The Lost Thought Observatory

[Lostinthemusic]

I didn't like the name of my old journal so I started a new thread. This one isn't the best either, but I'm sticking with it.

A place to write thoughts as they come in order to bring them into better awareness and to recognize errors as they come. So feel free to point out errors if anyone is so inclined.


I know I can be a little self absorbed so sorry in advance to those who end up reading this. It is also largely just a stream of thoughts so some of it is likely to only make to me. Just wanted to give fair warning

 

[Lostinthemusic]

I'm realizing lately that it always seems to me that everyone around me sees me as a joke. I don't really think other people think much of me. There are a few exceptions whom(?) I see very rarely. They are the only ones I can talk completely, or at least mostly, uncensored to. I saw one today and it made me happy. But I was only reminded after getting home how distant my relationship to my brother is. He plays bass and I play drums, but we have never played together even though we now go to the same school. I suppose there is still time, it is only the beginning of the year. But I always get the feeling when I mention jamming that he doesn't really want to. I know I shouldn't assume like I am, after all, my whole problem is not reading social queues very well. Hopefully not too well, I'm not even sure what I would do then.


This is f**king ridiculous. If someone (most notably Clay, or f***ing Issac, who I hate to f***ing suspect) is hacking my computer FU*K YOU! Edit:This was not the case at all. I'm sorry for even suspecting these people.
How else does someone in Seattle get their youtube account on a computer two hours away. Especially after one's own roommate talks about hacking computers and shows one how the youtube account can be signed into "secretly"

And still I doubt myself. It is far more likely Cole was planning a subtle prank to make me think exactly what I thought above.
Of course when I ask about it I'll just say something strange or quietly and not be able to explain further and leave with the question still in my head making me constantly more paranoid about these small things. Unless it is a hack which is a F**King big thing.


All I want is someone to be with. Someone I can act natural around, not have to be confident around. Someone I can legitimately be exited to spend time with.
My doubting of what 'is' certainly doesn't help. One day I feel like life is the blink of an eye and the next it seems like an unbearable length of time.

ONe positive thing I have been doing lately is instead of seeing myself as a failure when I don't speak up I see it as the status quo, neutral, while speaking up is a success.
Its just really hard to not see that failure coming around the corner waiting to send me whimpering back to my dark hole.

At least I have music. Even if I can't find the balls to play what I feel like to my music loving roommates. Different styles, but still...I like their music, why can't I play mine? Failure is waiting. Failure is always waiting. Maybe that's what has to change first.
Well, no matter. If I can share it with you all that is a good first step. The detail oriented among you may have noticed I've shared very little music despite my username.
I'm going to try to do that more.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Oh yeah, going back to the school counselor tomorrow also. That always seems to help as long as I don't keep that itself from people.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

I still feel exposed when I post something here and it goes up on the main board.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Funny how great a therapist music can be.

Unless money is gone from my account or the youtube thing happens again I shouldn't expect a hack. That is a much too rash conclusion.

Still not sure of things, but I suppose that is a relatively common occurrence.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Every time I come to this site it feels like a failure because I'm falling back into a bad state of mind. I always feel bad for taking more time with my own problems than trying to help, or at least understand and read about, other peoples problems. I'll probably end up coming back, but it's reminding me of bad times. I'm not sure if I'll be back for awhile. Then again, every time I make some kind of commitment I automatically start finding ways to get out of them. Maybe thats not true, but it's coming to my head right now. And it might be true, I just don't really know because I don't know what I know.

I'm so tired of my rants that are so small and thinking they are rants and thinking rants are a bad thing. I'm tired of feeling this way. This always seems to be where my rants take me. The same old dead end again.

I can't tell if letting this stuff out makes me feel better or just more vulnerable.

