Throwing up and crying arent the greatest combination

[HeadFace]

My stomach feels like it's gonna kill me. And I admit right now my eyes are hella watery.
I dont know if a lot of you noticed, but I've talked about a best friend that let me.
Guess what I found out today?
Everything was my fault.
I feel numb right now, too. I am the biggest failure I know. I wanna kill myself, I feel like I dont deserve anything now. I'm tired of hearing people telling me to move on. I hate being pestered and being told what to do, even though I act like I'm satisfied with it and do it anyway.
Yeah, I stabbed my best friend in her back after she gave me another chance. And I found out today what I did.
It took me this long to figure it out.
**** I hate explaining but there's not really an alternative.
She meant the world to me.
No, I didnt have those feelings for her. But she made me feel like it was okay to be myself. She was/is the closest thing ever to me, and now she'll never take me back. Really. If I died tomorrow my only wish would be for her to forgive me. I'd do anything for that but no matter how hard I try she won't accept me back.
And it's still my fault. I'm the one who ruined the chance she gave me. I really want to die. I feel so numb. I dont know what's keeping me from dying. And I have no idea why I'm telling you guys this.
I think because I can identify with people being depressed here.
God I feel terrible... I feel like I need a therapist at this point. I wish I could tell someone who cared, and I wish I could tell someone who could make it all better. But there's no one like that. And there never will be again...
I dont even know what I'm asking of you guys. I just needed to put this out there.

 

[HeadFace]

-300th post-
Sorry but I just needed to do that. Ha.

 

[HeadFace]

Any company is appreciated...

 

[carecrab]

I know how you feel. I had a friend who took his life, and i never even knew why.

People often say you'll get over it, but i believe someone on these forums said something like this: ' you'll never get over it because you will always have those feelings for that person, getting overthe person would mean that you wouldn't care anymore about him/her' People can be very blunt about this. But you've got to learn to accept the fact that she is gone, as hard as that can be, i know.

it sucks when the last moment/conversation you have with someone is something negative. It makes you wish you had acted differently. But honestly, Do you think she wanted you to be sad? I think she would want you to lead a happy life.

And there are people who care, even when sometimes you feel like nobody gives a ****.

 

[upndwn]

Every now and then there comes along a very special person in our lives. A person with which you feel more connected to than anyone else you've ever known. Although I can't ever understand exactly what you are going through, I can relate to your situation. I've done stupid things that's ruined great friendships and opportunities, and yes when you do, you just want to crawl up into a corner and die.

How harsh it may ever sound, while you will always remember that person, the bad stuff mostly goes away after awhile but the good memories will remain. As someone who's been through similar situations several time I feel that I've become jaded to the horrible gut wrenching depression that follows. I do think as we grow older and have more experiences we get better at putting things in perspective and our expectations lowers.

Maybe in time the wounds will heal and you can become friends again. Or maybe you'll meet someone else. If you feel you need help I strongly advice that you do. Depression is a serious thing and should not be trifled with. I hope you get better soon. Stay strong and don't dwell on the past.

 

[Feathers]

Hey HF,

Sorry to hear you feel bad. It actually means you're a very caring person and good friend. I'm sure you didn't want to 'stab her in the back', or anyone else, for that matter...

People can sometimes see what we do differently from what was intended.
A good friend sees that good intentions are important too.

Maybe she'll cool off and forgive you in time. Maybe she won't, and you'll find other good friends who will appreciate your good intentions even if you mess up.
Everyone messes up sometimes. I know I do. And things can be misunderstood...

Many people can be 'perfectionistic' and only want 'perfect friends' or 'perfect people' around them, or to be perfect themselves... Nobody's perfect though.. I sure have had big trouble with perfectionism, and had trouble with people's 'mistakes' or my own, or different opinions or such too...

Conflict resolution is not learnt in schools, so people deal with conflict in different ways... Some 'explode', some hide in a cave, some go off travel the islands for three years...

Wouldn't it be a shame if you did something silly today, and in 3 years - or 3 weeks, your best friend could be back, saying she thought about things and now forgives you? Or even better: understands you didn't really mean it and it was an 'accident' and misunderstanding?
Or you might find another best friend, or a few?

You are still young, and I'm guessing your friend is very young too. It takes time to learn what it's like to be a really good friend, and it seems you both knew a lot about how to be a good friend, but you are still learning... Forgiveness is something that isn't easy to learn sometimes, especially if there are 'hot buttons' that have been pushed, things someone may be sensitive about, though other people maybe didn't see it important or relevant at all..

My friends have sometimes made me really upset, and sometimes I broke contact with them too.
Other friends I know didn't speak for years sometimes between themselves... and now I see them friended up on Facebook??
So things can be mended over the years, you both grow up and see things differently etc.

Or maybe in time people may get bored and start missing each other, so they get into contact with someone again.. I'm pretty sure you're a good person and good friend, so anyone who has you for a friend is very lucky.

It seems like she's still hurt, so give her time to heal... Maybe work on your skills in other areas, if you now know what the problem was, try to figure out how can you learn from this so you wouldn't do the same mistake again?