pavnaxtion
Member
Some thoughts about popularity...
It comes down to a few key elements:
confidence--self-belief that you are worthy of being popular and liked. You were likely encouraged through positive reinforcement from your classmates in school and summer camp who gravitated toward you. You were owning the room when you were two so when you became twelve and people started getting insecure you were totally confident that you would continue to be successful with people.
getting in early--everyone starts not knowing one another. Popular people form connections early and this evolves into networks where they are in each one of them.
lack of shame/fear of failure--popular people can fail but they usually won't because they are so experienced. But the fact is they are willing to risk a lot more for instance making inappropriate jokes because there egos are strong enough to protect them and they are not consumed with suddenly doing something ackward rather they are constantly brainstorming ways of being even more likable.
Why we are locked out:
-we have no confidence: we weren't encouraged.
-we come in late: by the time we work up the courage people have their networks. You are a needy outsider and you are constantly having to try to form connections with people who are busy/have no need of you.
-we are consumed with shame and fear of failure--we are waiting to fail. We see it as inevitable and not in the way that everyone does it but in the way that it is the only possible outcome to any attempt at socializing. We discourage ourselves and fear even the feeling of fear in our chests and in our brains.
So its not really about learning to be more interesting--it's a mindset. Plenty of people less interesting than us are a lot more popular. Takeaway? Believe yourself popular (this is obviously an intense difficulty for someone with SA) Form connections in settings that lend themselves to them (requires attending events with strangers another intense difficulty), Don't even think about failing/the shame of rejection (I think this may be the easiest because it merely suggests you shouldn't think when you're socializing--but just socialize.)
Anyway, just some random thoughts to toss around. Sorry for the length for anyone who actually finished.
It comes down to a few key elements:
confidence--self-belief that you are worthy of being popular and liked. You were likely encouraged through positive reinforcement from your classmates in school and summer camp who gravitated toward you. You were owning the room when you were two so when you became twelve and people started getting insecure you were totally confident that you would continue to be successful with people.
getting in early--everyone starts not knowing one another. Popular people form connections early and this evolves into networks where they are in each one of them.
lack of shame/fear of failure--popular people can fail but they usually won't because they are so experienced. But the fact is they are willing to risk a lot more for instance making inappropriate jokes because there egos are strong enough to protect them and they are not consumed with suddenly doing something ackward rather they are constantly brainstorming ways of being even more likable.
Why we are locked out:
-we have no confidence: we weren't encouraged.
-we come in late: by the time we work up the courage people have their networks. You are a needy outsider and you are constantly having to try to form connections with people who are busy/have no need of you.
-we are consumed with shame and fear of failure--we are waiting to fail. We see it as inevitable and not in the way that everyone does it but in the way that it is the only possible outcome to any attempt at socializing. We discourage ourselves and fear even the feeling of fear in our chests and in our brains.
So its not really about learning to be more interesting--it's a mindset. Plenty of people less interesting than us are a lot more popular. Takeaway? Believe yourself popular (this is obviously an intense difficulty for someone with SA) Form connections in settings that lend themselves to them (requires attending events with strangers another intense difficulty), Don't even think about failing/the shame of rejection (I think this may be the easiest because it merely suggests you shouldn't think when you're socializing--but just socialize.)
Anyway, just some random thoughts to toss around. Sorry for the length for anyone who actually finished.
