there has to be more

[hotwheel]

I have been reaching out for several years, but because I believe most people want and mean to help only to escalate my serious, intense thoughts of giving up. I am generally an unhappy person, but not by nature. I grew up ALWAYS believing there is good in everyone. This belief stood true until 1997 when a person, not necessarily a friend, showed me the error of my belief by becoming an unpredictable jerk to ALL who crossed his path. I now realize he was a miserable lonely person; then thank God he retired. During and after this enlightening part of my life I continued to question myself and why I thought they way I did.
In 2000 I began to have thoughts of ending my time here on earth and searched for help almost immediately. Well as time went on I began to realize regular doctors and therapists know some, but not much about how anti-depression medication affects different people. There doesn't seem to be a way to tell what med will work when the another doesn't.
Here I am about twelve years later for some reason; still believing many people have their own agenda, notice I didn't write hidden agenda.
My dad died at 41and I have been waiting to go myself for the past five years. It's like I cheated death when I didn't ask for it. Any pain from the unthinkable does not matter to me because I know that particular pain will go away. Did I just start something? Before you begin....I do believe In the Holy Trinity and he knows the future. Unfortunately I don't know my future and when I am going to die naturally. I feel in my mind I won't last much longer....so Iguess I'm hoping to go naturally, that is if it is natural.
My thoughts have digressed into scarcasim and I use this to make sense of things when other peoples common sense isn't available. I am not happy wth my life...at all and I cannot see myself anywhere, at all one day from today. I mean I have appointments and all, but I cannot even see myself there until it practicaly occurs.
I won't proof read this because I know I won't send it if I do. And I'm sure you can see my thoughts are all over the place....but I can't help it...!

I'm sorry this isn't a focussed need and it's okay if nobody responds.

 

[Razzlecherry]

The way I look at the world is that none of us have a point to begin with. It took me a while, but I finally realized that no matter what I do or do not do, it will change nothing. Do what you enjoy. You'll get down here and there, but does that really mean anything? Even if you're traveling a road that seems foreign and hopeless, as long as you travel it with yourself, then you're going somewhere.

(Haha, I honestly have no idea what I just wrote.)

 

[BlueDays]

Well as time went on I began to realize regular doctors and therapists know some, but not much about how anti-depression medication affects different people. There doesn't seem to be a way to tell what med will work when the another doesn't.

Yes, it is unfortunate that the only way to find out which anti-depressant helps you the best is to try them until you find one that suits you. It is worth the effort as I would not be alive right now if it were not for the anti-depressant that works well for me.

I feel in my mind I won't last much longer....so Iguess I'm hoping to go naturally, that is if it is natural.
My thoughts have digressed into scarcasim and I use this to make sense of things when other peoples common sense isn't available. I am not happy wth my life...at all and I cannot see myself anywhere, at all one day from today. I mean I have appointments and all, but I cannot even see myself there until it practicaly occurs.

I feel the same way. I see people on t.v with cancer striving so hard to survive and I think, why can't I get a terminal illness? I would love to be given a "natural" way to die instead of suicide. I am just living from day to day because I have to as well. I have to hold on for family members, do you have family (apart from your father) that you have to stay alive for?

 

[hotwheel]

Yes Blue Days, there are others that I should live for....but does that make them happy?? You see I like hard liqure...not the affect so much as the taste. No kidding. My tolerance for it is extremely high. So I gave that up because it was expensive and getting me no where.having said this I'll say my wife and daughter were concerned about my intake of of the drink. Well...I did not give it up for them but to see if it was affecting the way I looked at life in general. I am here to say perhaps a little. I realized my general thought process is simply different than many I know and that is confusing to me. I don't know how to change it to make my life better. As I said ....I can't see my self in the future and that makes it near impossible to be much less act happy around people.I don't have any true friends because that word is sacred to me. A friend these days is just a leach of emotion. I can't even think about one thing for a minute before going to something else.