the story of me

[NatRad]

i figured, im here, i might as well say who i am, and how i became me.

ive never really put my story down in words before, im not a talker, i most of this, is unknown to anyone else but me. im not expecting any great replies, pitty or applause from this. i just felt it might be time, to let things be said. i will write this, with out reading over it, with out proof reading it, if i think about this, i will have regrets and not want it to be known.

first off, ill say i come from good parents, however dont think i had a very good upbringing. i was always bullied at school, and on teh account that i was bigger than everybody else, and generally would flog the snot out of sombody if they provoked me enough, they use to always call me 'psyco' i never liked that and it was never said in a good way to me.

basically i think for many years of my school life, i had no friends, didnt want them, i hide from society, said very little, and never did well at school, i never tried through out my primary school, to the point were they sent me to special places for testing, although i use to fail almost every test, the special places said i had a above normal IQ and just never applied my self, i also had ADHD so i was medicated to the point were i wasnt me.

I still hid from society, was still rebelious against almost everything, i supose i think i became very aparnoid, every single person was out to get me, no matter how they approached me, i felt they would eithe rbe gathering intelegence upon me, to use more insults, or other methods of hurting me, both boys and girls, i treated this way. i was convinced, nobody thought anything positive about me, and that everybody hated me. thus i treated them with a lot of hosility when confronted.

i supose, this lead to my first suicide attempt, one of those things, nobody ever knew. i remember, after a really bad day, i would have been around 12 years old or so, i decided to take my shoe laces off, climbed a tree in some vacant creek lands, tie them around my neck and around a branch and jump from the tree. this didnt end the way i had planned it, only causing the shoe laces to break and me landing hard on the ground.

i supose things like this stay with you for a very long time, you can never get these thoughts out of your head, or the way of thinking.

i still remember, being alone, all through primary school, during lunch, i would go to the far reaches of the boundries, and stand their, not say anything, not do anything. didnt want anybody to even know i existed.

then one day, i managed to pass through primary school, with only repeating one year. now comes highschool, i still had this mentality to stay out of the way of people, due to my legacy of failures through primary school i was placed into the lowest of the low classes, and even had special classes, which i found halarious. i remember the first day they had some volunteer person come down thinking, i was some idiot who couldnt even read, brandishing a wheres wally book, i couldnt help but laugh, when i took some of the giant novels from the battletech series out the side of a phone book, and explained thats mostly what i did with my life read books. i kept these classes up basically as they were an hour a day away from the other students.

in highschool, i think i spent every spare moment in the libary, the school was pretty much overcrowded with no void areas for me to hide in.

i again, had a continously barage of bullies, and fights, eventually, they use to come at me in droves, because i use to continiosuly inflict heavy damage upon any person willing to try and take me on. eventually it got to the stage, were i never faught back, i would let people contionusly beat me, with out raising a finger to defend my self, im not sure why i did this, its left me with many broken noses, scars, concussions.

i think my attatude changed dramatically in highschool, i tried not to be confrontational with anybody, i respected the teachers, i learnt. i supose, this is turning point in my life, with the ADHD my mind was alwas a buzz, always wanting to do more like a child that wont sit still. I focused this to learning. it didnt take long, for my grades to improve from total failures, to having almost every test receive 100% grade, with all but english, which i think i still managed to be head of the classes i was in, which was nothing special. every trimester, i would be placed in a class above the one i was in, weather this was a reward, for changing people, escaping those in the class which were against me.

one of the things, i never did much of was talk, ive been told, this not talking, caused me to gradully build a speach impedament. i spoke fast, and cluttered my words, i was not easily understandable, any anybody who i had to speak to, i would have come across as retarded or on drugs.

it would have been about year 8 or 9, when things took a turn for the worst, with constant fighting with students although i think i never started any of them, i never went looking for a fight, still no real friends, i had a lot of difficulties with my family, i supose reflecting on this, my behavior, would have been stressing to them. I rarly spoke, all i did when i was home was watch movies, or use compters, and not the video game kind.

