Tasemi
Member
Ahem, Hello.
So, this is my life story.
I am 21 years old Bulgarian I think I didn't have any problems with my social life until I was like 13-14. I grew up in Bulgaria in an (at that time normal) family with average income and up to that point I was really outgoing and everything.
But then I started to get obsessed with computer games, I spent a lot of time in the computer clubs with some friends at the beginning (cause we could not buy one yet), and then my parents bought me and my bro a pc after we nagged them for quite a while.
When we got the computer I stopped going out and spent most of my time playing games (at that time this seemed like a fun,reasonable and cheap alternative to pass the time). My friends use to come to call me out all the time but I was too obsessed with the pc. Soon one of the most important things in my life was the game i played.
I remember I got really bad with girls in that period of isolation(in the last year of primary school when i transformed into a geek
, some of the prettier girls in the class started mocking me about not giving them any attention and that was painful for me so i guess thats why i completely ignored most girls in middle school) I didnt even greet or talked to them(we had only 4 girls in my middle school class, and i was not going out much outside of school),and when i was i could not talk and i didn't know what to talk about with them in our company. And i didnt feel comfortable with the group i was going out with(we talked about the game we played mosly, cause there was nothing else happening, but we had girls as well).
My grades in school decreased (for a short while) cause I wanted to achieve my in game goals. My only friends were my classmates cause we spent quite a lot of years together in middle and primary school.
The only thing that motivated me was to buy a new computer or accessories for it and in the summer i was working to buy computer parts and stuff.
There was a girl i fell in love with(now i think i made myself fall in love with her, cause i didnt really know her when that happened) in school and i could not talk to her(a girl introduced us in a club but the music was loud i didnt know what to say and i left embarrassed). I was getting more and more desperate cause i didnt know how to get her to like me(and school was close to ending). I found out her home phone number i called 2 times but her parents answered and she wasn't home so i didn't manage talk to her(it is creepy i know).
At an excursion in the last year, i wanted to talk to her again i was next to her but i didnt muster the courage to do it. And here is the painful part, on the way back i was desperate that i would not see her again so i stared at her a lot and she did notice i stared at her in the bus (i wanted at least to see her as much as i can for last time).
I felt really bad about it later and it still is kinda painful to think of.
After graduating middle school I found out that most of my friends spread out to different universities so it wasn't like before having fun every day at school.
I was getting really depressed and i started to realise there is a problem. I was anxious when i was outside, i was sweating even when i was standing still among the people in the park (i was thinking they are watching me and are wondering what i am doing and stuff).
At that point i figured my problem is only with girls and i started reading pick-up literature, that helped me a lot and i improved i started talking to girls i had girl friends for the first time when i signed up English philology at uni (it was mostly cooperation at university and we went out several times but i was not feeling natural in groups).
I also started training really heavy bodybuilding in the gym and i was really in a good shape, that boosted my self-esteem and helped me a lot.
I tried to "pick-up" few girls it didnt work out well but it was a lesson, i felt terrible when i didnt make it the first 2-3 times(then when i thought about it more, i didnt really care if i got the girl or not, i was hurt cause i DID NOT ACHIEVE MY GOAL and i really HATE LOSING ANYTHING, i'd rather not try than lose - thats my big problem prolly). I didnt have any money to buy good clothes and stuff and to take girls out and stuff cause my family was poor so i decided to freeze pick-up for a while.
I forgot to mention that when i was like 15-16 my mother started drinking and became alcoholic, she was giving us serious problems, she argued with my father all the time, hid alcohol all over the house. It was a big pain to live with her, she harassed me and my brother and my grandparents(we were living in a big 2 floor house me and parents on the 2nd floor and my grandparents on the 1st floor). When they argued i had either to go out( and i was a loner i didnt want to) or go more introvert into my pc game,animes and movies. I was sick of this, it was like hell. I was afraid to bring friends home cause she might get drunk and scare them away.
And when i was 18 at a birthday party when we were all drunk(i was very drunk i could barely stand) outside in the park i got beaten up by 5 men(that we later found out were known to the police offenders) and i spent around 3 days in the hospital(i was lucky there was no permanent damage). But that made me even less outgoing.My friends didnt help me, the police didnt help me, i thought about getting revenge later on but then i didn't want to, i thought- we have too many idiots, beating up one or two of them wont change that and it was not worth it to waste my energy beating them up anyway.
