Spiraling Down

[periwinkle1973]

Hi all,
I'm new here...don't really know if there's a protocol I need to follow or if I can just jump right in so I'm just gonna hold my breath, jump, and hope for the best.

I suffer from agoraphobia and have so for about 15 years now. About 10 years ago I started going to a psychologist and psychiatrist to seek treatment for the agoraphobia and also for OCD, depression, and anxiety (I think that's all of 'em). It was slow going but eventually with their help and some handy dandy Paxil I was able to come out of the muck and the mire. The depression stopped almost immediately (with a bad day here or there over the past couple of years, but nothing I couldn't handle with a nice hardy pep talk to myself) but the agoraphobia/social anxiety was a little harder. Eventually I got to the point where I was able to go out and about without much trouble and even went and got my bachelor's degree. So far so good. Then about 2 1/2 years ago I moved from Maryland (home state) to Virginia to go to grad school. Big step...away from my friends and family (i.e. comfort zone) but at first all seemed well. In fact, I met a great guy and fell in love. Sweet! Everything was going swimmingly...so much so that I went off the Paxil (with full psychiatrist and psychologist approval) last March. It was a little rough going at first...my bad days (depression, agoraphobia, anxiety) got a little more frequent but again, nothing I couldn't handle. The negative voices in my head that I've always suffered from (never went away entirely) were still there but again, nothing I couldn't handle.
Well, somehow things aren't going so well anymore. And I'm not really sure why. It's just a bunch o' little things I think. School is way stressful (working on my thesis, finishing up my final semester) and it's gotten to the point where I just want to say "okay! you win! I quit!!!" My roommate moved out of town abruptly so I had to move in with my boyfriend. Not stressful in and of itself but...I don't drive (no license) and he doesn't live in walking distance to ANYWHERE. I'm in school but have no classes (it's grad school). I have hardly any friends here and the ones I do have are through my boyfriend and we aren't exactly social butterflies. I feel SO isolated...here by myself all day long with nothing but my school work, stress and negative thoughts to keep me company. It's gotten really bad the past two weeks. So much so that suicide has started popping into my head again and I've started fantasizing about cutting myself...something I haven't done in a while. I've been trying to keep a cheerful facade up for those I do see but my boyfriend has seen through it and I've talked to him a little about what I'm going through but not all of it. Not the brunt of it. Not the suicide/cutting part. I just can't talk about things. I have a hard time articulating even to myself everything wrong that is going on. Everytime I open my mouth to tell him what I'm going through, nothing comes out. The words get stuck. I say things like "I keep thinking about stuff." He's like, "could ya be more specific" and the thing is I can't. I try but I gloss it over so it doesn't sound like I'm quite as nutso as I think it'll sound that I am. But I hate this. I hate feeling like "IT" is back...it being the blackness and despair that I thought I had put behind me. I hate crying all the time...and worse, hiding the fact that I'm crying or upset so people won't know something is really wrong. I don't have medical assistance anymore and don't have a way to get to an appointment even if I could make one. I hate the thought of going back on meds because I was so proud of myself (as was everyone else) for going off of them and dealing with life on my own...I feel like such a loser and wuss for having to depend on chemical assistance just to wake up in the morning and face the day (which is becoming harder and harder). I just feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice getting ready to fall into the blackness and I have no idea how to help myself. Today I went and found my old razors. They're rusty and nasty looking but they seem to still be sharp. But I haven't done anything yet...I thought I'd come online and see what was out there. Buy myself some time. Writing this has helped. Sorry to ramble on quite so much...especially my first time here. Damn, not a good first impression is it? <sheepish look> Anyway, if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks for listening.