I supose while im on this subject, my parents brought a computer when i was about 4 years old, more for the use of the other family members, but i strived to master them, i became proficcient at touch typing, programing, basic hard ware and even using bbs back in the 80's before i was 10 years old. im not sure, if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

but i supose this brings to my 2nd serious sucide attempt, after a bad day, i think, i had gotten gang bashed by 3 or 4 people, and was in some serious pain, by this stage, my advantage of being bigger than everybody else was gawn, now i was seriously unfit, overweight, and my age advantage and early growth spurts were no more. they were now bigger, and could hit a lot harder. im not sure why, they constantly faught with me, weather it was for entertainment, or a social status thing for those who had beat me. but i think my anger was at a point were it couldnt be contained anymore, both school life and home life had broken to a point of total caos, i made the desision to end it, again, my family were noen the wiser that any of this was goign on, no warnings, no notes, i found a thick rope learning by my past mistakes, i climbed another tree, this time in my back yard, a propper fassion, a propper noose, fixd to a branch real good this time, this rope would not break, at a height, assured that would break my neck. I had researched this well. again, i found my self laying on the ground, after a great fall, with a large branch laying ontop of me. i could find no reason why this branch broke, i layed on the ground for hours, not knowing what to do. im not a religious person, i have no faith in anything, but i basically accepted, that their was some kind of fate, a destiny, a reason why, this didnt happen, that i was never ment to die by my own hands

 

[NatRad]

I think from this moment on, i made a decisive desiion that what ever reason why the above didnt work, i should continue on, i still had no respect for my life what so ever, if somebody put a gun to my head, i wouldnt blink or ague with them ending me. i think i still have that mentality.

by this stage in life, i had been on adhd medication for many years, it peered some serious side effects, causing me never to feel hungry, nausia, sleeping problems. all this, was to help me focus. weather its a placibo, effect or not, but its basically an amphetamine of speed, which had the opersite reaction but to slow me down.

im not sure how it came to be, but when i was required to, i would basically turn into a catatonic state, such as when i was on the hour long bus ride home from highschooo, i could stare blankly infront of me for hours, with out thinking, blocking out what the others were doing to me, which was often spitting on me, many of these fights, occurred on the bus.

this was probably my escape from reality, when dealing with people. i would still contionusly be online, predating th einternet, things were a little different, but still, i didnt have to see anybody or talk to anybody verbally.

i supose i had hormones of the regular type, being male, but beleiving the world is against you and everybody sees you as an elephant man, does have strange consequences. although i kept regular hygene, i never cut my hair, i basically didnt go out in public at all, when i wasnt at school, having long hair which was never really kept neet, did have some negatives, although i wonder if i did this on purpose, making my self look particularly ugly. i would not speak to anybody, not even girls.

i think my parents basically though iw as gay, because i never looked at girls, or anyhting like that, when mostpeople my age would have been into dating, but not me. i continiously got the its ok to be gay speaches from my parents. although ive never thought for a moment i was gay personally. not that theirs anything wrong with that.

probably from about the age of 13-14, my parents had taken me to see a psycolgist regularly, beleiving all my problems stemed from having no relationship with my father what so ever, to me he was just another person living in my house, much like the rest of my family, i had no relationship with them. i dont think i wanted anybody to know me, or anything about me, not even my family living under the same roof.

seeing a conciller, or psycoligist, and not saying anyhting to them, must of been a strange thing, i would answer questions with very brief short answers. i never saw the point of these, they use to just write scripts for adhd medication or what not.

on the subject, not feeling hungry is a strange feeling, i ate, but not feeling hungry at all, you never really wanted to go and have a meal when everybody else did, so i basically lived on junk foods, i ate for taste, nothing more, when your live is as sedate, as mine as a teen ager, all i did was watch tv or use computer, with the occassional walk into the bushland across from my house, and find a place to sit or stand, and do nothing for several hours. im not sure if anybody else, has been able to go into a trance like state for several hours with out moving from one spot,or having a single thought in their head. weather thi sis how people would describe meditation or not.