I think that changed me a lot(or maybe it was something else i'm not sure) but i became really detached. I almost never cry(only to movies such as V for vendetta) not when my brother was crying when my folks were fighting and not even at my grandfathers funeral(and he was a really good man). I was and kinda still am mentally detached.
So getting back to girls, i had girlfriends(not sexual friends but we were talking at uni and helping each other,before i could only dream about that, for me that was big progress) and i got along well with most of my classmates in my course in uni. But in groups i was feeling empty, like i dont belong, so i preferred not to get involved into too much socializing cause it was not fun for me.
At uni i had a girl i liked and at the start(when we met) i think we were going fine i was helping her in studies and stuff and we were talking,we had similar music interests and i think she liked me( when we met it was like 2 magnets attracting, i was helping her find books and stuff and we talked about music she was talking only with me and staying near me, but after few days i found out i have nothing else to tell her, i was empty, i didnt know what to say, i couldnt think of anything i could say. So i pulled back.
I had a goal, to become independent( to go away from this crazy family) at al l costs and to start my life anew.
So, i started part-time work and collected money for IELTS English exam and i studied really hard and when the time came i got 8 out of 9 and applied to uni in England (that was my plan for more than a year, and that was the only thing driving me forward, the only thing i could talk about cause i was not really going out, except for lectures and work and training in the gym - which was kinda occupying most of my time).
I felt like i am boring even myself, i was talking only about my plans and i was doing only stuff to fulfil them.
It was really boring working for the money for the IELTS english exam(i was typist - on a computer, again, and i was typing really fast, i still am). So i dated a girl to make my life more interesting, at the date i was planning a walk in nature(cause we have amazing nature where i studied) but it rained, i was not happy with my clothes as well( i was in bad situation and needed money for my exam, not for fancy clothes and stuff) and i messed up the date we went into a cafeteria, at the start i told her the few fun stories i had(but i was talking fast), then i ran out of fun stuff and i switched on my other favourite topic(i was really interested in politics,cause bulgaria is a country in really bad economic situation in the last 20 years and we were miserable cause of our corrupt politicians and ignorant population).
I flooded her with my dark thoughts about the future of the country and the people in it and we talked about 2 hours, at the end she was tired and had a headache, so we ended it i hugged her anxiously and basically that was it. She was a really honest person and she told me(cause i really wanted to know, that it didnt work out on the skype messenger later).
When i thought about it on the date i was trying to talk about fun stuff and she was talking only about her clothes and stuff(i was more excited listening to me than her), but i was still not happy i didnt reach my goal.
On the way back home i met another girl in a taxi and i got her phone and we talked a lot she liked me. She was living too far away(more than 3 hours travelling) so we only chatted and talked and became good friends and i found out i cant handle her as more than friend, and i was too obsessed with my goals to be distracted.
Next lesson i learned was not to talk about politics to girls on a date. I was reading more pickup books and trying to improve.
I got accepted in England to study Criminology and here i am now. Most of my stuff are going according to plan, i'm good in my studies and i like the subject
but i have money problems still, but when i start work ill be fine.
So i am not too good socially here as well, i have a big problem with touching people i dont touch at all even good friends when im talking i have to work on this. I'm finding excuses not to be social here too(and they seem really real to me).
I thought my social problems were just with girls but realised i discovered that my overall social skills are flawed and need improvement(cause i am generally avoiding people - before at school,uni, work, and in my flat now and at uni here when i dont have any work to do with them). I have to learn that a new cause i have been a loner for years. I'll read some stuff about that and ill improve from now on. I was a prisoner to my home when i lived back with my family in bulgaria and i feel the same is happening now in my flat here(cause i am doing everything i need for my studies at uni and socialising around lectures and stuff, but I'm trying not to spend much until i start working and that's my excuse for not going out socialising).
Long time i explained my introvert lifestyle with the fact that my zodiac sign is Scorpio and we are known to be obsessed with our goals and introvert but this is extreme,i have to fix it.
I am not sure that this computer obsession period was that bad for me cause thanks to it I learned English and I am where I am now. But i realise now that excessive dabbling in games, movies, tv and similar stuff is an escape from reality and escape from responsibility.
The hardest thing to do is to find out exactly what's wrong, in my opinion.
I'm happy i discovered this place to share my story, i know its a bit messed up but that's how the information is stored in my brain.
I don't know if anyone will bother reading all of this, but it was helpful to lay out my thoughts here.
