ok well let my start off by saying I really don't know what I am doing and I need someone I can really talk to without paying for it.. My story is very long and it would be nice to get some in site.
Well I was born to parents who were on drugs and couldn't take care of me, so I was placed in a orphanage for a sort period of time. My grandmother found me at took me in.. I lived with her for six years and when I was 7 i watched her die of a heart attack..that has always stuck with me forever.
after she passed away I was adopted by my uncle his wife.(lets call them X and B) well i felt like apart of the family until x and B got a divorce. After uncle X left I felt abandoned.. A few year of living with aunt B and the family i started to feel unloved, even though it was said over and over it actions were different.
I put all my emotion into a family that never really loved me. and the reason why i did this was because i didn't want to lose them. So i did whatever i could to get love and attention.. I wanted so much to feel apart of the family i feel for a stupid "scam" (lets call this person P)
P and I were about the same age and she was the favorite of the family.. she was smart, fun, and knew how to get what she wanted...At a young age she came on to me in an inappropriate way.. that went on for about 5 years on and off... Soon after i started high school P started to see a psychologist.. She told this psychologist that we had had sex(it was never intercourse.. alway kissing and oral... it is still wrong).. Aunt B found out and she decided to kick me out of the house..
After being kicked out life for me has sort of taken a turn for the worst... I was forced to move in with Uncle X.. You have to understand that I love my uncle very much and i really do appreciate everything he has done for me. But I hate him at the same time. He is the kind of man who grew up somewhat hard and grew up during a time where the definition of a man was playing sport and having a girlfriend. Well I was never the jock and after all that happen with P I felt betrayed and hurt. I was hurt so much I finally realized I was gay. (we will get to that later) But not being what he wanted always caused conflict. He would become abusive mentally and verbally and on some occasions psychical.
My life with him was a struggle, he never seemed to be the father figure I wanted.. Over the years my hatred for him has grown for him, he was always a jerk to me and as I got older he got worse.. during my sophomore year of high school I came out... Uncle X and I never really talked about it.. but I know he knows..
So now we are in the present, my life isn't where i want it to be.. I am struggling with some sort of attachment issues.. I am 19, gay and single.. things should be great right? But its not.. I am always online looking for love.. I really want to be with a guy that I know will never hurt me. which all sounds nice and jolly.. but I obsess over it.. Its all i think about and its all i want.. I have rapid mood swings(like putting your ipod on shuffle) I think I have an issues.. I think I am trying to fill the void of being alone.. I need some sort of help, I need to know what other sane people think.. but i really do feel alone all the time and I don't know what to do with myself.
Well I was born to parents who were on drugs and couldn't take care of me, so I was placed in a orphanage for a sort period of time. My grandmother found me at took me in.. I lived with her for six years and when I was 7 i watched her die of a heart attack..that has always stuck with me forever.
after she passed away I was adopted by my uncle his wife.(lets call them X and B) well i felt like apart of the family until x and B got a divorce. After uncle X left I felt abandoned.. A few year of living with aunt B and the family i started to feel unloved, even though it was said over and over it actions were different.
I put all my emotion into a family that never really loved me. and the reason why i did this was because i didn't want to lose them. So i did whatever i could to get love and attention.. I wanted so much to feel apart of the family i feel for a stupid "scam" (lets call this person P)
P and I were about the same age and she was the favorite of the family.. she was smart, fun, and knew how to get what she wanted...At a young age she came on to me in an inappropriate way.. that went on for about 5 years on and off... Soon after i started high school P started to see a psychologist.. She told this psychologist that we had had sex(it was never intercourse.. alway kissing and oral... it is still wrong).. Aunt B found out and she decided to kick me out of the house..
After being kicked out life for me has sort of taken a turn for the worst... I was forced to move in with Uncle X.. You have to understand that I love my uncle very much and i really do appreciate everything he has done for me. But I hate him at the same time. He is the kind of man who grew up somewhat hard and grew up during a time where the definition of a man was playing sport and having a girlfriend. Well I was never the jock and after all that happen with P I felt betrayed and hurt. I was hurt so much I finally realized I was gay. (we will get to that later) But not being what he wanted always caused conflict. He would become abusive mentally and verbally and on some occasions psychical.
My life with him was a struggle, he never seemed to be the father figure I wanted.. Over the years my hatred for him has grown for him, he was always a jerk to me and as I got older he got worse.. during my sophomore year of high school I came out... Uncle X and I never really talked about it.. but I know he knows..
So now we are in the present, my life isn't where i want it to be.. I am struggling with some sort of attachment issues.. I am 19, gay and single.. things should be great right? But its not.. I am always online looking for love.. I really want to be with a guy that I know will never hurt me. which all sounds nice and jolly.. but I obsess over it.. Its all i think about and its all i want.. I have rapid mood swings(like putting your ipod on shuffle) I think I have an issues.. I think I am trying to fill the void of being alone.. I need some sort of help, I need to know what other sane people think.. but i really do feel alone all the time and I don't know what to do with myself.