im not sure the reason fro my academic sucess was because i was contionusly fed tutiors on the side since primary school, to improve my grades, and when my grades improved, to the point of perfection i still continued on with them, it was nice, understanding advanced mathamatics, prior to being taut it in school. although i think my english did need tutoring, those subjects were always a struggle for me, mathamatics, history, even learning other languages i found particularly easy. with these things, their is 1 answer, with english i dont think their is any answers that are correct. maybe because a lot of things are how you feel. i was a robot, i dont feel, i dont think, their is only 1 answer, my brain only works on a booleen binary code, i dont speak to people,i dont think, i repress all human emption, i cant answer a question about how i feel about a phrase in a book. but enough of that.

i think im upto when i was about 16, i will leave it at this point for tonight. but will finish my life story of shortly.

 

[NatRad]

sorry for the delay, work and all, im just shy of 30 atm. Ill continue a bit more, but i just finished 13-14 hours of a row of night shifts, and its frigging cold, im shivering.

By about the age of 16, nothing much had changed, i had a few people, who i guess you could call friends, they would sit in the libary with me, and we wouldnt talk too much, like always, i would not tell anybody anything about me. Some of these people had been in my classes from primary school, they knew me, i knew them, i guess you could call this a friendship. i think they knew, i would protect them when shit, did happen, which i often did, and often prevented others from beating them up.

I supose i should mention my brother, he is the total opersite of me, even looks, im short, pot bellied, and well build wide shoulders, think of a gnome, thats my side of the family. and he is tall and lanky, He's 5 years older than me, thus we never really interacted, i refer to him as the popular one, as his entire focus was on his popularity through out his life. he would often black mail me, steal things off me, basically he played a bass guatar in a band, and was focused on girls and what ever the popular mimbo type people are intrested in. either way, when it came down to it, despite being 5 years older than me, i would and often did kick his arse when he started things. yet, he always seemed to get away with everything with my parents, have things handed to him on a golden platter, it always seems i got his left overs, and often blamed for anything he did wrong. he would steal my money, i would hurt him and take it back, i would get blammed for stealing his money and that i never had any in the first place, once he was done explaining it to my parents. either way, by the time i was about 16, he already had a girl knocked up and had left home. incidently, he is thick as a post, and although completed highschool, he never got a hsc as all he did was music and no interlectual classes. like i said, total opersite end of the magnet to me, thus we never got along.

Also in this stage in life, i let about 6 people give me a beating, people commented on for years afterwards, again i let them, i let them for a reason. i made that desision to take legal action this time, as i saw this as the only way to make things stop. people commented on how badly i was beaten up, and how i didnt do anything, they always wondered why i didnt do anything, people knew what i could be like, that, because i was a larger lad, that could dish out a lot more than anybody could give me, i also had 10+ years of martial arts training, one of the few things that kept my sain in doing. i think thats why, they came at me in 6. either way, i was even more unpopular, but people were wary that i had taken criminal action, by rights, when 6 people flog the living crap out of you until your unconcious out the front of a school, with 100's of onlookers chanting for them to do so. especially when their was no real reason, other than, apparently i had pushed past one of them that day in a corrodore. i didnt even block neverloan attach with this one, hence the beating. i still have some large scars. the plan did work, it did stop, and those 6 people not only had criminal charges, but were expelled from the school. an evil plan perhaps, but effective none the less.

although people still found me to be weird, and a number of unfavorable names being called to me, most of which was ninja, psyco, the ones i mostly remember.

i must admit, i was about 1 year older than every person in my class, this gave me one advantage, i could get a drivers licence. since i had played many a driving games on the computer, i found driving fairly easy, with in a short time, i had my provisional licence, my parents had spare cars, so i was on the road. this made me feel good, as i enjoyed driving.

around this time year 9-10, most of the pricks at school had either been kicked out, imprisoned, or given up and moved onto meanial non thinking jobs. i didnt have to deal with any bus rides anymore, i was doing well at school, too well, i was given many awards for first in many subjects for the year, i even entered some national computer science test, which i apparently came 3rd in the country for. things seemed well, so i decided to, try and be normal, i never felt normal, like a round peg in a square hole, it kinda fits, but doesnt quight look right. I decided to get a hair cut, clean my self up, pass my self off as one of the humans.