So, this is my life story.
I am 21 years old Bulgarian I think I didn't have any problems with my social life until I was like 13-14. I grew up in Bulgaria in an (at that time normal) family with average income and up to that point I was really outgoing and everything.
But then I started to get obsessed with computer games, I spent a lot of time in the computer clubs with some friends at the beginning (cause we could not buy one yet), and then my parents bought me and my bro a pc after we nagged them for quite a while.
When we got the computer I stopped going out and spent most of my time playing games (at that time this seemed like a fun,reasonable and cheap alternative to pass the time). My friends use to come to call me out all the time but I was too obsessed with the pc. Soon one of the most important things in my life was the game i played.
I remember I got really bad with girls in that period of isolation(in the last year of primary school when i transformed into a geek
, some of the prettier girls in the class started mocking me about not giving them any attention and that was painful for me so i guess thats why i completely ignored most girls in middle school) I didnt even greet or talked to them(we had only 4 girls in my middle school class, and i was not going out much outside of school),and when i was i could not talk and i didn't know what to talk about with them in our company. And i didnt feel comfortable with the group i was going out with(we talked about the game we played mosly, cause there was nothing else happening, but we had girls as well).My grades in school decreased (for a short while) cause I wanted to achieve my in game goals. My only friends were my classmates cause we spent quite a lot of years together in middle and primary school.
The only thing that motivated me was to buy a new computer or accessories for it and in the summer i was working to buy computer parts and stuff.
There was a girl i fell in love with(now i think i made myself fall in love with her, cause i didnt really know her when that happened) in school and i could not talk to her(a girl introduced us in a club but the music was loud i didnt know what to say and i left embarrassed). I was getting more and more desperate cause i didnt know how to get her to like me(and school was close to ending). I found out her home phone number i called 2 times but her parents answered and she wasn't home so i didn't manage talk to her(it is creepy i know).
At an excursion in the last year, i wanted to talk to her again i was next to her but i didnt muster the courage to do it. And here is the painful part, on the way back i was desperate that i would not see her again so i stared at her a lot and she did notice i stared at her in the bus (i wanted at least to see her as much as i can for last time).
I felt really bad about it later and it still is kinda painful to think of.
After graduating middle school I found out that most of my friends spread out to different universities so it wasn't like before having fun every day at school.
I was getting really depressed and i started to realise there is a problem. I was anxious when i was outside, i was sweating even when i was standing still among the people in the park (i was thinking they are watching me and are wondering what i am doing and stuff).
At that point i figured my problem is only with girls and i started reading pick-up literature, that helped me a lot and i improved i started talking to girls i had girl friends for the first time when i signed up English philology at uni (it was mostly cooperation at university and we went out several times but i was not feeling natural in groups).
I also started training really heavy bodybuilding in the gym and i was really in a good shape, that boosted my self-esteem and helped me a lot.
I tried to "pick-up" few girls it didnt work out well but it was a lesson, i felt terrible when i didnt make it the first 2-3 times(then when i thought about it more, i didnt really care if i got the girl or not, i was hurt cause i DID NOT ACHIEVE MY GOAL and i really HATE LOSING ANYTHING, i'd rather not try than lose - thats my big problem prolly). I didnt have any money to buy good clothes and stuff and to take girls out and stuff cause my family was poor so i decided to freeze pick-up for a while.
I forgot to mention that when i was like 15-16 my mother started drinking and became alcoholic, she was giving us serious problems, she argued with my father all the time, hid alcohol all over the house. It was a big pain to live with her, she harassed me and my brother and my grandparents(we were living in a big 2 floor house me and parents on the 2nd floor and my grandparents on the 1st floor). When they argued i had either to go out( and i was a loner i didnt want to) or go more introvert into my pc game,animes and movies. I was sick of this, it was like hell. I was afraid to bring friends home cause she might get drunk and scare them away.
And when i was 18 at a birthday party when we were all drunk(i was very drunk i could barely stand) outside in the park i got beaten up by 5 men(that we later found out were known to the police offenders) and i spent around 3 days in the hospital(i was lucky there was no permanent damage). But that made me even less outgoing.My friends didnt help me, the police didnt help me, i thought about getting revenge later on but then i didn't want to, i thought- we have too many idiots, beating up one or two of them wont change that and it was not worth it to waste my energy beating them up anyway.
