Sometimes I fear that I might be a bad person..

[xLingshenx]

Hi everyone! I'm Krystle. I am 19. I have had OCD since I was about ten. Well actually earlier than that. But that's when I was diagnosed.. anyway I have had many symptoms such as washing my hands too much til they bled, skin picking, counting, retracing my steps, re checking things, etc. Well now this year I've been recieving intrusive thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person. I have sexual thoughts about God that I honestly do not want. Sometimes they involve the devil too. I also sometimes have obsessive thoughts about blasphemy or thinking blasphemous things about God. One time I even considered myself to be possessed. But I figured now it must be my OCD. Still I'm afraid. I don't want to think negative things about God. I do love God. I am a Christian. But, sometimes I feel a sense of anxciety that maybe it wasn't my OCD. Maybe some if not all was actually in my head because I really am that evil. I don't want to be evil. I have anger problems. They tend to get worse then. I never meant to displease God. He's the last I want to hurt. I also have a fear of this. I wasn't sure if it was intrusive or not. You see. I hope I'm not judged. But I'm a girl that used to date girls. I used to feel it was okay even by God to date them. But I read something that scared me. It made me straight. I told God I would do anything for him so I did. But then in English class o0ne day I was having an obsession I guess over my ex gf. and her new bf now her ex. I felt heart broken and jealous of that boy. I felt confused and what frightened me most what made me say shut up to myself was the though of yelling at God. I prayed to him in the past when I was into girls that way. I felt so calm and certain I was alright. But during English. it was almost as if I were not myself. I wasn't really remembering my surroundings or anything. But I remember feeling angry. My worst fear though, still even right now. I always question it. Was it God I said those things too? Or was I thinking it upon another person? Perhaps myself or my ex's ex bf? It scares me.Even last night, I told myself I would not say anything mean about God. The blasphemous thoughts overpowering me. Then sometimes I'd feel weak and I don't know if it's ocd or if I gave in. I feel giving in is a sin. I feel more guilty. I stayed up all night last night. I couldn't sleep with the thoughts. finally as I felt myself dozing off I had a blasphemous thought. I felt so afraid b/c it felt so real. I wasn't sure if it was OCD or not.... does anyone have anything similar? Or can they help me please?

 

[xLingshenx]

-sigh-

 

[thequirkster]

G'day, champ. I've experienced almost every stereotypical OCD obsessions, from contamination to intrusive religious, sexual and violent thoughts, counting, checking, hoarding, evening things out, assuming responsibility for things that weren't my responsibility at all, asking for reassurance, and more.

Except that whole cleanliness, perfection thing. I never had that at all.

Anyway, one way that I have come to terms with my sexual intrusive thoughts, especially the ones about family members, is that I've asked myself: Is it possible for me to WANT to ever, EVER, under any circumstances, do the things in my thoughts? I guess I had an epiphany when I realised that there is nothing that could make me ever want to carry out those sexual thoughts. I realised that the desire wasn't there, so it didn't matter whether I had those thoughts or not. Of course, I still get the thoughts and I will sometimes worry about them, but they are not as worrisome as they used to be.

I listen to alot of different metal bands. I used to avoid this because I thought that due to the fact that some metal bands concern themselves mainly with satanic themes, this meant that all metal bands were implicated by being in the same genre. This then permeated into other types of music that I listened to. I refused to listen to certain songs, innocent as they may be, because religion was mentioned in some way. One example of this was in the song "Everybody's Gone To War" by Nerina Pallot. She sings "If God's on our side then God is a joker...". I thought that it was evil to listen to that.

Again, I had an epiphany. I realised that I don't hate God and nothing could make me hate Him. It's not possible because, although I'm not religious, I believe that Jesus was a pretty champion guy and so I have trust that he was telling the truth. So, even though I may have thoughts that I am an evil person, I realise that I believe in the themes of love that Jesus spoke of which makes it very hard for me to be evil.

I guess you could apply the same logic to your religious intrusive thoughts. You know that you love God, so you know you would never willingly do anything evil against Him, even if you thought you might have been shouting at God.

Further, because you know you love Him, you can say to yourself, "So what if I did shout at God? Sometimes I don't understand what He's doing for me and feeling a little miffed about it doesn't mean I'm evil. I'm just disagreeing with His decisions sometimes." This does NOT make you evil.

I guess by realising that the intrusive thoughts don't mean that you are evil, you can cope better when they do come.

I hope I've helped in some way. I know that just because these things worked for me it doesn't mean they'll work for you, but I'm just sharing with you how I learned to cope better with some things.

Please, keep me updated on how you're doing. Good luck!

And, by the way, I don't see anything wrong with a person's sexuality. It's just the way you are. There's nothing evil about it.

 

[xLingshenx]

thank you..

 

[xLingshenx]

my anxiety from it right now is sky rocket though. My parents might take me in for intensive treatment.

 

[applesewer]

Hi Krystle,
I'm a christian too....I'm not quite sure what to tell you but I felt god gave me this verse,

[1 John 4:18] "...Perfect love drives out fear..."

