endoflife
Well-known member
You know that feeling you get in your stomach after you've done something really bad at school, and a security guard walks into one of your classes, puts his hand on your shoulder and says "You are wanted at the deans office."?
Well, that is the feeling I have constantly now, among others. Also when I am alone now, I frequently start crying softly or almost crying ... for example as I'm typing this post.
I have been like that for a good part of my life but it has gotten worse just today, I fear permanently.
What started this?
Well, first a bit of background. See this thread I made:
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postt13346.html
You must at least read my initial post in that thread to understand what I am going to say next.
Well ... not surprisingly, summer school came and went, right before my eyes. A song I can relate to, System of a Down - Atwa.
It would not be to hard for you to guess what happened at summer school -- nothing.
I became a bit closer with the girl and she liked me, I know it. Constantly scooting her chair closer to me, sitting in her chair "pointed" at me, "accidentally" brushing or remaining in constant contact with my arm while using the mouse ... dreamily staring at me. We talked more, but being the pathetic loser I am, I never mustered the strength to get her e-mail address, phone number or any contact info
Today was the last day of summer school, she asked if I had a facebook, which I don't ... so I said no. She was very surprised and almost didn't believe me, because I had been so friendly with her she would never guess what a loser, recluse and anti social (due to anxiety) person I was. We got let out of class early today because it was the last day, and the buses were not there because of that, so I asked her if I could use her cell phone to get a ride home... which she let me, but was again very surprised to learn I did not have a cell phone, and even asked "well how the heck do you communicate???". I joked it off and said I was telepathic. In reality, I don't, at all.
After I used it and said bye, that is it. I will never see her again.
But wait, it gets more pathetic, if you can believe it.
God must have taken pity on my situation and given me a second chance, which, of course, I also blew off the map. Let me explain.
In the class I was taking there was ANOTHER girl that liked me (and it just so happened, the only other really cute girl in the class). I now do not believe I am unattractive but it has done nothing for my self esteem or the way I am feeling.
Anyway, this girl was also on the same bus as me. She came up to my seat and asked to sit next to me (!!).
Of course I said yes and we talked on the way home, about lots of stuff, and she also happens to get off at my stop, and we walked together until we had to go different directions.
She was not always on my bus but this then continued when she was. And it even progressed to the point where when we were off the bus and walking home, at the point where we went separate directions, we stopped and talked a bit more.
I also blew this, got no contact info at all. Fortunately she goes to my high school, but then again, so do another ~1998 people as well.
Well in short, right now I am feeling like UTTER SHIT. Riptor I reach out for you.
I am holding back tears reading the other thread I posted -- back when I had a good chance.
well, i'm done here
Well, that is the feeling I have constantly now, among others. Also when I am alone now, I frequently start crying softly or almost crying ... for example as I'm typing this post.
I have been like that for a good part of my life but it has gotten worse just today, I fear permanently.
What started this?
Well, first a bit of background. See this thread I made:
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postt13346.html
You must at least read my initial post in that thread to understand what I am going to say next.
Well ... not surprisingly, summer school came and went, right before my eyes. A song I can relate to, System of a Down - Atwa.
It would not be to hard for you to guess what happened at summer school -- nothing.
I became a bit closer with the girl and she liked me, I know it. Constantly scooting her chair closer to me, sitting in her chair "pointed" at me, "accidentally" brushing or remaining in constant contact with my arm while using the mouse ... dreamily staring at me. We talked more, but being the pathetic loser I am, I never mustered the strength to get her e-mail address, phone number or any contact info
Today was the last day of summer school, she asked if I had a facebook, which I don't ... so I said no. She was very surprised and almost didn't believe me, because I had been so friendly with her she would never guess what a loser, recluse and anti social (due to anxiety) person I was. We got let out of class early today because it was the last day, and the buses were not there because of that, so I asked her if I could use her cell phone to get a ride home... which she let me, but was again very surprised to learn I did not have a cell phone, and even asked "well how the heck do you communicate???". I joked it off and said I was telepathic. In reality, I don't, at all.
After I used it and said bye, that is it. I will never see her again.
But wait, it gets more pathetic, if you can believe it.
God must have taken pity on my situation and given me a second chance, which, of course, I also blew off the map. Let me explain.
In the class I was taking there was ANOTHER girl that liked me (and it just so happened, the only other really cute girl in the class). I now do not believe I am unattractive but it has done nothing for my self esteem or the way I am feeling.
Anyway, this girl was also on the same bus as me. She came up to my seat and asked to sit next to me (!!).
Of course I said yes and we talked on the way home, about lots of stuff, and she also happens to get off at my stop, and we walked together until we had to go different directions.
She was not always on my bus but this then continued when she was. And it even progressed to the point where when we were off the bus and walking home, at the point where we went separate directions, we stopped and talked a bit more.
I also blew this, got no contact info at all. Fortunately she goes to my high school, but then again, so do another ~1998 people as well.
Well in short, right now I am feeling like UTTER SHIT. Riptor I reach out for you.
I am holding back tears reading the other thread I posted -- back when I had a good chance.
well, i'm done here
