Too scared & anxious to approach the girl you want!!!!

[TooShyShy]

What do you guys do? How are you feeling the moment you are ready to approach her..what stops you really?

What runs through your minds when SHE is around and SHE tries to talk to you???

You want her, you KNOW SHE WANTS YOU but you can't do anything - why???

What is it exactly? Shyness, Anxiety, Low Self Esteem..all of the above?

Looking for little insight here for a fella i am crazy about!!!!!!!!!

I am shy myslef but i am willing to get out of my comfort zone a bit to help him along.

He has come along way; he does say hello alot now..likes to say my name, walks by me alot to sometims over and over again and does hang around me..sometimes when talking to others, watches from afar, walks behind me sometimes even, likes to stand near me, sometimes looks like he wants to say or do something but he doesn't!!!

He always looks at me with this frightened look on his face..can't smile or relax when we talk BUT YET he can relax, smile and speak to all the other women around him. So i know its me!!!

How can i help him???? I want him 8O


Thanks.

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

To start...I find your post very inspiring. The reason for that is YOU gave me hope...hope that women out there like you exist.

I will try to answer your questions, but sometimes it's hard to answer....


What do you guys do? How are you feeling the moment you are ready to approach her..what stops you really?

What stops me is that...

I feel I'm not good enough for her.
She can find a better guy than me, a guy who's confident and outgoing.
I feel like I don't have anything to offer (even tough deep down I know I'd love her more than anything else...)


What runs through your minds when SHE is around and SHE tries to talk to you???

I get scared
I over analyze everything (I say or do)...obsess for hours, replaying all our moments we had during the day in my head, and trying to guess if I acted right or not for each situation...

I try to remain as "cool" as I can around her...and when I show signs of nervousness that I know she notices, it makes me extremely embarrassed.

You want her, you KNOW SHE WANTS YOU but you can't do anything - why???

If I think I'm not good enough for her, I'll never be able to convince myself that she can possibly like WANT me, unless she comes out and just says it.


What is it exactly? Shyness, Anxiety, Low Self Esteem..all of the above?

All of the above.



I hope this helps you understand a little better.

And if I may ask, what are the things that make YOU want HIM ? How would you describe him ?

 

[TooShyShy]

Thank you so much for your response



He's very sweet, polite has a great smile...loves kids!!!!

He has the qualities i want in a man. It doesn't hurt that he's physically my type either...lol...but when you get down to it, he's a gentlemen! He will hold doors open for me, help me out anytime i need it and always be willing to do anything i ask.

I have heard for awhile from other people in the building that he clowns around alot, h'e silly, immature, etc. I find that hysterical bcuz i dont get that side of him..i get the shy, sweet, polite boy whom i adore BUT i would love to see his silliness as well!!!! I LOVE FUNNY GUYS!!!!!

I have seen it with others, he gets everyone going. He has a great sense of humor but if i didn't see him interact with others..i wouldn't know it!!! He's so serious with me..can't smile alot of the time unless he tries, meaning its an exxagertaed smile!!! Is that nerves too??? One second he has a stone cold look on his face then he turns for a second and as soon as i am ready to say something HE GRINS FROM EAR TO EAR and it just looks so uncomfortable for him bless his heart!!!!

I notice he also takes deep breathes before we talk. He has to prepare alot before he approaches me as well. He'll wait to approach or initiate and he stands away from me just thinking about what he'll do, i guess..and i can see he's thinking something..then he may come up to me to say hello..but most of the time he will say it (use my name--is that a big deal???) and then QUICKLY walk away!!!!! With everyone else he stops and laughs and chats!!!!!!!

I asked him for his email at work a few days ago so i can get him info alot quicker I DON'T HAVE EMAIL WHERE I AM IN THE BUILDING BUT I KNEW HE DID so i asked. I wasn't sure he'd say yes BUT HE DID its his work email but i don't mind I THINK ITS HUGE FOR HIM to give it to me. And anyway i heard many peole check work emails at home as well.

What was sooooooooo adorable about it was he gave it to me SO QUICKLY i told him he could leave it in my mailbox when he had a chance, he was in the middle of something when i asked, do you know he went right away to write it down and place it in my box..within 10 minutes i had it!!!!

That blew my mind--is that a good sign for a shy guy???? I didn't even think he'd go for it. I thought he'd make an excuse to not give it to me but my friend at work said she didn't thunk he'd EVER SAY NO TO ME for anything.

