Telling Someone About AvPD

[Skog]

After thinking about it for a very long time, I told two people at work about AvPD by giving them some printed information about it. I hoped they would recognize my behavior when they read the material.

It has become a very uncomfortable experiment. I hoped that armed with this knowledge, they would treat me in a way that made me feel more welcome, because they would no longer misconstrue my withdrawal behavior.

I still don't feel welcome. I'm hoping that will improve. I'm uncertain whether I made a mistake or not. At first, neither one spoke to me. I was devastated. Then after a couple of days, one sent message that she was busy, but wanted to talk to me about it, and the other dropped by and had a "normal" conversation, but without any mention of the information I had provided about me. That only made me feel a little better, since I expected a prompt reaction either of support or rejection and not such ambivalence.

Both have had further conversations with me. I tried to be more blunt than I would prefer and came out and asked both why there wasn't the sort of direct reaction I would have given either of them. They just don't think the same way, I guess. The one I was already closer to said she was surprised as she had never seen me as avoidant; she just thought I was a particularly private person. The other said upon reading the material I had given her, that she could see similarities to my behavior and she hadn't promptly responded to my disclosure because she didn't know what to say, and when she did, she thought maybe just having a normal conversation was what I wanted.

It's still too close to when I've shared the information with them to see how this is going to turn out. They are not altering their conduct to make me feel more comfortable. Neither one avoids me if I approach them, but they don't seem to appreciate how insecure I am and that what would make be feel more secure at the moment would be increased attention initiated by them. I don't want to be the one to seek them out and start a conversation, right now. It was very hard to make the disclosure, and worrying about whether I made a horrible mistake makes it harder to also have to initiate socializing with them, when I'm still busy monitoring whether they're just putting up with out of guilt or pity, or actually like me being around.

After keeping my office door closed for months, I opened it for a week to encourage contact, but they both walk by and ignore me, unless I contact them. I have closed my door again. I am very confused and hurt.

 

[Hookstra]

I completely understand your situation. I don't work in an office environment like you do, (I'm 16) but the feelings are very similar. It's almost something we have to work through without non-sufferers. I always get the feeling that no one initiates anything with me. Rightly so, in fact, because they don't. It hurts me incredibly too. I can't figure out why I'm so hurt by it and why it happens so much. I hope your co-workers have a change of heart and mind and make your problem easier for you.

 

[corsa]

possible explanations:

maybe the reason they aren't making a big deal out of your self-disclosure is because they really don't think that there is anything wrong or different about you at all and therefore feel no need to change their behaviour toward you. Perhaps they think you actually are quite socially competent and so are puzzled when you say to them that you have AvPD, because you seem completely normal, and in no way different from them.

Or perhaps they don't want to discuss this issue with you is because they don't want to upset you or make you uncomfortable, as the information you would have provided would have related to people with AvPD feeling uncomfortable talking and being social with people. Perhaps they don't themselves know how to approach the subject with you. Do they come straight out and talk to you, with the possibility of making you feel uncomfortable? or do they say nothing and wait for you to approach them to discuss it when you feel like it?

Lastly, perhaps they took the material the wrong way and saw it as a message that you wanted to be left alone or given some space. Therefore they may be making an effort not to crowd you or get in your face too much, but clearly, they are still trying to be friendly because you have had further conversations with them after giving them the information. I just think, they don't really understand what you are going through and don't know how to go about giving you the support you need.

 

[Anonymous]

After thinking about it for a very long time, I told two people at work about AvPD by giving them some printed information about it. I hoped they would recognize my behavior when they read the material.

It has become a very uncomfortable experiment. I hoped that armed with this knowledge, they would treat me in a way that made me feel more welcome, because they would no longer misconstrue my withdrawal behavior.

I still don't feel welcome. I'm hoping that will improve. I'm uncertain whether I made a mistake or not. At first, neither one spoke to me. I was devastated. Then after a couple of days, one sent message that she was busy, but wanted to talk to me about it, and the other dropped by and had a "normal" conversation, but without any mention of the information I had provided about me. That only made me feel a little better, since I expected a prompt reaction either of support or rejection and not such ambivalence.

Both have had further conversations with me. I tried to be more blunt than I would prefer and came out and asked both why there wasn't the sort of direct reaction I would have given either of them. They just don't think the same way, I guess. The one I was already closer to said she was surprised as she had never seen me as avoidant; she just thought I was a particularly private person. The other said upon reading the material I had given her, that she could see similarities to my behavior and she hadn't promptly responded to my disclosure because she didn't know what to say, and when she did, she thought maybe just having a normal conversation was what I wanted.

It's still too close to when I've shared the information with them to see how this is going to turn out. They are not altering their conduct to make me feel more comfortable. Neither one avoids me if I approach them, but they don't seem to appreciate how insecure I am and that what would make be feel more secure at the moment would be increased attention initiated by them. I don't want to be the one to seek them out and start a conversation, right now. It was very hard to make the disclosure, and worrying about whether I made a horrible mistake makes it harder to also have to initiate socializing with them, when I'm still busy monitoring whether they're just putting up with out of guilt or pity, or actually like me being around.

After keeping my office door closed for months, I opened it for a week to encourage contact, but they both walk by and ignore me, unless I contact them. I have closed my door again. I am very confused and hurt.