I supose this occurred after a dummy spit and actually speaking to my parents about subjects i was unhappy about, such as my speach, my horrid acne, my ingrone toenails which were preventing me from walking. a lot of these things, seemed to be unknown to them. which isnt that hard, since i hardly saw them, they were always at work, my father even went away for 3 months at a time working in some remote areas building houses. i should mention every school hollidays i was always dumped on my relatives, my nan and pop mostly, which i dont think was that bad. although my nan always said i was a very strange person she could never work out.

I reveiced surgery on my feet, to fix this problem, special medication for the acne, and started 3 years of speach therapy. The speach therapist was a nice middle age lady, who said the oldest person she ever had done speach therapy on was 10, since i was about 17 at the time, she thought this was humours. especially when i started giving her print outs of my speech patterns. the main advice, i had to speak, practice speaking and use utmost concentration, it would take years to correct my problems. every day, i was told, to go out of my way to have a 5 minute conversation with somebody, and rate my self, recording things down. so, from a person who seldom spoke and hid from society to making me find somebody and speak to them.

I was never very sucessful at this, i often frequented computer stores, in search for bargains. so i would try and speek to them. i supose doing this landed me, my first casual job, as a assembly robot in a computer shop, i was very good with working with computers after all, could fix them blind folded, although i never delt with customers very much. i had also taken on some advanced out of school hours classes in comptuer science and engineering science, since these wer eout of hours, generally early in the morning, i had plenty of free time during the day, which i was allowed to do with as a pleased, so i did speach therapy, weekly and worked in the computer shop for a few hours a day. i did get along well with the other workers in the small computer shop, i think they were glad, somebody could come in, and do a days work in a few hours. i liked doing this, i didnt get paid very much, if at all, but i enjoyed it, and it did give me lots of free computer parts to upgrade with constantly.

 

[NatRad]

When you Combine, somebody who has no respect for their own life, many video games, racing blood in the family, with a brain that turns over at the speed of sound. your going to have some fun.

driving became a passion, i loved driving, some of my friends, would come with me, usually to mcdonalds. or to school and back, as some were in my out of hours classes. we lived about 20 minutes out of town, so the drive in became faster and faster.

with my ADHD, i had to see a special psyciatrist, the dr one, as the medication i was on, from a certern age would only be authorised by one of these people, drug of addiction and common abused drug addict type drug after all. the dr was a car nut, and had a surgury about 2 hours away from us. one of my friends also had this same problem and required the services of the same dr, so he would come with me, one of the back roads, was a windy dirt road. one thing i discovered, i wasnt a bad driver, my dad in all his glory, did professional race driving a few times in his early days, as too my pop was a speed way champion. in the few times my dad would get in the car with me, when i was driving, he would pass typical comments like im doing things wrong, and tell me in a round about way what i should be doing, to go fast. i didnt have the fastest car in the world, at the time 1984 Subaru Leone, although it was my parents spare car, my dad had his own car and my mother got a work car, so this was basically my car.

So we would drive the wheel off this thing, doing road and rally, i supose one of the most intresting things i found out, was ADHD, in some people can make you see things in slow motion during fast cercumstances. i remember quight vividly, that during some death defying power slides, and accidents, things would basically stop in time, become very slow, giving me time to think, plan, and react to things better than other people. We would read books, watch videos, professional drivers, we would improve all aspects of my driving, my friend, who was a pretty good driver him self, although just a hoon, seemed to loose his licence pretty quickly, purposfulyl runnign down one of the said wankers from our school who was pestering him a little too much. so he became my navagator, although i think he knew, he couldnt do what i did.