I wasn't expecting him to give it up so quickly. I thought he'd wait, do it hoooooours later, maybe the end of the day..or possibly the next day even.

Do you think that was a good move??? I want to email him tonight actually.

Don't know if i should say something of a personal nature??? Maybe ask about his wekend????


I don't want to scare him off!!!!!!!



Tell me what you think...thanks again

 

[bleach]

Haha, this is a cute thread.

Anyway all I can say is, if you want him, then go and get him! Asking for his email was a good idea I think, next I think you should ask him out and see what he says. Based on what you are saying, I think he will say yes, but there is only one way to know for sure. I think it is great you are taking such an active role in pursuing him also, because women don't often do that, and also because it can help reduce your own shyness. Even if he says no I think you should not let it get you down, because it still takes a lot of guts just to put yourself out there to be rejected. It shows your personal strength that you are willing to do that. And if he rejects you it probably has more to do with his own life than you - he may have insecurities too deep, and may not have the courage yet to risk rejection himself. But I think you should ask him out anyway, you have nothing to lose and plenty to gain, right?

 

[toothpastekisses]

.......................

 

[TooShyShy]

Thank you so much for the responses and all the encouragement.

I just emailed him about an hour ago. Its his work email that he gave me (as soon as i asked i might add) so chances are he will get it when he gets in tomorrow morning. He gets in before i do. Unless he checks them from home????

At least he knows i was thinking of him today =)

I figure it can't hurt..right???

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

Keep us up to date Tooshy...

 

[YehudaN]

Men have a preprogrammed Fear of Approaching women

Hey there,
all the stuff said above is cute but it does not really help you understand the program nor get over it....
Let me help-
I am a dating coach..yadda yadda, just listen up.

Men have something called Approach Anxiety. There is a crippling evolutionary fear that men have of approaching a woman.
The reason is because a million years ago we lived in 50 person societies. So out of the fifty 25 were women, take a way too old, too young, not attractive, too sick, already with a bf or baby and a man would have about 3 women that he could have sex with and mate with to have a family.

So lets say he goes over to one of the women, he messes up and then she tells the other two girls and he never gets laid.
Or he hits on her, doesnt know she has a bf, he and his friends come and fucking kill him.

So for a man to approach a woman, in his mind, is tantamount to risking his life.

So the way to get a guy to come over to you- make him very comfortable...send him VERY clear signals that if he comes over to you he will not be shot down....
Look at him, catch his eye, smile and maybe even motion for him to come...raise both your eyebrows and smile- this will make him feel comfortable enough to come over to you!
If he doesnt, you can always walk over, hit him over the head and say, "pay attention to me"

Lots of more info on facebook group Styles of the Mind.
Check it out.

 

[TooShyShy]

Well, i emailed him last night and he told me today he got it.

He let me know after seeing me a few times, he passed by me maybe 3 times before he got up the nerve to say he recieved it. He appoached me to tell me...i was walking to the ladies room and he stopped me.

I said that i was glad he did and that i would keep him informed of any new info i recieved..he said "Ohhh ok, thanks" i could tell he was really nervous!!!! He didn't smile at all!!!!! He also had dry mouth very badly!!!!!

After that i saw him a few more times and he seemed less shy, alittle more at ease and we made eye contact a few times...he even hung out in the cafe where i was for a bit.

What do you think? What should i do? He didn't send a reply from the email by the way..he just let me know in person he got it.

I asked him in the email to let me know he recieved it..how he let me know i left up to him and he chose to tell me in person.

I was glad he spoke to me in person BUT i would have loved to get an email from him to

 

[TooShyShy]

Anymore advice???

Sadly, i am considering giving up on him. I thought the email would break the ice a bit, it seemed to make him more shy around me now.

He is still trying to be around me alot, he knows my schedule but is not saying anything AT ALL to me except that he got my email...his shyness is winning unfortunately!!!!!!!!

 

[dan_e]

Hi TooShy. He may not want to email a reply with anything too personal for fear that others might see. Especially at work!!! Or he's just at a loss for words. Keep approaching him in a friendly manner. Say hi. Ask if he wants to join you for lunch today. Invite him again later in the week (even if he said no the first time). Prod him if you need to. The more chances a reserved person has, the better. I wish people would give me more chances instead of "oh she didn't reply, I won't talk to her anymore." Maintain contact and build rapport. You may be pleasantly surprised. :wink:

 

[TooShyShy]

Thank you so much..i am rethinking my giving up on him.

