powerfulthoughts
Well-known member
[I can't sleep on this sunday night, so therefore I decided to start writing down a bunch of thoughts that have been simmering for a while.]
I've been struggling with social phobia all my life. Ever since I was a young child I was always "different." Meaning, I was the quiet one, the fragile awkward kid that never had an inviting appearance or the ability to ever chat or respond to anybody in school or elsewhere. The feelings of fear and shame were too overwhelming to overcome. I had suffered long and hard throughout my life wondering if the time would ever come that I would be able to sort of snap out of it and become the social person I had always wanted to be. I felt like I was different but never understood why, since there was no apparent reason for it. The fear and shame was not allowing the essence of my personality, who I really am, to shine through. As I look back now, I can see that I was being poisoned every day by guilt, shame, inadequacy, and emotional abuse, along with a lack of genuine emotional fulfilment based on an insufficient family dynamic for that to be the case.
This utter lack of being able to function socially led me down in insatiable path of self-discovery that is still on-going to this day. I am no where near the place I want to be, as it is still very difficult for me to make friends on any genune level. However, I am able to interact with people in a way that I was not previously able to. This progress, no matter how minute, is what keeps me going. So, I wanted to share a little about what I have discovered regarding possible causes and effects of social anxiety (which I believe is actually a symptom of a much greater problem, at last in my case).
It's hard to know exactly where to begin, as there are many, many issue worthy of mention, but I'll start by sharing something that greatly overwhelmed me in terms of being very accurate.
As I was vigorously searching the internet for causes, I came across something that greatly peaked my interest. It was something called emotional deprivation disorder. This is a theory by which a child is not sufficiently loved as a child. By that, I mean the motherly and parental affection was severely lacking to a point of creating a severely frustrated state of feeling invalid, lost, inadequate, etc. When a mother or parent fails to emotionally affirm their child (as an infant, toddler, or later), this creates a person that feels deeply hungry for validation and affirmation. The FEELINGS of love, peace, of feeling "okay," are only able to be achieved through this unconditional parental love. Without this deep and fulfilling emotional love and strength provided tothe child, emotional growth cannot be achieved. In other words, we become STUCK in an almost childlike emotional state. We yearn for the love that a child needs, yet others are not able to provde this sort of love because they see an adult, when really it is only two thirds of an adult. Physically, intellectually, yes. Emotionally, NO!
There is a book which details this severe problem, called "Healing the Unaffirmed" by Conrad Baars. I strongly recommend reading it. It details many issues, includng "abnormal rapport with others" which was very helpful for me. Google it for more info.
Which leads me to my next point. I discovered some time ago that my mother fits very, very well into all of the characteristics of Narcissistic personality disorder. This is a very severe form of pure and utter selfishness. In fact, they are quite simply blind to feelings that do not involve them. They have no empathy for other human beings besides themselves. Not even their children. They can appear nice to many people, but it is really all an act. They cannot see past their own inner disturbed world. Narcissists are very manipulative. In fact, my mother quite literally brainwashed me into thinking that she was th best mother in the world, when in reality she was only using me as an extension of herself. Which means anything I ever did was merely only and always only a reflection upon her. My well being was literally not considered. She could not empathize with emotional pain. Neglect, fear, and punishment is the world of a victim of a narcissist. If you haven't already, I strongly recommend you google "narcissistic mothers" and see what kind of havoc they are capable of wreaking.
Another thing is "scapegoating." A mother or father finds a way to unload all the shame and negativity onto the child, in order to cover their own dysfunction. It is really quite a startling revelation that this kind of thing goes on.
The social isolation, emotional deprivation, and shameful unloading, along with many uncounted manipulations and abuses, all play into social anxiety. So much so, that I also believe that it all accumulates within a person and creates a severe inferiority complex. To feel as though you are nothing, and beneath the lowest standard of other healthy people does not come from birth. It is a cause and effect issue. Even if it's not immediately understood, I would recommend digging and digging until you finally unearth at least a small bit of where this might come from. You cannot work to overcome these feelings until you realize what is happening.
Shame is tangible. People know that you don't trust them or yourself. That is a very palpable sense in humans, I believe. Somewhere, there has been a severe failure to trust other people. It had to have come from early on in childhood. A deep trust in yourself, as well as other people, will begin to ease some of this problem of social anxiety.
The hard thing about all of this, is that social phobia comes from deep feelings of being not okay. No matter how much you intellectualize, or hw much you think you know, you can't just STOP feeling that distrust, that fear. This is not an INTELLECTUAL issue, it is an EXPERIENCE issue. Meaning you must in some way, find ways in which people will let you FEEL affirmed and validated. To feel okay. If you're like me, this is hard to find. So what I have done is to actively seek out times in which people have accepted any action of mine, and internalised it. UPROOT the feelings of shame by EMBRACING any acceptance and love people give you. Don't block it out as many have probably been TRAINED to do.
There is no easy way out. If social phobia is going to be healed to any degree, it must come from a place of feeling. Feeling okay, feeling validated and affirmed, feeling as though you have every darn right to be in this world and live and love just like every other person on the panet. I have felt like I am stopping the madness. I know the truth of the matter is that emotional connections between humanity is VITAL. It gives us our FEELINGS of being loved, accepted, as though we belong.