He would start doing things for me, arranging illegal time trials races and things, on some of the backroads with other people at the school. it seemed i was unbeatable, although this greatly disapointed my friends, when i wouldnt let anybody be in the car with me when i did push it to its limits.

I think my father knew what i was doing, he sudenly would replace parts of the car with high end sports parts, show me how to tune, repair and maintain engines and cars. although he commented on my driving style, he never enquired as to what we were actually doing, but i know for a fact, he was a big time player in illegal drag racing in his youth as well. I think it was best, both my parents didnt know.

I still dont think, by this stage i had ever really had a conversation with him, he would pass comments at me, bitch and moan a lot about things i didnt do or did. i would mow the laws, wash the cars, and do things around the house quight often. i just came to realize, this is just who he is.

But, i think most people at school now, knew i was just a hoon, i think i looked like a normal person, blended in with the crowd, i dont think i had any popularity what so ever and was still mildly hated by everybody. I tried holding it back, but i never did feel normal, i still was paranoid about everything that moved. I think one thing that wasnt a godo thing, is since i never felt hungry, and had stopped most physical acitivites, like bicycle riding, my martial arts, school sports, etc, to concentrate on schoolwork, we would drive to mcdonalds every day for lunch, i had plenty of my own money and would basicalyl eat my self to feel happy. of course, this had a big consequence upon the body, i wasnt a thin person to start with, but i think i became fat, too fat and unhealthy. i would drive them to these food places, they usually wanted to go their, and who am i to argue, im just a fat man in search for some comphort foods.

I was still doing pretty well in school, doing my HSC, in year 11, i still topped most of my classes, but not always, a few of the classes i picked up were quight hard, like physics, engineering, and advanced maths. alot of these classes of course, i did not only to gain prospects for university, but because, the dumb wankers couldnt get into them, although very few were in school now. My mother, by this stage, had organized my career in computers, i think she influnced, or basically just told me what to do, i always had ambitions in law enforcement, i guess i just wanted to be some shit kicking thing that liked to help people. maybe it was a vengence thing, get to lock up all the bad people, why by now, were just pot head loosers with criminal records and what not, or atleast i hope they were.
I remember, one find day, when i was in year 11, i had just got my full licence, we had been doing well at the driving, i prettymuch could push my car to its full limits and then some, both on the road and in the dirt. by no means experts, we were still just teenagers. but, a local rally, part of the australian rally championship held an event, i think it was called the tinonee 500, 500km of hard rally racing on dirt tar and gravel, were they ran the professional ARC people through, then professional locals, and amatures wana bee's. My friend convinced me, we should do this, we did some research, all we needed was motorcycle helmets, a few ocky straps and pass screwterneering. we had saved our money up, and part of the stage, was our local dirt road we knew like the back of our hands. my parents just so happened to be out of town at this time too.

due to not having a race car with all the saftey gear, or any professonal experience, we were limited to entering some amature class they refered to as 'just cruising'. basically we were told, we got times for our amusement but it wasnt a race but the times would be entered into group C amature series still. we didnt mind, we just wanted to have some fun, with helmets, jump suits, pace notes, a few ocky straps and a fire extinguisher, we prepared the car. after the full week end of racing, we had a load of fun, it was dam tiring, and i think the poor old car basically had enough tourcher. we were told we had done some stupidious driving, and had placed 7th in the class c catagory unofficially, one of the people we had beeten by not so much, was a subaru mechanic, who also had the same car as me, however his car was heavily modified, not only to be twice as fast as ours, but roll cage and other safty equipment we didnt have. we were spoken too, i think it was a complement, but basically told how fast we had driven was stupid with out all the saftey gear. if only our times could be entered officially.

