to my new love and to my old love.
Dear Ruben,
I know you probably have read whats above this message. This is my own personal space to work out problems and think without anyone judging me. Its quite nice. So don't judge me. There are a few things you should know before you make your choice. To be honest..everyone wants a clean house, and i know i could currently have one but i just dont feel that my energy is put to good use when i clean it. Of course its sanitary and stuff always gets done within the week but thats really the reason for it. Its just not high on my priorities to have a spotless house. I'd rather play with the kids or make them do it. Witch is nice cuz they actually do clean the house for me. Next on the list. I have no problem with the way i dress, thats just you. I want to look and feel like i'm from arizona. Short skirts, tank tops, flip flops in the summer. The only things i would change right now about my self is my coat (which is disgusting) and i need to get my hair cut and dyed. I don't need a whole lot of fancy things to be happy. I will get new clothes when my kids have beds to sleep on and my kitchen has more than one fork (which i lost lmao). I have been without a car, cable, and occasionally a phone for the past 6 months. I have realized that people need to sacrifice for their dreams. One of the reasons i think you don't get very far is the second you get a stable income you go to stanleys get cable buy a new phone and eat out everyday. Where as i don't and usually have money. With or without you i will be living without luxuaries until i graduate because the money can be better spent. Oh yeah and i hate to tell you this but yeah the sex is ok but its still married sex and its too quick, thats why i get off so quick is your working it too fast. I enjoy married sex but id rather have sex thats not. but our physical limitations do play a role in our sex life. I have big manly grizly bear hands and you have barney hands. your as close to a hobbit as they come and i'm an amazon woman who could break your back. We probably arent going to ever have perfect sex. But it will get better when i get smaller and you can pose me like a gumby doll. you can barely grab my hip bones like you used to and ride me. I miss that. well right now my belly gets in the way too. Other than that... We will have what we both want as soon as we can get and afford it. I think you are lazy myself and want everything right now and don't know the meaning of patient perservearence. The only thing you have ever waited longer than a month for is a baby and your income tax refund. Not by choice though because you were forced. so trust me you have changed alot for the better, but in my opinion are not there yet. Oh yeah one more thing.... Your morals and values are not clearly defined and to be honest. I don't know what your capable of or if certain things came up which choice you would make. If you don't define them soon you will become set in your ways before you know it. If i promise something or say i'm going to do it. Weather i like it or not if people are counting on me i do it neways. Very few times have i had to back out for moral reasons. Your not horrible at it because sometimes you suprise me in how responsible you are with the kids and jens kids and pretty much everyone in the world but me. :evil: i just hope that the problems you have with me i can fix. I am working on forcing myself not to shut down and to tell you when i'm about to so you can do something about it before i do and leave you with no knowledge of why i am just a pissed of pouty chris who wont talk and shrugs off every issue and blames you for it. That was a big problem. I think i'm better with the dicipline with the kids than you are so ha...can't get me there. I would like a cleaner house. I do keep dishes and laundry up now. I do keep my house stocked with supplies now (like tp, dish soap, diapers wipes and pull ups) i have sytems in place for spills and laundry hampers. The kids know to put their coats on the couch and their shoes by the door and they put thier dishes in the sink. Even zoey picks up her toys. As do the boys. all their toys go in their spiderman tent. my room stays pretty clean because i put laundry up when i get home from doing it. I can see a big change from oologah in having my own place. My biggest issues right now is not cleaning my dishes after i rinse them off and taking the trash out because its cold and i'm lazy. Keeping my blanket and pillow off the couch when i'm not sleeping on it. But no bodys there to nag me about it or tell me what to do so it's kinda different. Ok now that you know what id like to change and what about you bothers me. Id like to tell you what i'm afraid of. I'm terrified of my obgyn and going there without you. Im scared of what ryan thinks of us and what he might tell jen. I scared of you leaving me for good. I want you so bad ruben. to kiss you to hug you. I miss the way you comforted me and looked at me when i cried. I miss you bossing me around and how annoyed you would get when i was being a dork. I miss how you would beg me for stuff till i gave in (every damm time). The way you held our babies and looked at me when i was in labor. Or the look on your face when you find out what were having. When you cried with me everytime i got an epidural. it made the pain go away. all those first baths with our kids that i missed because i wanted them to be a special thing just for you. I wanted to see it so bad...never told you that. How upset you were in april when i miscarried, I seen the look in your eyes and how bad you felt for us and even though it was me going through it you made losing a child together a part of you too. I miss the way we would sit on the couch and eat brownie alamodes until i felt sick just cuz they tasted so good. And even today you can still remember all my favorite foods and know what ill be like in every situation before i do. That is something only you can do because you truly love me. I never can predict you and to be honest, i don't want to. Id rather get the surprise of what would ruben do everytime something pops up. I mainly just want you to know. I love you, i am in love with you, i never stopped loving you. All the memories in the world wouldnt replace the fact that your a great person and i always will be amazed by you. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to get to a place when i don't need you, i want to need you. I want to show you how much i love you. Hold your hand, kiss you, buy you stuff outta the blue. Tease you with my camo skirt and don't worry ill buy another bra like that cuz i miss it too. i want to feel comfortable when we touch eachother and not tickle eachother all the time and if we were together i would work on figuring out what exactly you want as affection and how we should make love to enjoy every minute of it for the rest of our lives. And when the kids grow up, i want them to be pimp and suave like you. Please don't marry jen. I love you ruben and i want and need you back for the rest of my life. alright, the rest is up to you now. Who's it gonna be?.............Bye