I've been struggling with social phobia all my life. Ever since I was a young child I was always "different." Meaning, I was the quiet one, the fragile awkward kid that never had an inviting appearance or the ability to ever chat or respond to anybody in school or elsewhere. The feelings of fear and shame were too overwhelming to overcome. I had suffered long and hard throughout my life wondering if the time would ever come that I would be able to sort of snap out of it and become the social person I had always wanted to be. I felt like I was different but never understood why, since there was no apparent reason for it. The fear and shame was not allowing the essence of my personality, who I really am, to shine through. As I look back now, I can see that I was being poisoned every day by guilt, shame, inadequacy, and emotional abuse, along with a lack of genuine emotional fulfilment based on an insufficient family dynamic for that to be the case.
This utter lack of being able to function socially led me down in insatiable path of self-discovery that is still on-going to this day. I am no where near the place I want to be, as it is still very difficult for me to make friends on any genune level. However, I am able to interact with people in a way that I was not previously able to. This progress, no matter how minute, is what keeps me going. So, I wanted to share a little about what I have discovered regarding possible causes and effects of social anxiety (which I believe is actually a symptom of a much greater problem, at last in my case).
It's hard to know exactly where to begin, as there are many, many issue worthy of mention, but I'll start by sharing something that greatly overwhelmed me in terms of being very accurate.
As I was vigorously searching the internet for causes, I came across something that greatly peaked my interest. It was something called emotional deprivation disorder. This is a theory by which a child is not sufficiently loved as a child. By that, I mean the motherly and parental affection was severely lacking to a point of creating a severely frustrated state of feeling invalid, lost, inadequate, etc. When a mother or parent fails to emotionally affirm their child (as an infant, toddler, or later), this creates a person that feels deeply hungry for validation and affirmation. The FEELINGS of love, peace, of feeling "okay," are only able to be achieved through this unconditional parental love. Without this deep and fulfilling emotional love and strength provided tothe child, emotional growth cannot be achieved. In other words, we become STUCK in an almost childlike emotional state. We yearn for the love that a child needs, yet others are not able to provde this sort of love because they see an adult, when really it is only two thirds of an adult. Physically, intellectually, yes. Emotionally, NO!
There is a book which details this severe problem, called "Healing the Unaffirmed" by Conrad Baars. I strongly recommend reading it. It details many issues, includng "abnormal rapport with others" which was very helpful for me. Google it for more info.
Which leads me to my next point. I discovered some time ago that my mother fits very, very well into all of the characteristics of Narcissistic personality disorder. This is a very severe form of pure and utter selfishness. In fact, they are quite simply blind to feelings that do not involve them. They have no empathy for other human beings besides themselves. Not even their children. They can appear nice to many people, but it is really all an act. They cannot see past their own inner disturbed world. Narcissists are very manipulative. In fact, my mother quite literally brainwashed me into thinking that she was th best mother in the world, when in reality she was only using me as an extension of herself. Which means anything I ever did was merely only and always only a reflection upon her. My well being was literally not considered. She could not empathize with emotional pain. Neglect, fear, and punishment is the world of a victim of a narcissist. If you haven't already, I strongly recommend you google "narcissistic mothers" and see what kind of havoc they are capable of wreaking.
Another thing is "scapegoating." A mother or father finds a way to unload all the shame and negativity onto the child, in order to cover their own dysfunction. It is really quite a startling revelation that this kind of thing goes on.
The social isolation, emotional deprivation, and shameful unloading, along with many uncounted manipulations and abuses, all play into social anxiety. So much so, that I also believe that it all accumulates within a person and creates a severe inferiority complex. To feel as though you are nothing, and beneath the lowest standard of other healthy people does not come from birth. It is a cause and effect issue. Even if it's not immediately understood, I would recommend digging and digging until you finally unearth at least a small bit of where this might come from. You cannot work to overcome these feelings until you realize what is happening.
Shame is tangible. People know that you don't trust them or yourself. That is a very palpable sense in humans, I believe. Somewhere, there has been a severe failure to trust other people. It had to have come from early on in childhood. A deep trust in yourself, as well as other people, will begin to ease some of this problem of social anxiety.
The hard thing about all of this, is that social phobia comes from deep feelings of being not okay. No matter how much you intellectualize, or hw much you think you know, you can't just STOP feeling that distrust, that fear. This is not an INTELLECTUAL issue, it is an EXPERIENCE issue. Meaning you must in some way, find ways in which people will let you FEEL affirmed and validated. To feel okay. If you're like me, this is hard to find. So what I have done is to actively seek out times in which people have accepted any action of mine, and internalised it. UPROOT the feelings of shame by EMBRACING any acceptance and love people give you. Don't block it out as many have probably been TRAINED to do.
There is no easy way out. If social phobia is going to be healed to any degree, it must come from a place of feeling. Feeling okay, feeling validated and affirmed, feeling as though you have every darn right to be in this world and live and love just like every other person on the panet. I have felt like I am stopping the madness. I know the truth of the matter is that emotional connections between humanity is VITAL. It gives us our FEELINGS of being loved, accepted, as though we belong.
