CelestialDreams
Member
This is kind of long and just barely scratches the surface. I'd like to go ahead and thank anyone that actually takes the time to read this.
I’ve had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I moved to where I currently live. For the sake of the story we’ll just say I lived in “place A” and moved to “place B”. I’ve moved a lot throughout my entire life and never felt like I really fit in anywhere except for when I lived in place A. I lived there for 6 years, which was the longest I had been anywhere up until the age of 17.
Some more background info, even though I finally felt like I fit in place A, I remember it took me a few years to actually feel that way. I was always an awkward girl that felt out of place and ended up turning to drugs and alcohol. My idea of “fitting in” was really only me fitting in with other kids that also did drugs, and I stayed messed up a lot of the time. I mean, people smoke and drink, but I overindulged a bit much, I was obsessed with staying high as much as I could and always used the drugs as a crutch for my social awkwardness.
I moved to place B at the end of my junior year in high school and had to switch from a small-town to a large city. My senior year of high school was a complete mess, when my social anxiety was the strongest it’s ever been. Needless to say, I haven’t been able to recover ever since, and it's been seven years. It was as if my identity was solely based on drug use, and I never learned how to deal with social situations because I was always so messed up. Once I moved to place B, I ended up doing even more drugs and developed a horrible reliance on drinking. This lasted throughout my senior year of high school and four years afterwards. By the age of 22, I finally got to the point of slowing down considerably, but still drank everyday. I couldn’t hold a job because of my drinking and anxiety, but I finally found work from home that I’ve been doing ever since.
Basically, I’ve been able to quit drinking and doing everything completely, but I think it’s only because I work from home (by this December I will have worked from home for three years). My drinking and everything else happened because it was my way of dealing with my fear of people, and I think the only reason I was able to finally quit is because I don’t have to deal with people at this point. I’ve developed avoidant behavior over the years too.. I've avoided most contact with the outside world besides having to do errands. I have completed an Associate's degree in school, but only because I took every class possible over the internet. I know that my current job can’t last forever and I’m having severe anxiety about going out into the world. Everything I felt back when I first moved here is coming back to me.
I’ve kept myself away from the outside world and honestly don’t know how to get back into it when I need to. I don’t necessarily need to yet, but I know I will one day.. I just don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that I’m going to fall back into my old habits. I have no interest in moving on to get a Bachelor’s degree because I’m so afraid of the outside world and of people, it’s driving me crazy. I also can’t seem to really remember things all so well, and so I think that even if I did try to go further with some kind of subject, it would be pointless since I wouldn’t remember what I learned.. most of my life is one big blur from all of the crap I’ve done and I feel like I’ve never really developed any kind of identity.. I’ve been trying to find myself spiritually for a very long time now, but have trouble remembering things from day to day and most likely have Borderline Personality Disorder too.
As far as my social anxiety goes, it’s a bit weird.. I am perfectly fine with talking to strangers if it’s simple things like going to the grocery store and talking to the cashier while I’m checking out. I am able to go to doctor’s appointments (when I had insurance, I don't anymore) and seem to be able to keep a pretty cool head and appear pretty normal. What really gets me is meeting new people that I’m “hanging out” with or am one-on-one with.. and that’s why public work scares me because of the fear of trying to make friends and casual conversation with my coworkers, not to mention the interview process. I've even gotten to the point now that I get anxiety over what to say or talk about with friends that I've known for a year or more.. I guess maybe I just don't see them often enough, I don't know..
I don’t have a car and have to ride public transportation everywhere I go. Sometimes people will try to talk to me and have casual conversation, so I try to talk back in an attempt to get over my fear.. but I seriously just sound ridiculously detached and uncaring, even though that’s not me at all. I have problems putting words together, so sometimes I'll jsut trail off and not even finish a complete thought or just finish with "I don't remember".. it's just so bad. I’m a very caring person and want to help out whenever I can.. I can talk to a person to give them help just fine, but as soon as it comes to anything more than that, I freak out on the inside and don’t know what to say. I get obsessed on how to relate to people and feel like I can’t relate to anyone because I’ve never really had any kind of life besides staying indoors and hiding from people while just getting messed up. My mind is totally jumbled and a lot of the time I don’t even make sense or complete full thoughts or sentences, it seems like. I have a hard time putting things into words, and even while I’m trying to type this out to make sense, it takes me a long time because I have to read over everything and rearrange what I’ve said, otherwise it’s just all over the place. For this, I rearranged a little but also wanted to leave it a little bit all over the place to illustrate what I mean. I also type very well and can communicate pretty well via the internet because I’ve spent a lot of time communicating this way and no other.. oh, and I had the phone phobia and still kind of do, and I used to think that everyone was watching me when I went outside, although I’ve gotten past that at least.
What I'm trying to get across is that because of my past, I never learned healthy ways to interact with people and now I feel like I’m just going to have some kind of mental breakdown if I try. My job doesn’t give me insurance and I don’t make enough to pay for my own, so I can’t go to any doctors or anything, can’t get medication.. I think, well maybe with time I can get better, but my memory and mind just seem so gone and I’m just so scared. I guess from all that I’ve done maybe I deserve this kind of fate… I was wondering if anyone had any good sayings or mantras that help them, any advice or any thoughts at all, and if there’s anyone out there that’s as scared of the world as I am. I just don’t know what to do.
