decadent88
Well-known member
Hi y'all, this is decadent. Following is the story of my pathetic life.
Well I've been a victim of bullying (both verbal and physical... mostly verbal), social phobia and anxiety roughly my whole life. It started in primary school, continued to high school. It made me paranoid, overly self-conscious, it lowered my self-esteem to an unacceptably low point in a gradual and slow process. It also disrobed me off my confidence in pretty much everything, even the thing that I love.
Coming to the story, the bullying started from as early as grade 1. Yes, I was shy and quiet. So naturally kids started picking on me. I didn’t know how to react. I was not a ‘whack-the-face’ kind of person, neither was I a ‘swallow-it-all’ type… so I reacted awkwardly, and this made me a fun entertainment very quickly. The bullying went on and I couldn’t do anything to just stop it, I never imagined telling teachers or my parents, I couldn’t ignore either. I thought something was wrong with me. That was the start.
So I started to avoid. I made up excuses to stay at home not going to school (at that time I had some phases of serious illnesses, so that trick worked). My parents were kind and not that dominating. I would seldom appear in school, and like a nightmare that day would go on like a torture. I had one friend by grade 2. But he didn’t interfere. My low attendance put me in the eyes of my teachers too. Soon I caught their attention and they started bullying me around every chance they got. I was introduced as a kid to horrible comments about my appearance, my family, new variety of physical punishments, hours outside class for the silliest reasons. I knew all these were happening more as I refused to be regular but school became like a hellish nightmare. I was never more afraid anything else. I stayed at home, created a world of my own of music and guitars, and loved pretending sick.
This went on for many years, at times I would be regular, but most times I wouldn’t. By the year I was in class seven, my parents started doubting my intentions seriously. They tried forcing me to school. They started beating me up every morning but I wouldn’t oblige. I stood there like a statue, unmovable, unable to tell them what’s going on with me. All these years of self-alienation had made me even more a victim to the bullying. My self-esteem was ruined. I didn’t learn anything from school. I became this zombie with bottled up anger, fear, hatred and agony. No one understood me.
Finally, unable to get through, they sent me to a psychiatrist. That was the first time I told almost everything. He conducted some therapy, but by that time my fear was so deep ingrained, strong-rooted, that it didn’t help.
My parents moved me to another school and voila! My life jump started! Although I wasn’t the shining glory of attendance records, but life turned around for me. I had my epic 5 years in that school. I became started to love studying, found human beings as teachers instead of monsters, become popular through my music, formed a band, had affairs with girls, got busy in social activities etc etc..
Everything was great for a long time. Sure there were occasional bullying, rumors, down-times, but they failed to nudge me.
And then I left high-school and went to college.
The first two years of undergrad were simply colorless. In fact, they were so colorless that they drained every ounce of love for academia in me. My classmates were overly serious, ridiculously principled. Though I made two great friends in the third year and started studying earnestly for a particular reason, that didn’t last. My scores plummeted. I graduated just grazing the first class.
Then I got to post-grad. Now. The world again changed, for the worse. Here people are overly ‘joyous’. I at first melted and created a façade that would ease me through. Then the bullying started. I tried becoming good friends with them bullies, even started try and bullying (very harmless endeavors) some. But I know I am deceiving myself, and that hurts me to the core, making the façade more awkward by passing days.
Inside I know I AM THE VICTIM. AGAIN, AND NO MATTER HOW I PRETEND TO BE COOL AND LAUGH IT ALL UP INFRONT OF MY CLASSMATES THE DEEP EMOTIONAL TRAUMA AND SCARS THAT MY CHILDHOOD BESTOWED UPON ME ARE OPENING UP ONCE AGAIN. How do you feel when things start to repeat?? Everything you have thought you have marched proudly out of starts occurring again when appropriate situation prompts? I know I have been following closed loop of despair...bad-situation--irritation--worrying--avoidance--(repeat). I cannot let things go. I bring home my problems and I over-indulge myself thinking negatively on them. I'm not stupid. I know worrying does not help anything solve... I know that. But when I am alone with myself with thoughts in my head, I CANNOT SEEM TO GET RID OF THEM! arghhh!... it's so frustrating! I don't know what's the point of living on anymore.
Well, thanks to those few who went through this trouble to read my long, useless post. Just letting everything out kinda makes me feel a little less lonely. Thanx again!