I think that changed me a lot(or maybe it was something else i'm not sure) but i became really detached. I almost never cry(only to movies such as V for vendetta) not when my brother was crying when my folks were fighting and not even at my grandfathers funeral(and he was a really good man). I was and kinda still am mentally detached.
So getting back to girls, i had girlfriends(not sexual friends but we were talking at uni and helping each other,before i could only dream about that, for me that was big progress) and i got along well with most of my classmates in my course in uni. But in groups i was feeling empty, like i dont belong, so i preferred not to get involved into too much socializing cause it was not fun for me.
At uni i had a girl i liked and at the start(when we met) i think we were going fine i was helping her in studies and stuff and we were talking,we had similar music interests and i think she liked me( when we met it was like 2 magnets attracting, i was helping her find books and stuff and we talked about music she was talking only with me and staying near me, but after few days i found out i have nothing else to tell her, i was empty, i didnt know what to say, i couldnt think of anything i could say. So i pulled back.
I had a goal, to become independent( to go away from this crazy family) at al l costs and to start my life anew.
So, i started part-time work and collected money for IELTS English exam and i studied really hard and when the time came i got 8 out of 9
and applied to uni in England (that was my plan for more than a year, and that was the only thing driving me forward, the only thing i could talk about cause i was not really going out, except for lectures and work and training in the gym - which was kinda occupying most of my time).I felt like i am boring even myself, i was talking only about my plans and i was doing only stuff to fulfil them.
It was really boring working for the money for the IELTS english exam(i was typist - on a computer, again, and i was typing really fast
, i still am). So i dated a girl to make my life more interesting, at the date i was planning a walk in nature(cause we have amazing nature where i studied) but it rained, i was not happy with my clothes as well( i was in bad situation and needed money for my exam, not for fancy clothes and stuff) and i messed up the date we went into a cafeteria, at the start i told her the few fun stories i had(but i was talking fast), then i ran out of fun stuff and i switched on my other favourite topic(i was really interested in politics,cause bulgaria is a country in really bad economic situation in the last 20 years and we were miserable cause of our corrupt politicians and ignorant population).I flooded her with my dark thoughts about the future of the country and the people in it and we talked about 2 hours, at the end she was tired and had a headache, so we ended it i hugged her anxiously and basically that was it. She was a really honest person and she told me(cause i really wanted to know, that it didnt work out on the skype messenger later).
When i thought about it on the date i was trying to talk about fun stuff and she was talking only about her clothes and stuff(i was more excited listening to me than her), but i was still not happy i didnt reach my goal.
On the way back home i met another girl in a taxi and i got her phone and we talked a lot she liked me. She was living too far away(more than 3 hours travelling) so we only chatted and talked and became good friends and i found out i cant handle her as more than friend, and i was too obsessed with my goals to be distracted.
Next lesson i learned was not to talk about politics to girls on a date. I was reading more pickup books and trying to improve.
I got accepted in England to study Criminology and here i am now. Most of my stuff are going according to plan, i'm good in my studies and i like the subject
but i have money problems still, but when i start work ill be fine.
So i am not too good socially here as well, i have a big problem with touching people i dont touch at all even good friends when im talking i have to work on this. I'm finding excuses not to be social here too(and they seem really real to me).
I thought my social problems were just with girls but realised i discovered that my overall social skills are flawed and need improvement(cause i am generally avoiding people - before at school,uni, work, and in my flat now and at uni here when i dont have any work to do with them). I have to learn that a new cause i have been a loner for years. I'll read some stuff about that and ill improve from now on. I was a prisoner to my home when i lived back with my family in bulgaria and i feel the same is happening now in my flat here(cause i am doing everything i need for my studies at uni and socialising around lectures and stuff, but I'm trying not to spend much until i start working and that's my excuse for not going out socialising).
Long time i explained my introvert lifestyle with the fact that my zodiac sign is Scorpio and we are known to be obsessed with our goals and introvert but this is extreme,i have to fix it.
I am not sure that this computer obsession period was that bad for me cause thanks to it I learned English and I am where I am now. But i realise now that excessive dabbling in games, movies, tv and similar stuff is an escape from reality and escape from responsibility.
The hardest thing to do is to find out exactly what's wrong, in my opinion.
I'm happy i discovered this place to share my story, i know its a bit messed up but that's how the information is stored in my brain
.I don't know if anyone will bother reading all of this, but it was helpful to lay out my thoughts here.
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