 

[Quixote]

I just finished reading your post, and even if I am in a very different situation (I'm a guy, I live in a city on the other side of the ocean etc...) I just wanted to let you know that as I read I think I did manage to understand how you feel. So if I can, I am quite sure people who are close to you like your boyfriend should understand it much more easily. Maybe what prevents you from talking clearly to him is that you are a bit afraid of not being understood and of finding no support, but I don't think that is very likely to happen. And you don't necessarily have to mention suicidal thoughts, maybe just tell him how sick you are feeling (I don't know if sick is the right word, but you know what I mean)

And also, I know it is a stupid obvious suggestion, but why not getting a driving licence as soon as possible? From what you say it seems that it would help a lot. I often feel completely depressed, and feel like there is nothing worth keeping myself alive, nothing worth getting up for in the morning, and similar things. I just try to ignore these feelings and force myself to do something, even a small thing, that might be of help. Afterwards I usually feel better. Inaction lets your negative thoughts get hold of you.

Finally, why do you worry so much about taking pills? Our brains function with some chemical tricks so why not help them a little with some chemical aid. I don't take any medicines, but I drink a lot of coffee, for example, really quite a lot (that is why I am always here in front of the computer screen at this time perhaps and if I don't take my daily dose of caffeine I am completely finished And note caffeine is a chemical exactly like any other, in high doses it has similar effects to those of amphetamines. The only difference is that coffee is accepted by society, while pills not as much. And they probably work better.

I send you my greetings, and good luck with everything!

 

[Snowcrash]

Anyway, if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice I'd love to hear it.

Words of wisdom are always hard for me to come up with.

I can say I know the isolation you are talking about. And I can say that I think the anonymous nature of the web can help you some there. Sometimes I can "talk" about things with people that I don't know far easier than with people I do know. I don't know if that is healthy or not, but I know from this site that I am not alone.

Stay around, post some, read some, make yourself at home. Stay safe.

Oh, here is some wisdom, really try not to start cutting if you have gotten away from it, but really really don't do it with rusty blades. Tetanus and lockjaw city there.

Oh, and more wisdom, there is no shame in using a medication that helps you.

 

[periwinkle1973]

Thanks Quixote and Snowcrash for responding...your insight really helped and it was good to get some feedback from people who have an inkling of what I'm going thru.

Sadly, I did end up cutting myself...not with the rusty razors (I had the forethought to fear tetanus and lockjaw myself) but with a newer, less rusty one that I found. The cuts are just superficial...basically glorified paper cuts really...but it was something I couldn't help myself from doing once I started thinking about it. And it made me feel a modicum of relief for about, oh, a nanosecond. Sigh.

I ended up talking to my boyfriend about it all last night. At first I just gave a generalized, non-specific spiel about how I was feeling. He was supportive as he normally is, but didn't quite get how bad it was...of course I was keeping a lot from him. His initial response was "You just need to let it go." But as the night wore on and we continued to talk about it, I opened up a bit more and ended up telling him about the cutting. He didn't freak out and was uber supportive. It seems like he really does understand what I'm going through...not completely but he does realize it's not something I can just shake off easily. It's a struggle. Today I feel a little better. Maybe it's because it's Sat. and he's here instead of at work. Maybe it's because I got some things off of my chest. I still feel the emptiness, depair, anxiety, panic, etc. but to a lesser degree. Hopefully it will continue to lessen. And at least now I know that I have the complete love and support of my boyfriend and I don't feel like I have to hide my feelings (which only added to the panic and anxiety). So, we'll see what happens.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks again for listening to me. I'm definitely going to stick around here...it's helped immensely being able to come here and vent.

Christy

 

[Quixote]

I'm glad things are a little better. Out of personal experience I have found that those moments of deepest depression (and believe me I know what they are) do not last more than a given amount of time. Whatever the situation, I know I will feel better at some point, maybe in a few hours, maybe in a few days. It's a physical thing, I think. Of course problems do not disappear, but the suffering diminishes quite a lot. I always try to keep that in mind, so when it happens I force myself to eat something, gulp a coffee and wait, like if I am underwater and I must keep my breath until I float to the surface. Perhaps something of this sort may work for you as well, instead of other options that you mentioned...

As for this site, I also found it quite helpful to read about other people's experiences that I can relate to. For years I have lived in the odd belief of being a sort of martian, now at least I have a name for the problem. Not so much of an improvement, but something to start with

Plus I get a chance to practice my english :wink:

All the best