Well I've been a victim of bullying (both verbal and physical... mostly verbal), social phobia and anxiety roughly my whole life. It started in primary school, continued to high school. It made me paranoid, overly self-conscious, it lowered my self-esteem to an unacceptably low point in a gradual and slow process. It also disrobed me off my confidence in pretty much everything, even the thing that I love.
Coming to the story, the bullying started from as early as grade 1. Yes, I was shy and quiet. So naturally kids started picking on me. I didn’t know how to react. I was not a ‘whack-the-face’ kind of person, neither was I a ‘swallow-it-all’ type… so I reacted awkwardly, and this made me a fun entertainment very quickly. The bullying went on and I couldn’t do anything to just stop it, I never imagined telling teachers or my parents, I couldn’t ignore either. I thought something was wrong with me. That was the start.
So I started to avoid. I made up excuses to stay at home not going to school (at that time I had some phases of serious illnesses, so that trick worked). My parents were kind and not that dominating. I would seldom appear in school, and like a nightmare that day would go on like a torture. I had one friend by grade 2. But he didn’t interfere. My low attendance put me in the eyes of my teachers too. Soon I caught their attention and they started bullying me around every chance they got. I was introduced as a kid to horrible comments about my appearance, my family, new variety of physical punishments, hours outside class for the silliest reasons. I knew all these were happening more as I refused to be regular but school became like a hellish nightmare. I was never more afraid anything else. I stayed at home, created a world of my own of music and guitars, and loved pretending sick.
This went on for many years, at times I would be regular, but most times I wouldn’t. By the year I was in class seven, my parents started doubting my intentions seriously. They tried forcing me to school. They started beating me up every morning but I wouldn’t oblige. I stood there like a statue, unmovable, unable to tell them what’s going on with me. All these years of self-alienation had made me even more a victim to the bullying. My self-esteem was ruined. I didn’t learn anything from school. I became this zombie with bottled up anger, fear, hatred and agony. No one understood me.
Finally, unable to get through, they sent me to a psychiatrist. That was the first time I told almost everything. He conducted some therapy, but by that time my fear was so deep ingrained, strong-rooted, that it didn’t help.
My parents moved me to another school and voila! My life jump started! Although I wasn’t the shining glory of attendance records, but life turned around for me. I had my epic 5 years in that school. I became started to love studying, found human beings as teachers instead of monsters, become popular through my music, formed a band, had affairs with girls, got busy in social activities etc etc..
Everything was great for a long time. Sure there were occasional bullying, rumors, down-times, but they failed to nudge me.
And then I left high-school and went to college.
The first two years of undergrad were simply colorless. In fact, they were so colorless that they drained every ounce of love for academia in me. My classmates were overly serious, ridiculously principled. Though I made two great friends in the third year and started studying earnestly for a particular reason, that didn’t last. My scores plummeted. I graduated just grazing the first class.
Then I got to post-grad. Now. The world again changed, for the worse. Here people are overly ‘joyous’. I at first melted and created a façade that would ease me through. Then the bullying started. I tried becoming good friends with them bullies, even started try and bullying (very harmless endeavors) some. But I know I am deceiving myself, and that hurts me to the core, making the façade more awkward by passing days.
Inside I know I AM THE VICTIM. AGAIN, AND NO MATTER HOW I PRETEND TO BE COOL AND LAUGH IT ALL UP INFRONT OF MY CLASSMATES THE DEEP EMOTIONAL TRAUMA AND SCARS THAT MY CHILDHOOD BESTOWED UPON ME ARE OPENING UP ONCE AGAIN. How do you feel when things start to repeat?? Everything you have thought you have marched proudly out of starts occurring again when appropriate situation prompts? I know I have been following closed loop of despair...bad-situation--irritation--worrying--avoidance--(repeat). I cannot let things go. I bring home my problems and I over-indulge myself thinking negatively on them. I'm not stupid. I know worrying does not help anything solve... I know that. But when I am alone with myself with thoughts in my head, I CANNOT SEEM TO GET RID OF THEM! arghhh!... it's so frustrating! I don't know what's the point of living on anymore.
Well, thanks to those few who went through this trouble to read my long, useless post. Just letting everything out kinda makes me feel a little less lonely. Thanx again!