Back to my main point, I can't talk about the one thing I really actually want to talk about because I just keep coming back to it. How is it I can have "superior concentration" and still keep making mistakes with this. I always just feel like everyone hates me for being weak or stupid or something else unreasonable, yet I keep coming back. When I'm sober I miss what I once had when I started. Now my phobia is magnetized ten times, but I keep coming back. Just had a weird coincidence.

Anyways, I'm tired. Blah, blah, blah blah blah...
I'll stop boing you now even though I'm writing for myself.

I'm not being as open here as I am in my journal, which I haven't written in in some time. I consider this a failure even though I know I shouldn't. Even though I know that this is a forum for these problems I still am opening up to people, which is still hard, as opposed to just opening up to myself.

The water on my screen magnifies the individual pixels. It's like a rainbow in an early Mario game.

Now this is truly rambling.

I wonder if this is hard to read with so many topic changes. How can I change topics in my head so quickly and still have superior concentration?

It makes me suspicious of everything. Including those things that were starting to make me feel better. Always the answer is just stop, but I keep coming back. Did I misspell keep before? Does it matter? Do I care? no not particularly.

Now I'm just kind of angry. Maybe just irritated. How can I resolve anger if I think I can't drum because people will judge me.

F**k, dude. I'm done, this is too much.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

I keep thinking that I'm hearing my roommates talk about me, specifically about the music I'm listening to, in some bad way. It's interesting because I keep thinking that I'm hearing it clearly when I can't even reproduce what was said. Plus the music is playing fairly loudly, which is partially what I would think they were talking about.

I didn't do anything today. I don't feel bad about it really. I just sat around with my roommate and did nothing. Mostly in silence, but it wasn't really an awkward silence. I really have no reason to think that he or anyone else would start making fun of me, and keep doing it for a long time, just because I'm playing Fela Kuti. Which in itself is a strange thing to get made of for. It's not like Fela isn't a cool thing to listen to; sh*t, I would argue he's better than James Brown. I understand if people don't like funk, but I can't think of anybody who is just absolutely repulsed by James Brown.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Just realized it would be super easy to see this from my computer. Whatevs I guess. I don't really consider it an intrusion. How could I if I'm writing on this site without clearing the history. I expect someone I know to read it. I write like that I'n my physical journal also. I may have even addressed a reader directly at some point. There are too many ways for this to end...

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Realized last night that I want people to know who I am even though I fear conversations and many types of interaction. I make it pretty easy to figure out who I am on this site. If you happened to know me in person you could probably figure it out if you spent the time.

I acknowledge that I want to be known for something, that isn't all that unusual in itself. But it puts me in a weird place when I act avoidant towards people. There is more to this but I'm not sure I can put it into words at the moment. This happens to be a problem in itself. I'm just really bad at being social. I wouldn't mind if I thought people understood that, but I often get the feeling that people just see me as stuck up for not being interested in them. It's like nothing changes until I make the first move to do something about it.

I'm tired of having all of these posts seem so similar (at least when I'm writing them). Tired of bull**** as always, but contributing to it myself perhaps more than anyone I see regularly.

I want a girlfriend. I want someone I can feel comfortable around. Of course the answer is always 'get out there more', 'try harder'. Sweet...

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Drumming is one of the few things I really enjoy, so why do I avoid it so much? I have an electric kit in my room an I use it only once a week. I want to be in a band, I can't neglect my instrument like this. I know part of it is self-consciousness. When I think I'm playing badly I give up immediately. This is one of the only things that got me through highschool, but I guess I didn't practice much then either.
No one has ever said I'm a bad drummer, no one has ever asked me to stop when I'm playing.

I wish I could get my band over more often. I wish I had the guts to call someone who was available more. I wish I had the guts to play what I wanted to and practice without being perfect even when people are listening.

The thing is that every time I complain about it, the worse it gets. It is an easy task. Part of it is the difference in musical tastes, but deep down I have confidence in my music and myself. I know this because I have seen it and felt it. I just have to bring it up from the depths.
Drumming makes me feel good. That should be all there is to it.