 

[NatRad]

after highschool, i received a slightly above average TER score, and went to a uni, Basically all the people i knew, i just walked away from, nothing was said, no good byes, no keep in touch. I went to a university to study information technology, the uni was far away from the town i grew up in and not a single person i even knew off attended the school. i didnt make friends again, and i think i spent about 6 months living off campus, just watching tv while going to lectures and exams. i was doing pretty good at the exams i think in most of the subjects, but eventually due to money troubles, i decided to move back in with my parents and study it by distance education. Since then my parents had moved to the goldcoast, so i moved in their. I spent the next year struggling by distance education with some of the subjects, mostly the management and english type based one, the actual computer subjects i continiously got 100% in. i eventually defered and attended a private computer college designed for people who know things to get qualification fast for the right price.

I seemed to always get a job interview, my resume did sound impressive with my computer knowledge, but for some reason, when people spoke to me, my speach impedament, i must of come across as a complete retard (parden the language) nobody would hire somebody who cant speak and when he does, sounds like hes on drugs. after trying this for over a year, with only mild sucess in gaining a few contract jobs, things became pretty depressive, i still never really socilized at all, i didnt drink, i didnt go out, all i did was stay at home. lack of funds made it difficult to maintain a car.


the car i had, was from a few years earlier, my parents had said they would buy me a car if i did good in school, so i got this commodore of my dads friend, anything that came from my dads work mates, was garanteed to be in poor condition, and this certernly was, it need a lot of work, which my friend who was good with electronics, helped me with, the entire electrical system was burnt litterally, it was lucky to still be drivable in its state. eventually, it blew timing gears, it needed a lot of work, which we sorta got good at fixing things. i remember once when it blew its first timing gear, my dads friend came otu and he were fixing it, i wanted to get my hands dirty, but my dad just kept telling me how stupid i was, and that i wouldnt understnad, i was about 18 years old at the time, and already had a half decent understanding of how to fix things. i just felt bad dealing with him, even if he did know what he was doing.

no friends, no human contact, no money, no outlook for the future, what would a smart man do with what he had.

I still had my commodore from highschool, although it did need some work, had some pannel damage, didnt look pretty. so i did the only thing i knew best, i decided to put some money into its performance, and attend the illegal midnight drag races and bet money to win races. i didnt like doing this, appart from being illegal, it had some high risks, the money i seemed to make just went back into the car. appart from that, i did it all my self with out anybody knowledge, previously, another person would do all the talking for me for the rally events we did.

due to the fuel prices rising significantly, and my work i was getting i was getting being somewhat an hour or two drive from were i was living, i thought i should buy a smaller car, something like a fancy hot 4 hatch back that all the popular type people had, since the commodore, was now a very thirsty and well known performance car on the street, people wouldnt race it, thinking it was what it looked like, slow and people knew it was fast, i couldnt trick many people with it anymore. admittingly it looked pretty poor, very stock standard, but when you have a blue printed strait 3.3l 6 cylidner motor with a supercharger under the bonnet, it went like a scald cat in a strait line. unfortuently, the motors power had well and truly exceeded its chassie limits, it was undrivable normally now, especially in the wet, the rear wheels would spin, no matter what you did, even at traffic lights, i had to put it into nuteral, as itwas automatic, even with teh brakes fully depressed it would still manage to light up the rear wheels at idle when it was wet.

Then she was for sale, however my parents were also buying a new car, and brought up the lets enquire how much it would be worth if we traded it in. so i drove it their and waited half an hour out side, expecting some bloke to come over, have a look at it. my mother came out and said we just traded it for $500 bucks. im like, er no, im selling her for $10,000 privatly, as thats what its worth. unfortunetly, the car was in their name,a nd they had already signed it over prior to speaking to me, the dealer, did not even look at the car, and was unaware of the $1000's worth of modifications under the bonnet, only that it looked crap from the window of his office.