Its just so hard. I have made several attempts to make him comfortable and i really did hope the email would help some. It was business but i threw in a few personal items..things that he and i joked about. He was just so nervous when he approached me to tell me he got it, actually since i have sent it he's become more shy, but yet he still comes up to me..at least he did to tell me he recieved it and then later in the cafeteria he hung around alot..and he didn't order lunch, just hung out!!!!!!

I am hoping the long break we had bcuz o fThanks giving gave him time to think about me to =)

We'll see what happens tomorrow.

 

[Ffej]

Some comic relief:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuawRGElHoo

:lol:

 

[artsychick7]

To start...I find your post very inspiring. The reason for that is YOU gave me hope...hope that women out there like you exist.

I will try to answer your questions, but sometimes it's hard to answer....


What do you guys do? How are you feeling the moment you are ready to approach her..what stops you really?

What stops me is that...

I feel I'm not good enough for her.
She can find a better guy than me, a guy who's confident and outgoing.
I feel like I don't have anything to offer (even tough deep down I know I'd love her more than anything else...)


What runs through your minds when SHE is around and SHE tries to talk to you???

I get scared
I over analyze everything (I say or do)...obsess for hours, replaying all our moments we had during the day in my head, and trying to guess if I acted right or not for each situation...

I try to remain as "cool" as I can around her...and when I show signs of nervousness that I know she notices, it makes me extremely embarrassed.

You want her, you KNOW SHE WANTS YOU but you can't do anything - why???

If I think I'm not good enough for her, I'll never be able to convince myself that she can possibly like WANT me, unless she comes out and just says it.


What is it exactly? Shyness, Anxiety, Low Self Esteem..all of the above?

All of the above.



I hope this helps you understand a little better.

And if I may ask, what are the things that make YOU want HIM ? How would you describe him ?

everything you do here, I do too (it made me small and chuckle, I mean it was exactly the same. ^u^ and I feel the same-but I'm a girl-and like guys, so if you just replace all the shes and such its just like me ^0^)

 

[TooShyShy]

Well, i find him to be very sweet..not at like the typical macho man i have dealt with in the past...and frankly never felt comfortable around. They were very cocky and really into "themselves' i can tell he would never be that way with me. That he would treat me a special way.

He is that way with me now in the sense that he treats me very differently and shows me a different respect 9he won't tease me and cross the line like he does with others) he's timid with me and is always 'careful" whe i am around even though we are not together - i hope this makes sense. He is always trying to put his best foot forward and makes sure he says hello everyday and is always holding doors open, showing concern, etc.

I am shy myself so its refreshing in some ways to be with soeone who is not a cave man..but its also difficult bcuz he is obviously VERY inexperienced with women and doen't seem comfotable making any moves..other then just showing up where ever i am and ''watching" me.



And i remember when i first saw him..i thought he was my type; quiet, very cute (he's tall - 6' 2'' or so, good build, nice smile. big eyes, etc.) but i noticed he was veryshy when i would try to talk to him he became unbelievably shy with me..more than i had ever experienced before with a man. He's inhis late 30's so i was surprised that he was this scared.

I also noticed he wasn'tlike this with anyone else. I actually saw his personality when he was with others...funny, personable, playful, always joking around, etc. almost kid like.

But with me he was very gentlemanly--always holding doors open, very kind, ALWAYS willing to help me if i need it..but still verrrrrrrry quiet and shy with me but i don't mind it at all..i actually became more attracted to him as time went on. He also became more intense with me..staring alot, going out of his way to be around me and i just saw that he was trying to work it all out but it became VERY obvious to me that he also suffered from anxiety and that it was a major battle he needed to fight and continues to fight!!!

I really like BOTH sides of him. I just wish he could relax around me and also be the funny, kid like guy he is with everyone else.

If he could just relax enough to let his gard down a bit i could take it from there..he just has this wall up that he can't seem to get around.



Thanks for your post

 

[TooShyShy]

I just read an article on avoident personality disorder. I guess shyneess and anxiety along with being avoident go hand in hand.

So being afraid or intimidated by the girl/guy you are interested in is normal for some.

Its just sad if you can't do ANYTHING to show her you really do want her attention and don't want her to walk away.

That if you could, you'd let her know.

Its like beating your head against a wall..for both of you