the week i can't let go

[hardy]

my brothers wedding party. Functions everywhere for 3-4 days. 50-100 people gathering at home and 100's at function all the time. I tried to close myself in my room watching tv and using net. But , escape was temporary. Someone or the other comes up and the fear gives u a feeling that u r the worst human being to be alive.

I tell my bro i wudn;t attend the reception, but he wudn't oblidge. I have to go through the pain of being around 100's known faces feeling embarassed and the pain of guilt. So much fun. What have i done to be in fear 24/7? How can the god be so cruel?

I know i have made mistakes in life but what kind of punishment is this?The feeling of inferiority complex, the feeling thst one gets when a social phobic walks down the streets or anywhere not knowing where to look. What the hell is this? There is no solution. I'm here to suffer. I hate myself and people don't like me. wow, it can't get better.

self consciousness, guilt, self hatred, fear and what else. How can a person live like this? Read a lot of BS on net but nothing helps. Some say internet has everything, but i havent seen one case where a person has recovered from social phobia. I ignore those cases who take medicine and bang their head to feel alright for a while.
I wonder why i'm in such a mess? the viscious circle that has kept me from going out n enjoying a fresh breath of air without thinking about anything else. This life sucks.

I'm leaving home t'rrow in pirsuit of freedom. Freedom from suffering. I shall never return home until i get allright. Enough, i have been a fool all this time. I want to be like the Buddha , I'm on the quest to find the truth.

I have had enough embarassment answering people about what i do. I want to tell them i earned million dollars , had all the pleasures and then gave away my money to the poor. I want to see their faces. I want to see the bastards who dont understand my problem cry in front of me. They look upon me like im evil.

This world is too small hearted to understand pain of others. All they want to do is hate u for u can be anxious n make others anxious.

I love my parents who have been a force behind me and didn't judge me. They might have not helped me blossom like a normal child, but i wont forget their love.
I promise i wont turn back until i find a way out of suffering. I promise i shall come here when i'm free n tell u my story. I shall try, i may die, but i am giving 100%.

 

[Desolate]

Good luck on your journey hardy.

 

[autumn_82]

Hey, I know how you feel, and it's an awful way to live. Maybe reading books about others w/ SA would help somewhat? There was a book written by one of the contestants on "The Bachelor" which I really found interesting. It's called "Fear is No Longer My Reality" by Jamie Blyth. There are lots of other good ones as well. Type "social phobia books" in Google and it will give you a link for books Amazon.com has on the issue. They've got 20 pages of SA and SA-related topics from Self Esteem to Rejection issues, and relationships.

Having SA is difficult, period. There's no easy way out. It's hellish and frustrating to say the least, made moreso by people who don't understand it (though I probably wouldn't if I weren't going through it). I think all you can do is try and work through it one tiny step at a time. It took me years before I even addressed my problems, and years later, after having done lots of therapy, I'm still (very slowly) chipping away at SA.