what really really got me was the way my mother said it, she was like she did some wonderfull negotiating to get the 500 bucks for the car, I think i hit the roof then, of course the dealer wouldnt give it back now that he knows what he just landed. even unmodified, the car was worth about $4000 on market value alone, then their was over a grand worth of stereo system in the car, and all these other nice things i had put on, reall y expencive driving lights of rally cars, racing seats and harnesses, plush interiors, i kept her immaculate on the inside, and standard on the outside. ffs it even had 200 bucks worth of high octain AVGAS fuel in its long range tanks as i had filled it up the night before . this is what happens, when the car is in your parents name and you dont tell them what your doing, that and it broke down the day before so she thought it was bad, and i spent 100 bucks on some electronic parts to get her driving again, happens when you push the efi to its limits.

being about 200km from home, i just walked off away from everybody leaving all my belongings in the car that wasnt mine anymore. we didnt have mobile phones in those days either. sometimes you have a lot of special memories in your first car, thats yours.

it took me about 2 days to walk home, its not like i sleep, i didnt have any money on me other than some loose change i brought a big bottle of water with, or my wallet, or anything else that was useful. did i mention i was fat and unfit.

ive always said, i was just full of bad luck, this is just one from a long line of problems ive encountered.

when i did get home, my parents were baffled about why i behaved in that way, i didnt tell theme verything, but they tried to get teh car back, but no good. they said they would buy me another car, which the origonally said they would.

so, now that i had lost that, i had my parents slow hatch back, although it was only about 2 years old, it looked the part, called the extreem, they had a performance suzuki gti swift, and put all its cosmetic looks onto the standard level car, so all the looks, with out the performance. my father for some reason had brought this car for my mother, however my mother now had a work car, free of charge, so i drove this car around.

it became increasingly harder to even land the 2 day contracts for any sort of computer work where i was, i began offering my services free to places, to see if they would give me a shot andmaybe hire me, however most people just took advantage of this, free labour, with out paying them, and no negatives for them. i eventually in my walkings going from computer shop to computer shop, i had stumble across a local pizza chain with a sign out th front now hiring drivers. so i gave them a copy of my resume, the guy behind teh counter, was studying IT at uni while working their him self and was baffled with a resume this big, why id be asking to be a pizza driver. none the less i was hired as a pizza driver, from about lunch time to midnight, i would drive pizzas around the town, i would do the cleaning and preperation work when not doing this. for minimim wage. i also got a lot of free pizza. it was a good casual environment, people were friendly, their was some pride in delivery times, and i used my parents car, all i did was pay for the fuel and maintanance of it, driving 1-3,000km a week doing this, i worked 7 days a week, i had nothing else going for me. one thing this did, was it improved my communication skills emencly,

it was about this time, when i met a girl online, on an old program called ICQ. after talking to her for about 6 months online, she lived in a town near where i use to live, were my brother lived, he recently had his 3rd or 4th child, so my parents wanted to go down and see him over xmas. i thought id go down my self. not to see my brother who i didnt care about, but id see this girl.

so on Xmas eve, of 1999, i met this girl. Ive never had a date before, never even kissed a girl. and neither had she. she had problems too, with her family, we had a lot in common. we didnt go home we spent from lunchtime xmas eve until bout lunch time of xmas day, we talked, we watched tv, we went to the movies. it was fun. no nothing like that, i even shook her hand upon leaving, i now know, thats not what she wanted.

my mother in fear that the internet stalkers had just sold my liver, came around and fetched me, otherwise i would have stayed longer.

so, this girl and i saw, each other contiously, after that, we liveda bout 1000km apart, so we caught a train overnight to see each other every few weeks.

things were looking up, although, her parents didnt approve of me what so ever, they even said i was a looser, no hope in my life. and continiosuly encouraged her to leave me. this was almost sucessful.


my parents didnt really approve of her either. they got very annoyed that she came and stayed at our house often for a week at a time, sometimes two, or more. the goldcoast has some of the highest rental prices around, we couldnt afford to move out on our own, even though we looked and tried. She eventually moved in with us, and got her self a job doing graphic design for some shoddy advetising firm. not enough to live off.

her parents, eventually migrated to mid qld, now 1000km north of me, not 1000km south now. No train line, and she moved back in their, after the pressure from both our parents.