I’ve had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I moved to where I currently live. For the sake of the story we’ll just say I lived in “place A” and moved to “place B”. I’ve moved a lot throughout my entire life and never felt like I really fit in anywhere except for when I lived in place A. I lived there for 6 years, which was the longest I had been anywhere up until the age of 17.
Some more background info, even though I finally felt like I fit in place A, I remember it took me a few years to actually feel that way. I was always an awkward girl that felt out of place and ended up turning to drugs and alcohol. My idea of “fitting in” was really only me fitting in with other kids that also did drugs, and I stayed messed up a lot of the time. I mean, people smoke and drink, but I overindulged a bit much, I was obsessed with staying high as much as I could and always used the drugs as a crutch for my social awkwardness.
I moved to place B at the end of my junior year in high school and had to switch from a small-town to a large city. My senior year of high school was a complete mess, when my social anxiety was the strongest it’s ever been. Needless to say, I haven’t been able to recover ever since, and it's been seven years. It was as if my identity was solely based on drug use, and I never learned how to deal with social situations because I was always so messed up. Once I moved to place B, I ended up doing even more drugs and developed a horrible reliance on drinking. This lasted throughout my senior year of high school and four years afterwards. By the age of 22, I finally got to the point of slowing down considerably, but still drank everyday. I couldn’t hold a job because of my drinking and anxiety, but I finally found work from home that I’ve been doing ever since.
Basically, I’ve been able to quit drinking and doing everything completely, but I think it’s only because I work from home (by this December I will have worked from home for three years). My drinking and everything else happened because it was my way of dealing with my fear of people, and I think the only reason I was able to finally quit is because I don’t have to deal with people at this point. I’ve developed avoidant behavior over the years too.. I've avoided most contact with the outside world besides having to do errands. I have completed an Associate's degree in school, but only because I took every class possible over the internet. I know that my current job can’t last forever and I’m having severe anxiety about going out into the world. Everything I felt back when I first moved here is coming back to me.
I’ve kept myself away from the outside world and honestly don’t know how to get back into it when I need to. I don’t necessarily need to yet, but I know I will one day.. I just don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that I’m going to fall back into my old habits. I have no interest in moving on to get a Bachelor’s degree because I’m so afraid of the outside world and of people, it’s driving me crazy. I also can’t seem to really remember things all so well, and so I think that even if I did try to go further with some kind of subject, it would be pointless since I wouldn’t remember what I learned.. most of my life is one big blur from all of the crap I’ve done and I feel like I’ve never really developed any kind of identity.. I’ve been trying to find myself spiritually for a very long time now, but have trouble remembering things from day to day and most likely have Borderline Personality Disorder too.
As far as my social anxiety goes, it’s a bit weird.. I am perfectly fine with talking to strangers if it’s simple things like going to the grocery store and talking to the cashier while I’m checking out. I am able to go to doctor’s appointments (when I had insurance, I don't anymore) and seem to be able to keep a pretty cool head and appear pretty normal. What really gets me is meeting new people that I’m “hanging out” with or am one-on-one with.. and that’s why public work scares me because of the fear of trying to make friends and casual conversation with my coworkers, not to mention the interview process. I've even gotten to the point now that I get anxiety over what to say or talk about with friends that I've known for a year or more.. I guess maybe I just don't see them often enough, I don't know..
I don’t have a car and have to ride public transportation everywhere I go. Sometimes people will try to talk to me and have casual conversation, so I try to talk back in an attempt to get over my fear.. but I seriously just sound ridiculously detached and uncaring, even though that’s not me at all. I have problems putting words together, so sometimes I'll jsut trail off and not even finish a complete thought or just finish with "I don't remember".. it's just so bad. I’m a very caring person and want to help out whenever I can.. I can talk to a person to give them help just fine, but as soon as it comes to anything more than that, I freak out on the inside and don’t know what to say. I get obsessed on how to relate to people and feel like I can’t relate to anyone because I’ve never really had any kind of life besides staying indoors and hiding from people while just getting messed up. My mind is totally jumbled and a lot of the time I don’t even make sense or complete full thoughts or sentences, it seems like. I have a hard time putting things into words, and even while I’m trying to type this out to make sense, it takes me a long time because I have to read over everything and rearrange what I’ve said, otherwise it’s just all over the place. For this, I rearranged a little but also wanted to leave it a little bit all over the place to illustrate what I mean. I also type very well and can communicate pretty well via the internet because I’ve spent a lot of time communicating this way and no other.. oh, and I had the phone phobia and still kind of do, and I used to think that everyone was watching me when I went outside, although I’ve gotten past that at least.
What I'm trying to get across is that because of my past, I never learned healthy ways to interact with people and now I feel like I’m just going to have some kind of mental breakdown if I try. My job doesn’t give me insurance and I don’t make enough to pay for my own, so I can’t go to any doctors or anything, can’t get medication.. I think, well maybe with time I can get better, but my memory and mind just seem so gone and I’m just so scared. I guess from all that I’ve done maybe I deserve this kind of fate… I was wondering if anyone had any good sayings or mantras that help them, any advice or any thoughts at all, and if there’s anyone out there that’s as scared of the world as I am. I just don’t know what to do.
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