia]

ive suffered from this for about a year now, and its gradually got worse, where it started out as i couldnt go away from my home town, as my first panic attacj was away on holiday with friends. Then it creeped to not being able to eat in restaurants, i could still go out and get taxis home, but then i couldnt leave home without knowing my car was outside and i could leave at anytime. but of course if i wanted to drink this couldnt happen. i got a boyfriend at this time, who was soo supportive. But now i feel its got a bit dangerous, my dependance has fallen on him, so if i want to go out his car is outside and i know he'll leave at anytime for me. And it was great at first. I now (after thinking it was never possible) at uni. but i commute with him. I know if he wasnt there i never could. and although i love him, i often have feelings that i want to be with other people and have fun and crave for the free exciting life i once had. but i know i wouldnt ever leave my house. Im only 19 and feel sooo trapped, its horrendous. I do love him, and i know it is terrible for him, but he doesnt think theres a problem. But if i did end it, i would sacifice university and a lot of my life. I just know i couldnt do soo much more. This is the worst ive ever felt. It feels like im living a lie. and its all down to agrophobia. None of my friends know this, and ive been screaming to let it out. Im not a nasty person, but i feel so. Its incredibly selfish. but i know my life would be nothing otherwise, and unis so important to me. Please help, anyone whose felt anything like this before..as like all my other friends havent a clue and think "oh shes just a bit nervous alot". which im sure you've all experianced.

Anyway, this is now a novel. so if youve managed this far, thankyou for the time, and feel free to leave posts.
Lillia

 

[Amiyumi]

You're not a bad person, if you still love him you cant be using him. Maybe you feel he guilty he's doing so much for you, or scared he has control? Relationships can suffer with things like that, I don't know what you mean by a bit dangerous, if you meant anything by it. Just try and relax and take one day at a time at uni, you don't have as much freedom as you want, but wait till you get stronger. You should work on making yourself stronger while you're there and try getting over this. Try and talk to him about what you want to improve about yourself, things that will help you get better. If you don't want him anymore, you'll have to find ways to sustain things yourself, that way you'll loose the dependance, which should be your first priority, for his sake too.

Also, try and make some close friends, you'll feel less dependent and maybe you could move in with them, even if just weekdays or weekends, you'd be closer to uni too.

Hope everything works out for you.

 

[NotCreepy]

I've been mildly succesful by taking small steps. Each day, go just a bit further, try just a bit harder. Console yourself. Think in the positive. Don't say "it is getting worse", say "I am improving everyday". Fake it until you make it. Yes, this is a lonely life, but you must start by being your own best friend. If you had a friend who constantly discouraged you then most likely you wouldn't stay friends for long. Same goes for what you are saying to yourself in your head (be a good friend to yourself in your head.)

Yes, I know... (you caught me) This is much a rah-rah speech for myself as it is for you (smile.) I just needed to see it in print. Hope this helps.