scardy cat
Member
Hello all. I'm new to this site 
So... I think I'm losing my mind... LOL, nice intro, huh?
I typically suffer more from depression, but I like to call myself a high functioning depressive. I do what I have to to get through the day but at the end of the day, I'm just in zombie mood and being mad at myself for how I feel. Well after a small crisis, I decided I didn't want to feel this way. It sucked, it hurt, and I didn't want to feel like that. I looked up therapist for a couple years before I actually went to an appt I made and not cancel. But my little crisis had me worried.
Anyways.
I've always been a social butterfly with tons of friends. Sorry if someone doesn't like that part. But after moving to a different state almost 4 years ago, that has completely changed. I never fit in, people point out my differences, my accent (lack of accent, if you ask me!), my style, how I'm an adult and never learn how to drive and didn't have my license at that time (I'm from a big city, I didn't need to drive AT ALL), how curly my hair is, etc. I'm still pretty confident because I like being different and I don't care what people say... but I think, subconsciously it's been piling up.
So now, I'm in therapy for my depressive moods and trying to figure how not to get so low when something happens. I told my doctor that I would prefer not to talk about the past, as I am someone who doesn't dwell in the past and just want to go forward and not think about the past. Not that there's anything to hide, but I just wanted, I guess, coping skills from here on. Well, therapy is not like that... Everything I've been confident about I now second guess. I'm completely unsure about everything and get completely overwhelmed by my thoughts. I can't think straight at all- I don't know what I'm thinking half the time. It's like 1000 thoughts all running through my head at the same time and I can't talk about them cause I don't know where to start A thought. I had already started developing a minor social phobia because of not fitting in, but I still tried to be social. Now, I completely freeze up if I don't know anyone. I get completely tense and it takes me a while to literally ease my muscles so I don't look like a stone statue. I'm also more aware of my social anxiety, when before I was able to ignore it. I question everything- my parents, my upbringing, my job, my decisions, my behavior, my flaws, my qualities. I try to think about what they mean and what got me to this point and what could I have changed, who or what is to blame, etc.
I'm seriously LOOSING IT HERE. I kinda blame therapy for swirling everything around for me. Or maybe I was just a ticking time bomb... Therapist thinks I most likely have an adjustment disorder, which makes a lot of sense now that I think about it. But I just want to be myself again. I want to get better. I also want to be able to function! I'm amazed I haven't lost my job at this point... The mere thought of tasks are overwhelming. I'm afraid to be alone because that's when my mind attacks me. But sometimes, the presence of people stresses me out. Even texting and calling friends and family stresses me out. I don't get it. WTF?!
Sorry for the length.
So... I think I'm losing my mind... LOL, nice intro, huh?
I typically suffer more from depression, but I like to call myself a high functioning depressive. I do what I have to to get through the day but at the end of the day, I'm just in zombie mood and being mad at myself for how I feel. Well after a small crisis, I decided I didn't want to feel this way. It sucked, it hurt, and I didn't want to feel like that. I looked up therapist for a couple years before I actually went to an appt I made and not cancel. But my little crisis had me worried.
Anyways.
I've always been a social butterfly with tons of friends. Sorry if someone doesn't like that part
. But after moving to a different state almost 4 years ago, that has completely changed. I never fit in, people point out my differences, my accent (lack of accent, if you ask me!), my style, how I'm an adult and never learn how to drive and didn't have my license at that time (I'm from a big city, I didn't need to drive AT ALL), how curly my hair is, etc. I'm still pretty confident because I like being different and I don't care what people say... but I think, subconsciously it's been piling up. So now, I'm in therapy for my depressive moods and trying to figure how not to get so low when something happens. I told my doctor that I would prefer not to talk about the past, as I am someone who doesn't dwell in the past and just want to go forward and not think about the past. Not that there's anything to hide, but I just wanted, I guess, coping skills from here on. Well, therapy is not like that... Everything I've been confident about I now second guess. I'm completely unsure about everything and get completely overwhelmed by my thoughts. I can't think straight at all- I don't know what I'm thinking half the time. It's like 1000 thoughts all running through my head at the same time and I can't talk about them cause I don't know where to start A thought. I had already started developing a minor social phobia because of not fitting in, but I still tried to be social. Now, I completely freeze up if I don't know anyone. I get completely tense and it takes me a while to literally ease my muscles so I don't look like a stone statue. I'm also more aware of my social anxiety, when before I was able to ignore it. I question everything- my parents, my upbringing, my job, my decisions, my behavior, my flaws, my qualities. I try to think about what they mean and what got me to this point and what could I have changed, who or what is to blame, etc.
I'm seriously LOOSING IT HERE. I kinda blame therapy for swirling everything around for me. Or maybe I was just a ticking time bomb... Therapist thinks I most likely have an adjustment disorder, which makes a lot of sense now that I think about it. But I just want to be myself again. I want to get better. I also want to be able to function! I'm amazed I haven't lost my job at this point... The mere thought of tasks are overwhelming. I'm afraid to be alone because that's when my mind attacks me. But sometimes, the presence of people stresses me out. Even texting and calling friends and family stresses me out. I don't get it. WTF?!
Sorry for the length.