That's what we all do: keep our doors shut.
After we've been shut for years we one day are told we must open up, and we do so... what happens? People who already knows as has got used to think about us as shut souls and therefore they keep on treating us as always, that is: not coming to us... cause we are always shut.
Something that happened to me in another job was that no one would speak to me or invite me to anything. One day -i would invite myself to one of their parties and then they'd be surprised, but pleased. Then I got the idea: they were used to my self-discrimination, but that did not mean they were not going to accept me, if suddenly i changed my mind about it.

 

[Skog]

possible explanations: . . . Perhaps they think you actually are quite socially competent and so are puzzled when you say to them that you have AvPD, because you seem completely normal, and in no way different from them. . . . I just think, they don't really understand what you are going through and don't know how to go about giving you the support you need.

Yes, I think they are puzzled by me, and I find them puzzling, as well. My discomfort in initially talking to them and giving them the AVPD material was obvious; I told them I was uncomfortable and I said hoped that giving them something to read would make it easier for me. It was very hard for me to have to be the one to initiate followup talks with both of them, and I find it incredible that I had to do so and that they didn't understand how devastating that was for me. I gave them material that explained I was lonely and read rejection into other people's behavior. Had our roles been reversed, I would have been at their desks the next business day and said something supportive. Walking by and saying nothing to me, which is what they both did, I just cannot understand, yet neither one seemed to see how insensitive that was as they were doing it, and neither one apparently intended to hurt me, either.

 

[Kitywhisca]

I too have shared information (in either conversation or written format)about AvPD with colleages, family, and occassionaly friends and have found it to be a very disappointing experience. People ususally dismiss it as nothing is wrong with you or try to apply it to themselves saying..."oh I'm like that too sometimes." The message always comes across as ...."oh, it's not that bad." So, my attempt to feel more understood usually backfires and I end up feeling less understood. I really don't think people without AvPD tendencies understand what it's like or the impact it has on day to day life satisfaction.

 

[Skog]

I really don't think people without AvPD tendencies understand what it's like or the impact it has on day to day life satisfaction.

You are right and I have read others say that. I like to think that I am sensitive to others' feelings (maybe I'm not) and so I don't understand why people are as sensitive (as I think I am) to me in return. Yet, the people I told still occassionally initiate contact with me and are nice to me when they do, but they don't seem to understand that I was asking them to help me. It is clear they do not spend time thinking about what they could do to help me because they don't do anything to help me. They treat me the same as they did before I told them. They don't see it as much of a problem. It's not killing me. I don't look different than other people. I am sure they believe I should just act differently and not think about what other people do or say. I am not sure whether to say anything more or not. I want them to help without feeling obligated to, and if I am specific in what I would like, I may come across as whiny, overly dependent, or trying to impose an obligation. If I do nothing, though, I will continue to feel frustrated that no one will give me the support and encouragement when I am on the verge of withdrawing, but could be helped.

 

[Skog]

I keep coming back to this topic because it frustrates me so much. As others have said, the people around just don't understand AvPD. I don't know how to get them to understand.

If I showed up at work with a broken hand or foot, people would offer to open a door for me and offer to carry things for me. They would from time-to-time ask me how my hand/foot was doing. They can see that. Even if they haven't had a broken hand or foot, other people can still imagine what it would be like and accomodate the injured person.

Yet, they can't understand and accomodate a personality disorder. I was able to rationalize getting no help from people who didn't know my problem. I don't understand the two people who do. They don't offer to do things that would help me; they don't ask me if there is anything they could do to help me; they don't ask me how I'm doing when I exhibit withdrawal/avoidance behavior; they just treat me the same as all the people who don't know any better. It makes me feel worse than when I had kept it all to myself.

 

[Skog]

http://whatadifference.org/

I heard a public service radio ad regarding the above site driving home last night. Oh how I wished the two people I had told of my problem had heard instead of me and recognized how unsupportive they have been.

 

[Kasini]

I think a lot of folks are freaked out by people like us. Extroverts, for example, they rely on the energy they get from others...when people withdraw from them, it freaks them out. You are not going to feel welcome by these people.

 

[Skog]

someone recently told me that introverts find social situations uncomfortable because it takes them so much energy to participate that they tire quickly

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I think the information made them a bit uncomfortable in the sense that they did not know how to discuss it with you. (Give them some slack, they're not your therapist.). I think they're doing it exactly right. Treating you the way they have always treated you. One of them saw your behavior as "being very private". Well, there are a lot of very private types in the office. This is very normal behavior.

In the end, your behavior at the office was within "expected conduct". You didn't do anything to exhibit alarm or concern. The turmoil and anxiety that your experiencing is in your head, don't expect them to understand it. I don't think they see it as a "big deal" as it relates to your performance in the office. You got it off your chest, so relax. They seem like really good coworkers. Don't get all neurotic and start second guessing every action. That will cause problems.

 

[Barrier]

I too have shared information (in either conversation or written format)about AvPD with colleages, family, and occassionaly friends and have found it to be a very disappointing experience. People ususally dismiss it as nothing is wrong with you or try to apply it to themselves saying..."oh I'm like that too sometimes." The message always comes across as ...."oh, it's not that bad." So, my attempt to feel more understood usually backfires and I end up feeling less understood. I really don't think people without AvPD tendencies understand what it's like or the impact it has on day to day life satisfaction.

Exactly this.