talking - a nightmare!

[neo]

this is pretty much my biggest problem...

Whenever I start a conversation it's just my brain gets stuck - I have nothing to talk about. Or at least I can't think of anything.If I say anything it's almost like I have to force it to come out. I talk very quietly also. So in the end it's just awkward, and seems like something different.
And I turn to the easiest solution- avoid conversation.
It's not like I don't want to talk - I just can't!

 

[Emma]

I have the same problem as you, I am also very quiet...I can't speak to people either, it's like I'm frozen, I want to say something but I can't do it.

Do you feel like you want to say something, but you just can't get it out? Like you're locked in your own head....People looking at you strangely doesn't help either... :roll:

 

[Diluted_Acid]

Me three :wink: , can any of you guys actually yell outside of your home? Because i've tried, but i just can't . . . . it feels like theirs a barrier blockin my vocal cords or something :?. It is also pretty frustrating when people either give up talkin to you because they can't hear you, or lose their patience with you, demanding you speak up, because when it happens i usually tend to back off and not bother repeat myself, thinking maybe it just aint worth sayin what i wanted to say. I feel bad, coz i feel like i stole this thread, bein really self-centred at times like this, and i'm sorry about that. I unfortunately don't got a great deal of advice, mind due i will say that giving people eye contact i find it seems they tend to hear better, oddly enough . . . . But thats hard for many of us too.

 

[IceLad]

Whenever I start a conversation or am spoken too, it's hard not to stop my mind 'realising' what I actually doing and as a result, going into full blown anxiety mode.

 

[thequietone]

What happens to me is quite similar. I can be rehearsing a single sentence in my head for fifteen minutes before I go ask someone a question, but when I walk up to them, I forget everything. It's like stage fright, it's like every conversation is a huge preformance!!

Me three , can any of you guys actually yell outside of your home? Because i've tried, but i just can't . . . . it feels like theirs a barrier blockin my vocal cords or something .

I can't yell inside my home either! When I'm around people, my throat literally feels closed up and I can barely swallow much less talk. The last time I really YELLED was when I was at this amusement park going on a water ride. We went down the hill and---without thinking---I just let out this scream. I was so surprised to hear it! I was a little embarrassed too because it was a wimpy ride and the five year old behind me didn't scream! :lol:

I feel bad, coz i feel like i stole this thread, bein really self-centred at times like this, and i'm sorry about that.

Don't be sorry! Hearing everyone's input is what discussion forums are all about.

 

[rko74]

same with me

My social anxiety revolves around my speech also it seems.Or is my main worry i guess.Its hard for me to put into words how i feel, but i often feel like im forcing myself to speak and its not naturally flowing out.I have the feeling of apprehension when i go to speak to someone.I preplan what im about to say and i try i sound to myself like im talking with marbles in my mouth or mumbling.Like for instance when a customer in the grocery store says thank you, i find it hard to say your welcome.I will say it but it will come out like yerr welcommphg or something.It bothers me i cant seem to say things clearly and consisely.I wish i could get help for this, can anyone suggest how i build up my skills in this?

 

[neo]

You know, a few times I even contemplated going to an empty stadium and practicing yelling a bit - right... like I could have the courage to do it!

It would have helped me though - especially at recitals.Then I wouldn't have to listen to the teacher yelling "LOUDER!" all the time 8O

 

[pjam76]

nerves

I try to listen to people as much as possible because I hate when the "talking time" falls on me.

I hate one on one situations for the most part with anybody... Friends, family, relatives, etc.... There are very few people I ever get comfortable with.

I remember going on a train across country one time, took 4 days, where you were assigned a seat with somebody else during dinner time.

So you had to sit down, eat, talk, enjoy.

I like meeting new people, learning new things. But all day I'd worry about what I would say, who I would meet and so on. When the time came, it was even worse for the most part, because the other person wasn't one of those "never shut up kind of people.."

I always hate when it becomes quiet. I feel like they either hate me, don't like me, don't like my conversation, i said something stupid or wrong, they find me boring, and the list goes on.

This happens for the most part, every time i have to small talk with anybody.

If there are 3 or more people and all I have to do is throw in a few words now and again, that's not a problem. But if I have to carry a conversation, i get sweaty, nervous, and almost become non-functional at times.

Even after it's all over, I analze what I said, what I said wrong, if they liked me, if they didn't and so on.

it's one thing doing this when your young and dating. It's another doing this every time you talk to anybody. Family, friends, bosses, co-workers, strangers, and so on.

 

[maggie]

Whenever I start a conversation or am spoken too, it's hard not to stop my mind 'realising' what I actually doing and as a result, going into full blown anxiety mode.

me too...and my words sometimes come out all funny, like i can't even form a proper sentence or something..but, not because i'm not intelligent..or capable...but because i'm so nervous :roll:

 

[rko74]

talking

I notice when i talk my voice kinda goes monotone and i sound as if im depressed.I also find myself struggling to get words out at times, like i hate my voice when i speak or something.When im at home with my parents my voice has more inflection and i talk with ease but when i go talk to people besides my family, i feel like i have to sound more adult or something.*shrug*

 

[Predacon]

I can generally handle talking to someone one on one, groups of more then 4 or 5 I can get quite nervous. As for shouting well I can yell for someone in my house if I'm trying to find them, but in public it is like my throat closes up. I'm not sure I could yell in public, if someone walks off then I remember I need to ask them something I usually have to run after them.

