Ads7800
Well-known member
I would like to begin by apologising for the negativity of the following post. If you are trying to avoid down stories on this forum, click away. While we are at this point I would like to apologise for hypocritically telling others on this forum in the past to drop their negativity and take action in their lives; something I don't even do.
I've come to the conclusion that I may never amount to anything and that my weak will may continue forever and that if I don't push through the barriers of SP, then what the hell will my life be?
I can't kill myself! My family will be far too devestated. I remember watching Dr. Phil where this woman told the tradgic story of her son's suicide due to bullying, and I broke down.
But other alternatives seem, believe it or not, scarier. Cognitive Behaviour therapy where I have to walk right into it? Whoa!!
Psychotherapy that runs on for years and brings to the surface many home truths that have been known to disturb some patients and worsen their already chronic conditions?
A heavy regiment of drugs that can render you an emotionless zombie incapable of being independent because you can't even drive your car whilst on them?!
I'm paranoid about getting worse, but paranoid about attempting to get better and have put many offers on hold to avoid the challenge: "Wanna come to the cinema, five of my mates will be along as well", "Don't forget to be at our New Year's Party, you've missed 'em all so far."
One woman even asked me out, yes, an attractive woman asked me out, and I said no. I was too scared about the whole going out thing and I did not want to embarrass this woman by having her seen in public with someone like me.
I have two great friends who in the past have done their best to challenge me and have told me that if I ever lock myself up in my house that they will kidnap me and force me to walk the streets and go to shows. Even they and their acquantances are getting tired of the negative voice and don't do as much as they used to. And I don't complain about that, everyone has to look after themselves and can't baby you; I wouldn't want that anyway.
I do feel lost and misunderstood. That there really is no one with which I can connect and have meaningful conversations with on an ongoing basis, I even fear what my family may be thinking about me. That future relationships will be few and far between because I won't push myself to go out there and do what my clinicians say is the only way I will improve.
It's been eight years now. I hate it. It has to go away, it has to. But how? Where does the courage that success stories talk of come from? How can I trust that in myself I am worth the attention of other people and worthy of being in their company? And is that even so?
I've come to the conclusion that I may never amount to anything and that my weak will may continue forever and that if I don't push through the barriers of SP, then what the hell will my life be?
I can't kill myself! My family will be far too devestated. I remember watching Dr. Phil where this woman told the tradgic story of her son's suicide due to bullying, and I broke down.
But other alternatives seem, believe it or not, scarier. Cognitive Behaviour therapy where I have to walk right into it? Whoa!!
Psychotherapy that runs on for years and brings to the surface many home truths that have been known to disturb some patients and worsen their already chronic conditions?
A heavy regiment of drugs that can render you an emotionless zombie incapable of being independent because you can't even drive your car whilst on them?!
I'm paranoid about getting worse, but paranoid about attempting to get better and have put many offers on hold to avoid the challenge: "Wanna come to the cinema, five of my mates will be along as well", "Don't forget to be at our New Year's Party, you've missed 'em all so far."
One woman even asked me out, yes, an attractive woman asked me out, and I said no. I was too scared about the whole going out thing and I did not want to embarrass this woman by having her seen in public with someone like me.
I have two great friends who in the past have done their best to challenge me and have told me that if I ever lock myself up in my house that they will kidnap me and force me to walk the streets and go to shows. Even they and their acquantances are getting tired of the negative voice and don't do as much as they used to. And I don't complain about that, everyone has to look after themselves and can't baby you; I wouldn't want that anyway.
I do feel lost and misunderstood. That there really is no one with which I can connect and have meaningful conversations with on an ongoing basis, I even fear what my family may be thinking about me. That future relationships will be few and far between because I won't push myself to go out there and do what my clinicians say is the only way I will improve.
It's been eight years now. I hate it. It has to go away, it has to. But how? Where does the courage that success stories talk of come from? How can I trust that in myself I am worth the attention of other people and worthy of being in their company? And is that even so?