I thought to my self, what made me happy, when i wanted to be happy as a kid, what did i want to be. i certenrly didnt want to be an out of work looser IT professional whos now a pizza delivery driver.

Even though, my boss loved me, i even got employee of the year working their, mostly because iw as reliable, i turned up every shift, and would cover for others, working 7 days a week msotly, when ever id idnt go up to see this girl.

I had always fancied a career in law enforcement, i guess it was the kid type fantasee. I also wanted to get a motorcycle, even though my parents had always disapproved of bikes, not sure why, i guess since my dad had accidents on them maybe, he hadnt ridden in sometime now him self.

so i joined the gym, i lost about 60kg, i got fit, i saved up all my money and brought a nice near new Honda vtr250 motorcycle. then put an application in for the police force.

after about 2 years of training, i became a police officer, i got posted otu west in the deserts, i took this girl with me.

We eventually got married a few years ago, we now have a 14 month old daughter, and ive been in the police force for about 7 years now.

although my wife, was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, we are mostly happy together. their are times were i feel like i want to throttle her and ride off a cliff still, but we are still good.

I still have sports bikes, which are my sanity releif in this worlds highest stressing job of mine, although i dont race cars anymore, only pursuits.

my wife her self, is into scooters and loves my bikes, she loved bikes before she met me, although since she got pretnant, had to give them up, i brought her a nice fancy new wagon, which is pretty fast still. i havnt put her in this much since this is the story of me, not her. even though its now us.


so that is the story of Me, this may help a few of you, this may just be entertaining. my life continued, due to my own free will, somethings wernt sucessful, somethings were hard, they still are hard, i keep pondering if my suicide attempts had worked, maybe that was a big key turning point in my life, their have been a few of them i think.

somethings i havnt put in, somethings are a little out of order, somethings were more of how i perceived them, and may not be how others saw them or what really happened.

my parents did buy me a car, of another one of my dads work mates again that just appeared on the door step about a year after the trade in disaster, they paid twice its market value for a shitty peugeot 405 mi16, it was a very nice luxurious car, very sporty however being a french car it was just totally unrelaible and cost so much money to fix, they did ask me to pay half the money back, but eventually it was so unrelaible we exceeded its purchase price in mechanically repairs, after a few years, out west, their were no cliffs to push it off, so i sold it for the first offer anybody got for it, about 1/20 of what we paid for it, neverloan what money was put into it. i buy my own cars and bikes with out my dads assistance these days.

i still think my inlaws are wankers, although i think they do approve of me now.

my mother still doesnt approve my my wife, although they do get along better, i think its because they are both domanant females, and both want to be the apha dog.

i still dont get along with my brother, although my father and i have somewhat of an understanding these days.

i havnt shot anybody yet, nor locked up any of the people i went to school with, i purposefully dont want to go near were i grew up for that reason, both those may end up overlapping if it did happen.

like i said before, ive never put my life down into words before, a majority of this, ive never told anybody, ive kept it tucked up into the back of my mind, repressing all memories and emotions.

and yes i did repress a lot of my emptions through most of my life, until the point were i met my wife. i still think i have some anger issues, however i mostly keep ontop of them, certnernly dont want them to hurt anybody.

i think ive added most of the questions i think people would ask.

 

[NatRad]

i think sometimes you have to think about being a child to be truly happy, sometimes, you have to truly do what you feel like you do, deep down in side.

im not perfect, im far from it, my lifes not perfect, it started of crappy in my own opinion but it build who i am.

i still am depressed. ive been diagnosed with post natal depression since the birth of my daughter.

i still have anger issues, mostly from repressing my emotions too much.

ive always wanted to help people, this is why i wrote this, not only do i get it out for once, but i hoope somebody reads this and has a smile to them selves and thinks they can do better.