 

[of_darkness]

(yeeeeee first post ^^)

I'm not sure I could yell in public, if someone walks off then I remember I need to ask them something I usually have to run after them.

same with me! i could try to shout after someone...but if i tried...and i do try, its just not gonna happen *noo come back!* its a bit arquard having to run after people within 'shouting' distance!

all of these posts are just like mey situation...and even though i DO have several people i know i can trust and talk to, i cant talk to any other people at all....the bigger the group the worse. I feel that i somehow i dont even need to talk, like its not worth the effort...and i cant. Plus if i try to say something useful i'll just get talked over or ignored...the strange thing is, i'm a musical person, and a singer! yet i can sing as loud as i want, in front of hundreds of people if i want to.....but when i dont 'need' to sing, like when with friends, its like..impossible. With shouting or screaming, its impossible! people say things like 'cummon, shout or something, talk!' (which makes it so much worse doesnt it) , and when i try i end up just raising the pitch of my voice a little, not actually shouting at all........Its a huge problem, when you cant make friends with new people or keep old ones, or even start a relationship

i'm glad to see there are people here with similar problems.....i've never met anyone like me!

 

[Rx]

Man oh man this is so great knowing there are others who feel the exact things that I feel! Just reading some of these comments its like, "Yes! I know exac- yes! Thats exactly how I- Yes!!!"

The shouting thing is so interesting isnt it! I remember being at a very secluded lake in northern canada and I thought to myself one day, how do I sound when I shout, because frankly, I never shout. But I thought it was just too silly to do so I didnt. Even during golf, sometimes I will not shout out of shyness, which is rediculous, because I really should! Though if I am comfortable with the people I am with I'll shout 'fore'. I also remember one specific time where I did shout (on a rollercoaster where I thought I was going to die) and I was surprised by it. I was like, well where did that come from??? It also makes me think of the movie Garden State where he shouts down the infinite abyss, and I remember thinking god that must feel awesome!

Oh, and do I know what you're talking about of_darkness when you say,
"people say things like 'cummon, shout or something, talk!' (which makes it so much worse doesnt it)"

When people confront me and ask me why i am not talking during a convo, I feel like the biggest loser who ever lived. And then when it happens for like the 18th time, I feel like, yes I know, I suck. Can't you just let me stay and listen? But sometimes its not even shyness. I just cannot think of anything to add to the convo, and thats the frustrating part.

As for preplanning, I used to do that, but it did NOT work for me at all. If my mind was running on a plan, as soon as something swayed from the plan, including myself, it was all over. As Roland says in the Dark Tower series, its best to not have a plan. Its best to have a general idea and adapt along the way. The only way to accomplish this for me was practice. Thats it. Thankfully my work (Product Support) forces me into situations where I am constantly talking to people all day. Now, after 5 years, I am giving training sessions and leading meetings, and I owe it all to practice (trial and error). Isnt that the worst kind of advice??

 

[**removed**]

Most of the time when i'm nervous I just cant talk properly. My voice is either really quiet or too deep. I find it better if i'm speaking for a longer period of time then my voice can kinda "level out".

 

[16]

Damn

Some of this is so familiar it's unbelievable.

Especially pjam76's post. I do exactly the same as you! Just a few weeks ago I was in a conversation and got the wrong end of the stick with something. I made a comment based on what I thought this guy was referring then realised afterwards I had made a big mistake. Immediately I went completely red and didn't really say anything afterwards. (It was a group of about 5 people.) Even now I kick myself in the shins and cringe over my mistake. Even though it was irrelevant in the context of things, and most likely forgotten in 2 minutes!

And yeah, I'm having a similar thing to your train experience coming up. In about a week I'll have to sit next to 2 girls who I've never met for a good 3 hours! I'm literally panicking myself and losing sleep over it already. God, I can imagine it happening already. Something coming out a little wrong and them labelling me as pretty wierd. Or a silence where I just don't know what to say at all (often) - that just seems to continue forever...

I'm wondering though - has anyone had much experience of talking to people you don't know, and what approaches to take? I fear I'll run out of things to say within 2 minutes.

 

[Ddarko]

Re: Damn

I'm wondering though - has anyone had much experience of talking to people you don't know, and what approaches to take? I fear I'll run out of things to say within 2 minutes.

See my reply to rvx290's topic "Can't solve this problem (long)" in the social anxiety forum... I don't know how old you are (16?), but you might try being a little self-centered and taking into account your own desires: do you want to talk or would you rather not? It sounds strange, and it does depend on who these people are going to be, but there are ways to be comfortable being quiet. Just say to yourself, "I'm quiet, that's okay, and I'll speak if and when I'm ready." If they are total strangers that you just happen to meet on a train or something then there is no obligation to be all chatty if you don't want to. Then again, if you do want to be able to converse and you can't, or if these are people with whom you might potentially have a longer term relationship, then you might try another strategy. Start off with formalities like "Hi. my name is _____." Then move on to "where are you from?" Then ask them about what they are doing in their life, like why they are here or what they are studying in school or doing at their job or what they want to do for a living, etc. After such formalities are over, there might be a silent or awkward period... Don't be embarassed about the awkwardness. Conversations are always awkward to one degree or another when you don't the other person well (even for very outgoing people). Just tell yourself that feeling awkward is natural and okay. Sometimes I even smile to myself when there is an awkward moment because you can usually detect the awkwardness in the other person also. Once formalities or over with, now is your chance to start an interesting conversation (if you want to). If you don't want to, then it might be okay to just remain silent (this depends on the situation... on a train or bus it is perfectly fine and not at all awkward... if you are at a party having a conversation then silence will become awkward, so judge whether silence is appropriate according to the situation). As for conversation topics, try something either you are they (or preferably both) would find interesting. If you are in a situation where an immediate response is needed (i.e. at a party) then you'll have to either think of something quick or end it quickly but politely by saying something like "well I'm going to get a drink, nice to meet you." If you are traveling or in a situation where you will be faced with them for a long time, then you can occupy yourself with a book or music and act semi-busy... then when you think of something you can break the silence... or maybe something will come up with regard to the book you are reading or something. hope that helps.