worrywort
Well-known member
damn, well that was another socially anxious evening....i'm feeling like I want to cry right now....and I'm feeling like I want to vent......and I'm feeling like I may aswell try to do something constructive with these feelings and share them with you guys, so that maybe I might help somebody else.....
oh man, I have about a billion voices in my head right now....I think all I can do is spew them all out and try to make sense of them......
I feel like a ghost, from a whole different universe than other people.....I'm wondering why I am the way I am? I'm wondering if I am a bad person? I'm wondering whether it's all genetics, i.e. not my fault, or whether its a result of the choices I've made in life, i.e. ALL my fault? I also sometimes wonder whether actually I'm right....that I'm the only sane person on this planet and everyone else is insane....cause to me, I'm just behaving in accord with my feelings. If I don't feel like talking I don't talk. To defy this instinct just makes me feel fake.....I'm wondering whether I'm a weak or cowardly person? I could go to the pub, and I could talk like everyone else, and learn the lingo and act confident etc....but I would feel like a fake.....I would feel like I'm neglecting my true feelings. I'm wondering why I come away from every social encounter, guilt-ridden and feeling like a failure? I'm thinking this is probably the reason I avoid social encounters so much....because when I'm alone the only person I can hurt is myself, and that doesn't make me feel so bad......but when I'm around people I just feel like I'm getting in the way....I feel like I'm a problem for them.....I feel like everybody would be better off if I wasn't there.....but then that makes me wonder about self pity and playing the victim.....is that what I'm doing? Have I really got some kind of perverse addiction to this feeling I'm feeling right now? am I regressing to some childhood memory of my mother comforting me after the other kids picked on me, and as a result, I now seek out those same painful situations, because I associate my mothers love with the feeling?....I have no clue what's going on in my head or heart.....all I know is that, even if I found out that that were the case, that I'm ultimately selfish, and cowardly and weak, I still wouldn't know how to stop it.....
I'm not sure what I want.....I guess it'd be nice to just understand who I am, and why I feel and behave this way?......I dunno.....I think i'm gonna go to bed....I'll probably feel better in the morning.
ignore this
oh man, I have about a billion voices in my head right now....I think all I can do is spew them all out and try to make sense of them......
I feel like a ghost, from a whole different universe than other people.....I'm wondering why I am the way I am? I'm wondering if I am a bad person? I'm wondering whether it's all genetics, i.e. not my fault, or whether its a result of the choices I've made in life, i.e. ALL my fault? I also sometimes wonder whether actually I'm right....that I'm the only sane person on this planet and everyone else is insane....cause to me, I'm just behaving in accord with my feelings. If I don't feel like talking I don't talk. To defy this instinct just makes me feel fake.....I'm wondering whether I'm a weak or cowardly person? I could go to the pub, and I could talk like everyone else, and learn the lingo and act confident etc....but I would feel like a fake.....I would feel like I'm neglecting my true feelings. I'm wondering why I come away from every social encounter, guilt-ridden and feeling like a failure? I'm thinking this is probably the reason I avoid social encounters so much....because when I'm alone the only person I can hurt is myself, and that doesn't make me feel so bad......but when I'm around people I just feel like I'm getting in the way....I feel like I'm a problem for them.....I feel like everybody would be better off if I wasn't there.....but then that makes me wonder about self pity and playing the victim.....is that what I'm doing? Have I really got some kind of perverse addiction to this feeling I'm feeling right now? am I regressing to some childhood memory of my mother comforting me after the other kids picked on me, and as a result, I now seek out those same painful situations, because I associate my mothers love with the feeling?....I have no clue what's going on in my head or heart.....all I know is that, even if I found out that that were the case, that I'm ultimately selfish, and cowardly and weak, I still wouldn't know how to stop it.....
I'm not sure what I want.....I guess it'd be nice to just understand who I am, and why I feel and behave this way?......I dunno.....I think i'm gonna go to bed....I'll probably feel better in the morning.
ignore this