Delph
New member
This is my first post and also my first time even talking to anyone about my social anxiety so this post might be really long and some what of a rant about my life.
Im a 19 year old male and a sophomore at Penn State. Ive been struggling with social anxiety for about 3 years now. It just started getting really bad in college. Ive been "shy" my whole life and my father is the same way. sometimes i feel like its his fault i turned out the way i am but i try not to think of it like that, i believe you create your own personality and character. in grammar school and middle school i was popular jock and always had relationships with girls. i was still shy and people always said i looked angry but i talked to people had a great sense of humor and people liked being around me. From 8th grade till 10th grade (which is the start of high school) i had the same girlfriend. I think we became to close and i lost connection with some of my friends because i was with her all the time and i stress ALL the time. If i wasn't with her i was playing video games. I lost my best friend because i was so attached. We were young so we experimented a lot sexually, and when i did talk to my friends they didn't even no half of what i described to them. Hell i didnt even know what i was doing i just let her take over. We broke up in 10th grade which was the start of highschool. All 3 middle schools were split up and alot of people went to differnt high schools so i lost some friends. I had a core group of freinds throughout high school who i met through ice hockey and most of us played on the high school team. I played a lot of video games and my friends had to force me to come out. i really wonder why they still keep my around. I had a hard time talking to other people but my friends were very outgoing and always introduced me to new people but i found it hard to talk to them and once again became the quite kid and ive been that way till this day. Being quite in college is not normal, especially when you drink. i used to drink to come out of my shell and i found my self more talkative but that soon wore of in college. I find now that i drink i become more quite, i have so many thoughts, thoughts i cant even describe. I feel as if when i drink people are expecting something but it never comes out. my friends like to drink heavily and get very loud and very aggressive but me i stay quite and feel like im just observing and watching others have fun while i struggle to figure out what im supposed to do. Ive really discovered my problem when i moved into my own apartment with 2 of my best friends. They seem to be meeting people and girls, my friends try and help me out by telling people stories about me when im not around, and making it seem like im a fun and outgoing person. When i meet new people face to face i feel like i have to live up to something and most of the time i only talk to them for a few minutes and i never speak to them again. when i talk to people i feel embarrassed and almost scared and my mind seems blank at times than racing with thoughts at another time. I feel like im the boring depressed kid who people talk to just because they know my friends. i feel like nothing, im always tired, my voice is often very monotone, and i dont feel like a complete person i feel like my soul is missing and i don't have a personality. I honestly feel like im good for nothing and wonder why i still have friends when i contribute nothing. I think one of my main problems is my obsession with pot i used to have fun with it but now it seems like when i smoke my anxiety gets worse i feel like people are judging me and talking about me, but sometimes when i smoke alone ill sit down play a video game and have conversations with my online buddies no problem, but when someone enters the room i wont talk on the mic at all because i don't want my friends seeing my talk online more than i talk in person. I think i need to stop my thoughts plus this post is crazy long. if anyone dose read this wall of text, THANK YOU
Im a 19 year old male and a sophomore at Penn State. Ive been struggling with social anxiety for about 3 years now. It just started getting really bad in college. Ive been "shy" my whole life and my father is the same way. sometimes i feel like its his fault i turned out the way i am but i try not to think of it like that, i believe you create your own personality and character. in grammar school and middle school i was popular jock and always had relationships with girls. i was still shy and people always said i looked angry but i talked to people had a great sense of humor and people liked being around me. From 8th grade till 10th grade (which is the start of high school) i had the same girlfriend. I think we became to close and i lost connection with some of my friends because i was with her all the time and i stress ALL the time. If i wasn't with her i was playing video games. I lost my best friend because i was so attached. We were young so we experimented a lot sexually, and when i did talk to my friends they didn't even no half of what i described to them. Hell i didnt even know what i was doing i just let her take over. We broke up in 10th grade which was the start of highschool. All 3 middle schools were split up and alot of people went to differnt high schools so i lost some friends. I had a core group of freinds throughout high school who i met through ice hockey and most of us played on the high school team. I played a lot of video games and my friends had to force me to come out. i really wonder why they still keep my around. I had a hard time talking to other people but my friends were very outgoing and always introduced me to new people but i found it hard to talk to them and once again became the quite kid and ive been that way till this day. Being quite in college is not normal, especially when you drink. i used to drink to come out of my shell and i found my self more talkative but that soon wore of in college. I find now that i drink i become more quite, i have so many thoughts, thoughts i cant even describe. I feel as if when i drink people are expecting something but it never comes out. my friends like to drink heavily and get very loud and very aggressive but me i stay quite and feel like im just observing and watching others have fun while i struggle to figure out what im supposed to do. Ive really discovered my problem when i moved into my own apartment with 2 of my best friends. They seem to be meeting people and girls, my friends try and help me out by telling people stories about me when im not around, and making it seem like im a fun and outgoing person. When i meet new people face to face i feel like i have to live up to something and most of the time i only talk to them for a few minutes and i never speak to them again. when i talk to people i feel embarrassed and almost scared and my mind seems blank at times than racing with thoughts at another time. I feel like im the boring depressed kid who people talk to just because they know my friends. i feel like nothing, im always tired, my voice is often very monotone, and i dont feel like a complete person i feel like my soul is missing and i don't have a personality. I honestly feel like im good for nothing and wonder why i still have friends when i contribute nothing. I think one of my main problems is my obsession with pot i used to have fun with it but now it seems like when i smoke my anxiety gets worse i feel like people are judging me and talking about me, but sometimes when i smoke alone ill sit down play a video game and have conversations with my online buddies no problem, but when someone enters the room i wont talk on the mic at all because i don't want my friends seeing my talk online more than i talk in person. I think i need to stop my thoughts plus this post is crazy long. if anyone dose read this wall of text, THANK YOU