If you stay focused on god and keep praying and telling god all your honest anxieties and fears he'll guide you through it.
x

 

[paulmm]

I am tired and about to go to bed, but I have pretty strong OCD (mostly "pure O" OCD) so I know a thing or two about obsessions.

First of all, everyone out there that is religious, you NEED to stop worrying about God. My therapist told me that many cases of OCD come from the Catholic teachings from strict nuns who teach that intrusive thoughts and sins "tainted" things. I am not religious, and I do not belong to any religion, I am agnostic. You need to realize, whoever your God is, that God loves you. If he doesn't, fuck him. God put you on earth the way you are. He made you able to think bad thoughts, sexual thoughts, etc.

An explanation for your 'blasphemous' thoughts is that every human has a moral structure built into their brain. It is similar to Freud's SUPEREGO. The Superego is responsible for judging actions carried out by the Ego and Id. The problem with people with OCD is that they often have SUPEREGOS that are too powerful and too precise. The superego will send guilt and mixed messages (in the form of intrusive thoughts) for perfectly normal but a bit off-kilter thoughts (sexual attraction to family members, for example, or the sudden idea of killing your brother, father, wife, husband, etc.). Religious people abandon the idea of a natural moral structure and replace it with the idea that religion is the fundamental system for morals. This is incorrect. If you feel guilt, you are a morally healthy person. If you do something moderately wrong and you feel guilty about it, you are not a bad person. If you have thoughts of doing terribly wrong and feel guilty about it, you are not a bad person. Religious people replace the doubts they feel about their morals with doubts they feel about religion. I used to be very religious and had the same thoughts you did. Now I am not religious and have the same thoughts, but about my moral character instead of about God. You will obsess about whatever is important to you. That's what OCD does.

Stop worrying about God. If God causes you that much discomfort and distress, then try living without him. He won't blame you. If there is a God, he wants you to be happy and nothing else.

Honestly, the only Gods I've ever been introduced to are ones that would be flattered if you had sexual thoughts about him.

And this is coming from someone who has very strong OCD.

Good luck, and stop worrying. I wish I could practice as I preach :-/

 

[OCDer]

Hi everyone! I'm Krystle. I am 19. I have had OCD since I was about ten. Well actually earlier than that. But that's when I was diagnosed.. anyway I have had many symptoms such as washing my hands too much til they bled, skin picking, counting, retracing my steps, re checking things, etc. Well now this year I've been recieving intrusive thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person. I have sexual thoughts about God that I honestly do not want. Sometimes they involve the devil too. I also sometimes have obsessive thoughts about blasphemy or thinking blasphemous things about God. One time I even considered myself to be possessed. But I figured now it must be my OCD. Still I'm afraid. I don't want to think negative things about God. I do love God. I am a Christian. But, sometimes I feel a sense of anxciety that maybe it wasn't my OCD. Maybe some if not all was actually in my head because I really am that evil. I don't want to be evil. I have anger problems. They tend to get worse then. I never meant to displease God. He's the last I want to hurt. I also have a fear of this. I wasn't sure if it was intrusive or not. You see. I hope I'm not judged. But I'm a girl that used to date girls. I used to feel it was okay even by God to date them. But I read something that scared me. It made me straight. I told God I would do anything for him so I did. But then in English class o0ne day I was having an obsession I guess over my ex gf. and her new bf now her ex. I felt heart broken and jealous of that boy. I felt confused and what frightened me most what made me say shut up to myself was the though of yelling at God. I prayed to him in the past when I was into girls that way. I felt so calm and certain I was alright. But during English. it was almost as if I were not myself. I wasn't really remembering my surroundings or anything. But I remember feeling angry. My worst fear though, still even right now. I always question it. Was it God I said those things too? Or was I thinking it upon another person? Perhaps myself or my ex's ex bf? It scares me.Even last night, I told myself I would not say anything mean about God. The blasphemous thoughts overpowering me. Then sometimes I'd feel weak and I don't know if it's ocd or if I gave in. I feel giving in is a sin. I feel more guilty. I stayed up all night last night. I couldn't sleep with the thoughts. finally as I felt myself dozing off I had a blasphemous thought. I felt so afraid b/c it felt so real. I wasn't sure if it was OCD or not.... does anyone have anything similar? Or can they help me please?

You and I have alot of similarities Krystle. I was diagnosed OCD at age 13. I would really like to give you an interesting perspective on your terrified doubt whether your a bad person or not Krysle. If you were a bad person Krystle, would you feel this bad and guilty about your thoughts? A bad person does bad, yet has no remorse Krystle. It might be true, there is grey area in every thing; nothings black and white ~ even some Bad People may feel guilt from time to time. But I saw alot of pain and guilt and frustration in your post. If you were a bad person, even a bad person still connected enough to your good side; I can assure you that you wouldn't have taken your remorse to this extreme. Leading me to beleive your probably (A very good person Krystle). You and I are what they call OCDers, OCD sufferers. And the better of a person you are with OCD, the worse your OCD will lead you to feeling about both the thoughts and your self. Which you know what's ironic and unfortunate about that; the worse your OCD bothers you the more our intrusive thoughts will occur. Because guilt leads to anxiety; and anxiety is then gasoline getting poared over the over the fire/OCD. In other words stress manifesses OCD and it's symptoms. The very term "Intrusive thought", totally hinces we are completely powerless over these thoughts; they are against our will Krystle. God will not punish you for these thoughts, nore should you feel guilty for some thing you have no controll over.

