Tilting at windmills

[schist]

Too often I feel like I'm fighting a constant uphill battle against imaginary enemies - like I feel like people really do not like me, even though they act like/reassure me that they do.

A couple of weeks ago, I turned 22. I received a total of about 60-something "happy birthday" messages on Facebook - must count for something, right? Instead, I still feel alienated from everyone. I seem to meet a new girl every weekend or so, yet I still feel ugly. I can't relate to the majority of people - I've had a distant, aloof demeanour ever since I can remember, as a result of certain life experiences, and this prevents me from being able to click with a lot of people. Other friends of mine can seem to make friends as if it were nothing, even the self-proclaimed "shy" ones.

I've come to realize that a lot of the persecution I feel is a product of my own twisted, cynical imagination. And I want out. I have a psychologist I talk to, she's been a family friend for years and is someone I can really trust. She's tried convincing me to change my outlook on people and on life. I want to, but I know I cannot.

Anyone else ever felt like this? How have you dealt with it?

 

[planemo]

I know how it feels. Trying to convince yourself to change your thinking is difficult, especially if your thinking has been proven to be correct by encountering bullies, rude inconsiderate people etc. You're not alone, most people on here know what you're going through... So don't feel too down or that your situation is hopeless.

 

[schist]

Well, when it comes to making new friends, I can try to do all the usual stuff (taking an active interest in that person, being polite/friendly etc.) to the best of my ability, but still only receive a lukewarm response, whereas other friends of mine can pull literally the exact same trick and yield positive results. I don't understand - I don't believe there is anything wrong with me as a person, and I am not a stalker/serial killer/rapist/other unsavoury character, so what gives?

As far as the whole apparent persecution complex goes, it's almost getting to the point where it's becoming a delusion and requiring urgent help. I realize now I'm my own biggest threat. I'm literally driving myself insane trying to figure people out!

 

[3lefts]

Why do you know the word windmills? Or tilting or stars or dark or feeling. The actual words themselves.
How did you learn what things were called? How did it start? Your mother continuously saying "mommy" in her presence until you began to repeat her? Some one else? Do you ever look up a word to find it's meaning? To better understand?
You see, the world we live in, is a world known by words, and words we learn by what other people tell us they mean. Those who write dictionaries, or those who you go to school with. When we are born and grow up, we are taught to learn and believe what things mean but what we are told.
That is the only reason bullies seem so convincing. And the exact reason we are lost wondering what the truth really is.
Tell yourself something and that's what you'll be. If you say people don't like you, even if they reassure you, they themselves will start to believe it because that's what you are telling them. That's the way we have been programmed.
Change is necessary, refuse it and of course you will go insane. No matter how many times you change, no matter the perception you have, you're still the same person, and you'll still think it the way your brain is capable of thinking. Changing your perception, really isn't anything. It's just changing your direction when you are walking.
Find something to want and go after it. Find something interesting, you'll understand people the more you are around them so experiment and get out there. Open up your chances to meet people you'll connect with, not just get along with.

 

[theslowesthand]

Ever heard the phrase "You create your own reality"?

I would suggest trying "go with the flow" of who you really are, rather than trying to "fake" it (using various "logical" methods). I totally gave up on that game a few years ago (at least early 30s, probably in 20s). Try to strive towards being your "authentic self". Don't try to fight the TRUTH of how you view people - accept it, embrace it, go with it, and then if necessary change it. But always work with the truth, not your desires/wishes/goals/expectations. You "can't go wrong" with the truth. People can see through what you're doing/saying (& even thinking), and "see" what you're really FEELING (that you "dislike" people, or are comfortable with them; ie they are "working with the truth" of how you really feel about people). So unless you can change your TRUE FEELINGS towards people...
How you do that, will most probably involve your THOUGHTS (among other things) - if not CHANGING them, then "TWEAKING" them.
I'm certainly no expert in people, but i don't think you can MAKE any person/s "like" you. They either do, or they don't. PERIOD. And maybe you can change that, but maybe you can't.

As far as delusional, persecution complex goes, you become what you repeatedly think about - basically it feeds/fuels itself. The only way out of that fiery labyrinth, is ... you guessed it, your THOUGHTS. But what may not be so apparent, is that these "thoughts" are not just the ones you are consciously aware of, but also your UNCONSCIOUS thoughts. To beat this demon, i strongly suspect that BOTH of these types/levels of thoughts will need to be addressed. HOW is the tricky part...

 

[Minty]

Yes, I feel like this often. Especially the inability to click with others. When I'm hanging out I can see my friends lose themselves in the conversation. I can see them getting excited about the topics and almost losing sight of their surroundings. They know how to joke and laughing comes easily to them.

I'm so self-conscious that I never lose myself. I'm so focused on following social cues that I over-think every action and become awkward. I end up laughing at jokes because other people are laughing, not because I think they're funny. I think that's a lack of connection and it disturbs me sometimes. Like I'm behind glass.

I love people but I don't have fun with them. I'm envious of how easy it is for people without SA to have fun or be interested in other people. My anxiety takes precedence over everything else.