Thoughts coming back :(

[melbell]

I was diagnosed with OCD about 7 months ago have been on medication and seeing a therapist regularly since then. things have gotten a lot better. My intrusive thoughts are much less frequent and i can more or less go about my daily life without that feeling in the pit of my stomach/ impending doom feeling. My main obsession is that i have HIV, one main incident in particular that happened almost 9 years ago. I have been tested 3 times (one of each possible HIV test) and the most recent being in october (it was negative). I have been with the same boyfriend for almost 7 years now, no new partners, both faithful, in which case most people would be happy to know they are healthy and have a great man . . . . so WHY CANT I?

the thoughts crept back into my head today, i cant concentrate on schoolwork and finals are next week. I was driving home from school on an alternate route than i normally take and i passed the clinic where i got tested the second time and all of a sudden the rush of panic hit me and i started thinking about that fact that i have HIV and im going to die and my boyfriend is going to die because of me. I battle in my head back and forth all day today that im fine and then i tell myself im not fine. i go look at the paper that shows my blood count and negative result and for a few minutes im ok but then it comes back. I have been through this so many times, the recurring endless cycle of happiness and pure depression. I just hate the thought that this is always going to be a part of my life and i feel like i will never truly be able to live my life and be completely happy because of this stupid OCD.

i keep telling myself that what if i dont have OCD, and i actually have HIV and the tests are wrong? like i am the one exception. I want to talk to my boyfriend right now about it, he is really supportive but i just dont want to bother him and make him sad along with me.

When i just ignore the thoughts or think of something else, i feel as though i am being irresponsible by ignoring it and that i need to be worrying about it, likes its my responsibility to do so.i guess i just need some support, thoughts, anything right now cause im feeling helpless and alone again. im afraid i will never get to have children, get married and have a normal life, and that i should just leave my boyfriend so he can be with someone normal and not get sick from me . . . i just dont want to think about this anymore.::

 

[melbell]

i feel you! It sucks so bad, to know your being dumb about it but at the same time believing everything you tell yourself. What is even more crazy is that i have researched high and low on all the facts of HIV, yet i STILL think i have it. My friends husband got in a fight at the bar the other night, and the guy bit his finger (some fight, i know!) and she was all worried he could have gotten HIV and i was like " there is no way he got it, unless the guy who bit him had a bleeding mouth and even then, it is SO unlikely that the blood got into his cut and even if the blood did get in his cut, it is still so unlikely he could have contracted it even if the guy was HIV positive. Now, why cant i just take my own advice? why is it different when it is me and i havent even done anything to get HIV? Its all SO annoying. And when i finally get over the HIV thing, something else comes along, its like my brain always has to worry about something.

 

[fudgy]

the thoughts crept back into my head today, i cant concentrate on schoolwork and finals are next week

Would this be the factor maybe in why the thoughts are creeping back ? The very natural and common worry for many approaching their finals. Its a fact that stress triggers "episodes" in ocd sufferers.

You have to just give yourself a Minuit and remember how you got through it last time and let it calm down in your mind.

 

[melbell]

thanks guys! Yeah i think your right, i know stress does seem to trigger my thoughts or makes them worse than normal, it just sucks because i need my whole brain this week!

 

[christinecanada]

AIDS was and still is one of my biggest fears. I feel for you. My last exposure was to attend the gay pride parade. Not pleasant, but it helped.

 

[davidandme]

I was diagnosed with OCD about 7 months ago have been on medication and seeing a therapist regularly since then. things have gotten a lot better. My intrusive thoughts are much less frequent and i can more or less go about my daily life without that feeling in the pit of my stomach/ impending doom feeling. My main obsession is that i have HIV, one main incident in particular that happened almost 9 years ago. I have been tested 3 times (one of each possible HIV test) and the most recent being in october (it was negative). I have been with the same boyfriend for almost 7 years now, no new partners, both faithful, in which case most people would be happy to know they are healthy and have a great man . . . . so WHY CANT I?

the thoughts crept back into my head today, i cant concentrate on schoolwork and finals are next week. I was driving home from school on an alternate route than i normally take and i passed the clinic where i got tested the second time and all of a sudden the rush of panic hit me and i started thinking about that fact that i have HIV and im going to die and my boyfriend is going to die because of me. I battle in my head back and forth all day today that im fine and then i tell myself im not fine. i go look at the paper that shows my blood count and negative result and for a few minutes im ok but then it comes back. I have been through this so many times, the recurring endless cycle of happiness and pure depression. I just hate the thought that this is always going to be a part of my life and i feel like i will never truly be able to live my life and be completely happy because of this stupid OCD.

i keep telling myself that what if i dont have OCD, and i actually have HIV and the tests are wrong? like i am the one exception. I want to talk to my boyfriend right now about it, he is really supportive but i just dont want to bother him and make him sad along with me.

When i just ignore the thoughts or think of something else, i feel as though i am being irresponsible by ignoring it and that i need to be worrying about it, likes its my responsibility to do so.i guess i just need some support, thoughts, anything right now cause im feeling helpless and alone again. im afraid i will never get to have children, get married and have a normal life, and that i should just leave my boyfriend so he can be with someone normal and not get sick from me . . . i just dont want to think about this anymore.::

With OCD most of our fears are not real. These fears are usually a creation of an OCD mind. The more you can ignore OCD fears the better you will be.

 

[christinecanada]

easier said then done....lol

 

[davidandme]

easier said then done....lol

I know , but it is the only way. You want to get rid of the fear of AIDS? Go and hug somebody with AIDS. This is called exposure. Without it you will never get rid of OCD fears. I kissed the word "AIDS" on a computer screen I was scared but I felt better afterwards.