Just to point out to you the similarities Krystle between your illness with OCD and my illness with OCD; I read all the stuff you wrote about the thoughts you had against your will torwards God. I can still remember having my first OCD conflict. Like I said I was diagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder at age 13. But at age 11, I was lying in bed praying just a simple good night prayer to God. Suddenly my words in my mind kept trying to say "I Love The Devil". I was terrified, I felt so guilty that I almost cried. Then it kept happening several more minutes, that term "I love the Devil" kept going threw my mind. Soon I did cry, because I was beginning to beleive I was doing it on purpose. Even though I knew right then that I obviously wasn't purposly doing it; what 11 year old kid who hasn't ever heard of anything on OCD, nore much psycology at all going to know their not the ones saying it. Because pretty soon, for me atleast, it wasn't only a genuine guilty feeling, but I started fearing Impending Doom; "Well if I keep saying this (I Love The Devil) in my mind, eventually God will have enough of that and will send me to Hell some day when I die.

Now the true nature of OCD is we have a single intrusive thought or over powering obsessive thought that bothers us in some way. And the compulsion us OCDers committ on purpose as a defense mechamism to counter act that obsession. Whether the physicall compulsion make sense or not we do it. Or mental compulsion, if it's what's called "Thinking Ritualizing". So two weeks later I developed a compulsion in my mind to guard against this thought I kept having. Every time the thought "I Love The Devil" went threw my mind, I'de try to interupt it real quick or atleast purify my mind real quick after wards by saying; "I Hate The Devil, I Love God". That didn't work, this lasted one year. I had that go on for one year. Not constantly; but alot. When I was 13 I ran away from home, because I couldn't stand the pain and guilt of living with my Grandmother any longer. Not because of any thing she said or did. But every time I looked at her I visualized her and I having sex. This drove me to insanity with guilt, I even started to wonder if I loved her or not. I moved back at age 16 and it still occued off and on in my mind, but not as bad.

Today I'm 27 and feel better about my OCD, because I'm powerless over my OCD. Admitting POWERLESSNESS over problems like OCD or addiction doesn't mean your giving up Krystle, it just means your surrendering and not having to fight any more and just make the proper adjustments in your life that your conditions leave you at. And beleive me there is serenity in that. Atleast for me, I know for myself, speaking only for myself my obsessions get worse when I fight them. I do logical fighting; like take my Effexor which has proven to help OCD sufferers.

So no Krystle, please be more gentle on yourself and be better to your self, you are not a bad person. Like I said your probably a very good person or it wouldn't bother you so bad. Other than that it's OCD not a moral deficansy.

 

[Aoeu]

It took me a while before it really sunk in that thoughts are just thoughts and putting a lot of importance on them and trying to determine *why* you have them is irrelevant. It's what *you* do and how *you* feel that matters.
I had a lot of fear, anxiety and worry about harming thoughts and at some point after many therapy sessions I was driving around and had a sexual thought about a woman on the street. I thought to myself, if I was very religious or perhaps even a priest/pastor/etc. that thought might provoke the same anxiety and negative thoughts that I have about harming. Yet that thought seemed very natural and not bothersome to me.
It's taken me the better part of a year with CBT to realize this but I feel so much better now. I really feel like I have my life back, maybe even a new one
I know when I was at my worst I had a very hard time breaking the idea of thoughts = action or that thoughts were just as "bad" as the actual event. Eventually I came around and hopefully with help from a therapist and your family so will you. Good luck.

 

[JamesAnderson20]

Subject: Morality

Its just weird that a lot of things people have described on here, I can relate to, I suppose that this is a good thing. I have to picture the word GOD or GOOD in my mind if I touch my chest or stomach. The chest is where the heart is, so you know, gotta have good heart. I, like many of you, manage to keep to ocd under control, but I have periods where it gets worse and I start inventing new stuff in my mind. Today, I just started to worry about why I was getting weird thoughts, but after reading this, it makes me kind of thankful, my ocd is serious stuff, but there are some on here who have it a lot worse than me I suppose, I suppose this isn't really helpful to read, but I just wanted to tell those people who are afraid that they're bad or evil, that the ocd plays on your fears and if you even slightly doubt your morality, it will snowball, and you'll end up thinking all sorts a' shit. I don't really have any tecniques for stopping these thoughts otherwise I'd use them myself, this other guy on here said something about asking yourself whether you would ever act on the thoughts you have, but he also said that it doesn't entirely stop the thoughts, so I don't know. Hang in there!

 

[rado31]

Worst OCD symptom? ------> Musical OCD , the only one i have had till this moment in time. I hope it wont evoluate in anything worse.
I ve heard a lot of people have it when 'anxious'(upset) plus tired.